Maybe Not So Single...

So here's the deal.

I don't remember if I told you this or not, but even if I did, here's a little recap.

So we all know about "Alfredo" who's actual name is Alex. It is getting ridiculous writing that name over and over and hiding his name isn't really all that important anymore. Plus, I highly doubt he'll ever find this blog. Anyway, back to my story. So remember that Alex and I had that on again off again flirtationship thing going on? Well it's off again, except this time it's permanent. I am so beyond done putting up with his shit and I will not be a part of his cheating ways. So that happened and I honestly feel really good about it. That is a weight lifted off my shoulders.

Moving forward in my "romantic" life, I met a new guy. Technically, he isn't new, I met him last year in my business class. When we first met, he was kind of shy and didn't say much, but as the year went on he started to warm up to me and we began talking, although I always got the impression that he didn't really like me. As it turns out, he got the same vibe from me, which was all sort of a result of our mutual friend Kevin. However, that is a long and complicated story, and I'll probably explain it in a blog post of its own. He graduated last year and since then we hadn't really talked. And then one day, out of the blue, he messaged me. And that ladies and gentlemen is where our story begins...

It was probably 9:00 PM and I'm scrolling through Facebook when I see a message from him. I thought it was odd considering we hadn't talked much since his graduation and I thought he didn't like me. I figured why the hell not and opened it up. He said hi so I replied with a simple, "Hey what's up?" He responded pretty quickly and he was frantic. He had been having a rough couple of months and he didn't know where else to turn to, but he had always considered me to be a good friend (Even though he thought I wasn't all that interested in being his friend. Yeah, I didn't get it either, but whatever, that isn't important). The point is he felt he could confide in me, but he didn't want to make me upset if I wasn't interested in talking. I explained to him that I would absolutely listen to what he had to say and offer any kind of advice I could, but that I was surprised because I didn't think he liked me very much. This all led to us figuring out that it had been a huge misunderstanding.

So he told me about what had been going on and I managed to actually help him out and calm him down. After we had that all sorted out, he started asking about me and my life and I figured I could open up a little bit, because someone who had bared their soul mere minutes beforehand wouldn't go blabbing. I mean, I had ammo for revenge if he did (not that I would ever use it that way, but he didn't know that). I told him about my life, my struggles with my sexuality, and finding acceptance and he, in turn, shared about his struggles with the same issues. As it turns out, we have a lot more in common than I ever would have expected.

We talked until 6:30 in the morning and it was one of the best conversations I have ever had. I felt so comfortable talking to him, which is something I have never felt when talking to a guy. I have always felt pressured to be someone I'm not, even online, but talking to him was so easy and natural. He didn't bring up any of the topics that most guys (in my experiences- I know there are lots of decent guys out there, I am not trying to stereotype here!) do. There wasn't any awkwardness and it felt so nice. Anyway, I had to end the conversation, because we both had to be up by 8:00 and had neglected going to bed for the sake of the conversation. I can function on a few hours of sleep, but an hour and a half is a bit steep, even for me. We agreed to talk again that night and then said our goodbyes.

I regret ever having ended that conversation. That night rolled around and I waited, and waited, and waited for him to respond to me and he never did. I figured he had just crashed after a long day with practically no sleep, and so I blew it off. After a week however, I couldn't help but wonder if he was avoiding me. Was it something I told him? Was I boring? Did he decide I wasn't worth the time? I felt all of these things, but I chose to be optimistic considering ideas such as: he just needed a break from social media, his internet went out, he was on vacation, he lost his phone/laptop, etc. That was all good and well, but then the two week mark hit, three weeks, four, and nothing. I gave up, I figured he obviously doesn't want to talk to me, so fuck it. This was the end of October.

And then about three weeks ago, I get a message from him that says, "I won't be on the internet (Facebook) for a while. The best way to contact me would be through email." That's it. No apology, no explanation, and most importantly no email address. So then I had to wait another week for him to respond to my message about needing his email address. Finally, he sends it and I write him an email telling him that more than anything else I was worried (he gave me more than one reason to be when we talked). I mean yeah, I was upset that he just disappeared, but I would get over it. He explained that things hadn't been the best at home and he hadn't been allowed to get on the internet and that he might go AWOL again, but that it happens sometimes and if we were going to be involved in anyway (aside from a relationship- obviously we would call each other in that scenario) I would have to expect it and not get mad if/when it happened. I wasn't about to argue 1) because it isn't my place to say that he can't do that, 2) I get it, I've been in that situation, and 3) I like him and I don't want to jeopardize anything by saying something that I have no right to.

We have been talking regularly, although it's email, so we never quite manage to catch each other online. I told him about the drama he missed while he was gone and he was so understanding and not at all judgmental about any of it (I'll post about it for you guys later). And he says cute things like "jimminy Christmas!" Most importantly, he understands me and I understand him. It makes me happy to see that I have a new email from him waiting in my inbox. I get butterflies when I read some of the things he says to me. For example, he once told me that he knew he liked me from the minute he laid eyes on me and his appreciation and affection toward me only grew as time went on and he got to know me better. Come on! If that isn't an "Awe!" moment, then I don't know what is. Or the time that he told me that he didn't want to talk about sex right now because he didn't want me to feel pressured to do anything I didn't want or wasn't ready for, plus a relationship isn't all about jumping into bed. It's about getting to know one another on a deeper, more meaningful level, the sex is just a bonus. (Seriously?!? Is that not the sweetest thing you have ever heard?)

The only problem is we are getting so much shit from our friends about one another. They keep telling us we shouldn't be together for one reason or another. The one that bothers me the most however is the whole, "He isn't that good looking, I don't understand why you like him." I like him because I am not a shallow asshole. Not everything is about looks. I can connect with him on an intellectual level and in my opinion, that is far more valuable than physical appearance. Would it be nice? Sure. The thing is though, he isn't ugly, but he isn't the most handsome man alive either; he's average, just like me, and I wouldn't want him any other way.

The point is, we are connecting and things are looking good. I can't imagine a date is too far off! I'll update you guys later on how things are going, but right now I am off to check my inbox for new messages.

If you thought this was way too cheesy, too bad, because like it or not, this is me.

Rejection

It isn't a new thing for me, but it has never hurt quite like this.

I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and stomped on. Everything aches and the tears seem to be waiting for an opportunity to fall. I finally told the girl I like how I feel about her and she didn't feel the same way, which is fine, but she didn't necessarily break it to me easy.

She was mean, insensitive, and cold . I was so hurt by what she had said that I broke down, and when she asked me why I was so upset, I told her what she said had hurt my feelings and it was insensitive. She said they were just words, they didn't mean anything and it was ridiculous that I was upset over it. Except that my entire life has been spent lonely and depressed because of the things people have said about/to me. She knew that and she used it against me.

Anyway, long story short and my ramblings summed up into a sentence.

Rejection hurts and people aren't necessarily who they appear to be, so be careful with your heart.

So. Done.

I've been struggling lately to keep my emotions in check. I can't explain why I'm so out of whack, because I honestly don't know. What I do know, however, is that people fucking with them isn't helping. I constantly fear that I am just going to break down and that is a lot of added stress. I have had this constant stinging in my eyes, and I want to just cry and be done with it, but no. Life isn't that simple.

My friends are ignoring me and when they do decide to talk to me, they use me. It isn't fair, I've been nothing but good to these people and this is what I get in return. I want to ask for help, but I know it'll be seen as a cry for attention. I'll only be "faking it," but if they saw the scars I am so careful to hide, they'd think otherwise. If they knew what I thought, they'd be in tears. I am reminded on a daily basis of all the people who genuinely hate me. What they don't know is, no matter how much they hate me, no one can hate me more than I hate myself.

I have absolutely no control over my life. Almost everything gets decided for me and I'm almost an adult. I lost the one thing that I had through all of this because I was too sick to attend. I literally stay up all night long and sleep for about four hours during the day. I sit and do nothing, everyday, every week, every month, and at this point I've reached every year. I can't stand it anymore! I'm going insane with all this idle time.

Not to mention the fact that without something to occupy me, I have this constant fear that something terrible is about to happen.

So, I guess it's true what they say; It's every man for himself. Fuck this shit, I need a change and soon.

( If you're a regular reader, I'm letting you know now that I'm going to disappear for a while. I'll be back, but I need to get my head straight first.)

Stress

I think my head may explode if things don't get back to normal soon. I am buried in work and I'm getting sick. Oh and to top all of that off, I am not allowed to take my allergy medication due to an upcoming appointment for allergy testing and I am about ready to scratch my face off!

Nothing is helping to relieve the stress because, even when I'm distracted, I have a little nagging feeling that there are things to be done. The only thing that helps to relieve it at all is...well let's just say that I am accumulating more and more scars.

I want to just sit and write all day and get everything out of my system, but it takes up too much time. Honestly, I shouldn't even be writing this post right now, but if I don't I may go slightly insane. I keep thinking about being a kid again where the only worries I had were cleaning my room and choosing what color I should draw my flowers.

I know I shouldn't be complaining because so many people have it so much worse than I do, but it doesn't change the fact that I feel so utterly overwhelmed. I know I should be concerned with others and stop being so selfish, but right now I need to take care of myself. I think that is a perfectly reasonable thing to do. And if you have a problem with that then too fucking bad. No matter how much I may want to, the fact of life is that you can't please everybody.

To be honest, it's a good thing because if everyone absolutely loved you, you would feel even more pressure to be 'perfect' and perfection is unattainable. Nobody is perfect, no one ever had been and no one ever will be. Imperfection makes us unique and being unique is even better.

I ramble far too often. Oh well, this is my blog and I can do whatever the hell I damn please! ;) Back to stress. I know it's basically impossible to just chill out and relax when your life feels incredibly hectic and busy, but here's what I do to deal with it (in no particular order after bullets 1 & 2)

• Take a step back (Not literally, but if that's what you want to do, then by all means.)
• Breathe (This is a really great step because breathing is important for living. You know, in case you forgot.)
•  Motivate yourself (Make a list of all the things you want to do just for fun, then designate an amount of time needed to do one of those things. For example: Watching a YouTube video 1-5 minutes long requires having done an hour's worth of work. Get it?)
• Take a shower (I do some of my best thinking in the shower. Why? No clue, but it works. Hot or cold, doesn't matter. Whatever suits your fancy. Plus you come out clean and smelling fresh, woo!)
• Turn on some music (Music calms me down and I find myself becoming distracted from the stress while still maintaining the ability to get the work done. Does that even make sense?) 
• Take breaks (Remove yourself from whatever work you're doing and unwind a bit before the stress of the work becomes overwhelming again.)
• Enlist help (If you can collaborate on the work, do it! Having another person around generally makes the task at hand easier, more fun, and less stressful. If you're doing homework or studying get a study buddy/group, just make sure you actually do work.)

If these steps don't help, there are always other options such as talking to someone, exercising, squeezing one of those stress ball things, etc. Keep working and keep calm, it has to get better eventually, right?

Self Harm

Warning: Trigger

Self harm is something that so many people struggle with and I am one of those people.

If you follow my blog you may have read the "Self Esteem" post in which I explained my struggles with self esteem and bullying. Well, I mentioned that I began hurting myself after the incident with Ashtin which pushed me over the edge. I was not ready to talk about it then, and to be quite honest I'm still not, nor do I think I'll ever be. However, something came up and I feel like I need to say something.

When I first started, it was just scratches, nothing that would leave a scar, just an initial stinging. That only sufficed for about two weeks and then I needed a bigger release. So I started to heat up bobby pins over a candle and then hold them to my skin, but it wouldn't get hot enough to really burn me, and it wasn't doing anything to relieve the pain. So I moved on and picked up a blade.

I knew, deep down, that I shouldn't do it and so I stood in the middle of my room, door locked, tears streaming down my face, and the cool metal of the blade pressed against my forearm, waiting for me to push deeper and drag it across my unblemished skin. I couldn't see any other way to find relief and so I pushed the blade down and pulled it about an inch along my arm, watching as a trail of red bloomed behind it. The relief that I got from that one simple action was incredible. I found clarity through the pain and I knew in that moment there would be no going back. Obviously, I couldn't take back the cut, but I couldn't give up the one thing that made me feel better.

I finally had some control over my life again. I was inflicting the pain upon myself and I could stop any time I wanted. Or so I thought. The more I did it, however, the more addicting it became. I found myself needing the blade, even when I didn't really want it. Sort of like when you're sick and you have to take the gross tasting cough syrup. You need it to feel better, but you don't want to take it.

The thing is, while I thought about it, I genuinely did not want to die. I wasn't doing it in hopes that I might slip up one day, I was doing it because it was the only control I felt I had.

When I started accumulating more and more cuts and scars I had to start hiding them better. Long sleeves, hoodies, and cover up. But wearing a sweatshirt in the middle of summer got suspicious and I was getting questioned a lot. Some people even saw them. I was forced to come up with excuses and even though they were believable I'm pretty sure no one really trusted what I was saying.

I cut myself for two years. When I met my group of friends in 7th grade I built up enough of a relationship with them that I eventually was able to trust two of the three of them with my secret. Mainly because they saw them and asked me outright if that's what I was doing. I couldn't hold it in anymore and I was glad to have told somebody.

I was still being bullied and having problems, and while the pain from the cuts still allowed me some clarity, I had lost the control when I became addicted. I wanted to stop. It took me almost a year to stop bringing me to a total of three years worth of cuts and scars. I bought all sorts of scar creams because I wanted to forget as much as possible about that time in my life. My scars eventually faded and now you can barely see them. Although, I think about it all the time, if I could go back I wouldn't have gotten rid of my scars because they are a huge part of who I am today.

Unfortunately, despite all of that having happened, three days ago, I relapsed. I have had so much going on in my life and so much pain, and I truly do hate most things about myself. I couldn't take it anymore, I got my blade out and began again. This time on my legs. I kept cutting and cutting not seeing the faithful trail of blood blooming behind the blade. I assumed my blade wasn't sharp enough and so I put it away, grateful that it hadn't worked. Except that it had worked. About ten minutes later both of my legs were throbbing and stinging and sure enough they had turned pink and the blood had outlined a pattern of chaos.

Once again my goal is not to kill myself. My goal is to gain control, clarity, and relief.

I won't give reasons for why I am cutting again, because it's all still too painful and very personal. I may say why later on, but right now, I'm just not ready. That being said, I completely understand how hard it is to get up and move on with your day, especially when it feels like the world is crashing down around you.

Don't give up. Stay strong and keep fighting, because I have to believe that one day it will get better.

I know I have a long road ahead of me and stopping again is going to be extremely difficult, especially considering the relief I get from doing it. But I will try, and I won't give up. Not now, not ever.

Self Esteem: My Struggles and Thoughts

Self Esteem

noun

1.

confidence in one's own worth or abilities; self-respect.

Let's just be blunt; self esteem issues suck. I know a lot of people who struggle with their self esteem and despite how I may come off in these blogs, I have self esteem issues too. I actually created this blog for the sole purpose of helping to work through them. I figured that if I could be confident and  courageous online that it might bleed into my 'real life.' And it has to some extent, but it certainly hasn't completely turned my life upside down and made everything better.

As a kid I, along with every other child, was fairly confident and had constant reassurance from my parents, but as I got older those things began fading. 

On my first day of first grade, I was sitting alone on the playground and this kid named Garret called me an elephant. I tried to chase him down and do...something to get my revenge, but I had to stop and sit down because 1) he was much faster than me and 2) I had/have really bad asthma and running only made things worse. So I started being teased and made fun of at a very early age.

Because of this, I never really made any friends and the people who I had considered friends for most of my years in elementary school kind of ignored me or would ditch me at any opportunity.This happened basically everyday and as a kid that kind of "neglect" is damaging to your self esteem.

 Now that I'm older I can see that they were never really my friends and that I truly was better off without them, However, even though I am able to acknowledge that fact now doesn't mean that it doesn't still hurt.

So I was not confident about who I was as a person at all (thank you to all of the douche bag bullies for that one!). And then just to add to it, I started feeling uncomfortable with my body in fifth grade and it just got progressively worse. Plus it doesn't help when all of your peers are mean and constantly teasing you (kids are cruel, just FYI). 

Sixth grade was one of the worst if not the worst. I was slightly overweight (only about 15 pounds) and I was constantly teased and harassed about that as well as everything else. Despite that, I tried to come out of my shell and tell the boy that I liked that I liked him and be a confident person. Except that my plan backfired... badly. I apparently wasn't very good at hiding it because he already knew. He didn't like me back, but not just in the I-don't-like-you-like-that way, but in the I-really-don't-like-you-AT-ALL way. So he told this despicable bitch named Bailey (who just so happened to like him) that if she could make me cry that he would be her boyfriend. So she, of course, agreed to it. So in math class on the day that they made the deal she tore me apart in front of the entire class and I cried...for the entire class. Obviously, I didn't find out about the plan until after the incident, but as it turns out my "friends" knew about it the entire time and didn't say anything because they wanted to see if I was tough enough to handle it. And then they kept threatening to "kick me out" of the group because of my lack of toughness. They were all such assholes. Anyway, Bailey dated Ashtin (the guy) for about a week and then he told her that he didn't actually like her, he just wanted to see me cry and didn't want to get in trouble if he got caught. 

After that day I was mildly depressed and I began to self harm. It started off small and eventually progressed further and further until I was pretty messed up. That, however, is a different long story that I am not completely ready to tell. The teasing got worse and I couldn't trust anyone and so I would just wander around campus during break, praying that it would get better and that class would distract me. Then summer rolled around and things got better for a while due to the fact that I stayed at home where no one except my brother could make me feel bad about myself.


Seventh grade came and I was still SOL in the friend department as well as the teasing. So I continued to do my thing and just roam the campus. One day this group of people saw me walking around and invited me to hang out with them. They were really nice and accepting and actually like me for me. Finally, I made some real friends.They were the whole reason my "relationship" with Alfredo (not his actual name) actually began. If you want to read about that click here. Anyway, I am happy to say that of the four of them I am still good friends with three. (And there's a very valid reason,which was neither of our faults, for why we aren't friends anymore, but once again it's another very long story that I am not yet ready to tell.) The only downside was that they were in eighth grade which meant they would leave for high school when I went into my last year of elementary. 

So the year went on and the teasing didn't stop, but I had friends to help me deal with it. Then summer came back around and I was spending all the time I could with them before I had to go back to school and face the music on my own again. 

That year two girls, Hannah and Kyra, transferred in and I immediately knew that I didn't like them. They just came off as bitchy and I figured they'd just join in teasing me once they heard everyone else doing it. I was pleasantly surprised when they didn't, but we never hung out or anything either.
I found a rare group of people, similar to the four in seventh grade who had heard what people said about me an just didn't care. They accepted me into their group and things once again got better. 

About a quarter of the way through the year Hannah and Kyra who were the best of friends had a falling out and Hannah became a loner. So I invited her to hang out with us and she fit just perfectly into our little island of misfit toys. 

Freshman year. Needless to say, it was hell. I still got bullied, but so did other people. I think that was more the fact that we were "intruders" and not that they picked me specifically. Although, what they say is true and high school changes everything about who you are. Our group split apart and only Hannah, Casandra, and me still hung out together. I still got teased, but not nearly as bad. 

Sophomore year. Casandra decided she hated us and left the group to hang out with Alfredo and the other half of our original group. That group, excluding Alfredo, essentially turned traitor on us and started spreading rumors about us and being mean and rude. Knocking my self esteem even lower than it already was. And at that point it was starting to impact Hannah and Nic (her boyfriend) too. They were being slightly teased for hanging out with me. So we became outcasts and that actually helped a lot. It seems that teenagers have the attention span of a squirrel and if you aren't around anyone else they tend to forget about you.

So now it's junior year and I don't really have to deal with any of that anymore. My asthma has prevented me from going to school so I am home schooled now. And while I have to deal with my brother constantly insulting me and how I look and whatnot, which hurts like hell, everything is so much more calm. Nic and Hannah both left the school doing independent study programs for reasons unrelated to the bullying.

I guess the point of telling you all of this was not to be cliche and say that it really does get better. I'm sure it does at some point, but what I want to say is that it's hard. And I understand the pain and the struggles that you face each and everyday because of self esteem issues and bullying. Even when you do not have to deal with someone saying something to/about you everyday, you still have to deal with it. I know that I have a lot of emotional scarring and damage and it can't all be repaired, and what can be fixed is going to take time. I understand that you might feel weak or powerless. I have those days myself, but you're not. If you struggle with self esteem and you're reading this right now, know that you are strong. You fight a battle day in and day out and every time you emerge victorious, even when it seems that all has been lost.

Don't give up. You are worth so much more than you know and nothing that anyone can say or do is ever going to change that. Keep fighting, I will, because I know that it has to get better and that there are wonderful great things just waiting for me. Stay strong guys and know that you are not alone in this.

I finally realized that it truly doesn't matter what others think of you, just as long as you see yourself in a positive light. I'm working on it, but like it or not, this is me.

If you need some support or help dealing with these issues do not be afraid to talk to a trusted teacher, loved one, friend, counselor, etc. I am positive someone is willing to listen. Also feel free to check out the links below. Some of them may seem cheesy, but read through them, you never know what might help.

• Teens Health
• Support Groups- Self Esteem
• Support Group- Personal Stories/ Sharing
• Stop Bullying
• The Trevor Project

Jealousy

Jealousy sucks. It's a fact.

I used to think that I was not jealous of anything nor would I ever be, but I was wrong. SO WRONG! As I grew up I realized that I am jealous of a lot. Although it didn't truly hit me until I was in my first relationship. 

My boyfriend at the time was one of the most popular guys in school and a major player on the school's football team, which in a small town like mine is an even bigger deal than normal. I was so proud to be with him, especially since I was a freshman and he was a junior. I thought that I was the bomb. Anyway, everyone wanted to be around him and I felt like I had to fight for his attention. So when he would pay more attention to his friends I got really jealous and clingy. Not attractive! I look back on it now and I remember trying to pull him away from his friends or making a big thing of PDA (which I'm so not a fan of). I became all of the things I thought were ridiculous when I saw other people doing them because I couldn't admit to myself, much less him, that I was jealous. He once asked me straight up if I was jealous and I got mad at him because I figured he was just assuming things about me. He was right, I was, but how do you knock your pride down enough to admit that, especially at the tender age of 15? I ended up breaking up with him after about a month over Facebook ( I'm a bitch for it, I know) because my friends were jealous of what I had with him and convinced me that he was flirting with other girls which led to me being ( any guesses?) jealous.

So the whole point of that long winded, poorly told story is that even if you don't think you're jealous of anything, you probably are. Don't be a jerk about it, just work on admitting it to yourself. After that work on improving yourself and dealing with your jealousy in a better manner than I did. 

In the long run, if you can't admit to it and work on it, it'll probably end up hurting some aspect of your life. And to risk damage like that over something so simple and easy to work through is ridiculous.

So that was poorly written, but I don't really care because like it or not, this is me.

Trust

I'm going to go on a bit of a rant, so be forewarned.

I don't just give away trust. It has to be earned. And it doesn't take much to break it. That being said, if I trust you enough to share personal information about myself DON'T SPREAD IT AROUND! I told you. Not you, your best friend, your best friend's cousin, your best friend's cousin's boyfriend, or anyone else that comes along. So who  do you think you are to be telling anyone else what I said to you in confidence? You don't know? Well let me enlighten you. You, dear sir, are an asshole!

So now that we've established that I don't take trusting people lightly, let's move on to the next topic: The Value of Trust. I, obviously, know and understand the value of trust and so I will not take it lightly if you decide to trust me with personal information. I won't be going around telling people, because I understand how much it hurts to be betrayed that way. So should that information get out, don't look at me. So dear sir, I will also say this DO NOT ACCUSE ME OR MY FRIENDS OF SPREADING RUMORS ABOUT YOUR SORRY ASS! You aren't worth that much time or effort. And if you think that I or anyone I associate with is capable of doing something that despicable, you've got another thing coming. So go ahead and shove that humble pie down your throat, because I am beyond done with your shit. 

And by the way, how could you even begin to assume that I was spreading anything if you weren't opening your fat mouth and talking to someone about it? May I remind you that your reputation wasn't the only one at stake. I know you couldn't see that because your head was shoved so far up your ass, but its true.

If you don't like what I had to say here, well that sucks because like it or not, this is me.

Book Review #2

Review #2
Divergent- Veronica Roth

Overall, the book was good. It is set in a dystopian world which I usually have mixed feelings over, but it took a Hunger Games approach towards it which I really appreciated. The diction choices seemed very childish at times, which got annoying. I'm sure this was intentional however, I felt that the effect was overused which made the book drag on a little.  All this being said, the idea behind it was intriguing and so I powered through only to find myself in desperate need of the second book in the series by the end of the novel.  I would give this book 3.5/ 5 stars and would recommend it to fans of the Hunger Games series and books of similar genres.

I'm warning you now, you'll need to be patient as well as persistent or you may find yourself chucking the book (or your very expensive e-reader) across the room.

Book in Progress: Insurgent- Veronica Roth (Divergent Series #2)

I am aware that I deviated from the series that I did the first book review on. I'll probably review books out of order or from different series so learn to live with it (for now, at least).

Friends with Problems

Yes, I did just use that title. What are you gonna do about it? Anyway, moving on. This is the long awaited (a whole week haha) post about my "relationship." So without further ado, here's my story. 


*All names in this post have been changed in order to protect the identities of others

It all started five years ago (cue cheesy intro) when the new kid Alfredo came to school. I, for God knows what reason, was attracted to this kid and did my best to catch his attention. I flirted which must have been entertaining because my flirting with him consisted of asking him the same stupid question over and over again. What was the question? Obviously something sophisticated and classy with a hint of underlying humor that I knew he'd pick up on seeing as he was so intelligent (.-.). "Do you smell bacon?" to which he'd reply "With or without wings?" Yep, I was quite the catch.

Moving away from that cringe-worthy moment in my life, eventually I worked up enough courage to start asking for hugs which became a routine, even when neither of us really wanted it. Then I figured that taking an interest in him and his future would surely help. It did for a while, but I think after a week straight of, "So you want to be a chef, huh?" I'd beat that horse to death and then started shooting it and when I'd run out of bullets I jumped up and down on it while beating it with my gun. So once again I moved on and tried something new, meanwhile Alfredo was making absolutely no move towards me. Should I have taken the hint and stopped then? Probably. Would I do that? No, not me and my infinite wisdom. So basically, this would go on for a while before we were split up for a year during which time he'd acquired a girlfriend. I would seldom talk to him until that summer where we made plans to meet up at the local pool. When I got there he started getting all touchy-feely and I wasn't exactly sure as what was happening. I asked him about his girlfriend and he told me that they had broken up because of cheating so I just dropped it all together figuring it was a sore subject. He took me to some picnic tables and started rubbing my shoulders and when I finally relaxed unto it he tipped my head back and kissed me. Needless to say I was a happy camper and could have gone the rest of the day being happy from  that one kiss but it happened the same way two more times. (Added bonus, his best friend who was hardcore crushing on me was watching the whole thing and got super jealous, but he was/is an asshole and that made everything 100x better.)  

After that day we never hung out again outside of school, which wasn't bad, but it would've been nice. Anyway, that was the year that I made one of my best friends, Jane. We bonded over our irrational fear of testing on Romeo & Juliet.

I couldn't resist.

After getting to know her quite well, I brought up Alfredo, I wanted to know if she knew him and if so what she thought of him. Turns out she knew him quite well, they had been friends for a few years and they had even dated but had broken up over the summer due to cheating. After a bit of questioning, I found out that when he had kissed me over summer he was lying to me because he and Jane had not broken up yet, and I was the girl he was cheating with. Needless to say I felt terrible and fessed up to her right away, which brought us closer. She appreciated my honesty and was not mad at all because things were honestly "going downhill fast." But apparently, I was fixated because, even though I knew he was a liar and a cheater, I still wanted to be with him! What is wrong with me? I guess I thought that I would be different somehow. So we flirted back and forth a bit (like adults) and eventually his primal instincts kicked in and it was all about...well you know. So we spoke about it, but nothing ever happened in terms of acting on it. Our relationship ever since then has been this weird sort of flirtationship. We would go through dry spells where we didn't speak at all, but as soon as we did again it was like nothing had changed, it seemed normal and easy.

He got into another relationship with a girl named Katie and he talked to me about her, even asked for advice which I happily gave him. I was done playing second string, it was time to move onto a new sport. So I did and I dated a great guy, Elliot, who was so sweet and so kind. We dated for about two months, all of which Alfredo made it abundantly clear that he was jealous, but he had a girlfriend, so what did I care? After two months I allowed my friends to convince me that I was making a mistake being with Elliot and so we broke up, which I still tremendously regret, and about a week later Alfredo texted me and asked to hang out. I wasn't ready to go out yet, so I declined, but he was persistent and so while I didn't go out with him, we texted almost non-stop. He told me he knew what I was going through or at least he would because he and Katie were breaking up. I tried to comfort him, but they broke up for reasons... not of the heart. He wanted me. He promised me that it would be a first for him as well and it would be special, but I couldn't just do something like that, especially not with someone like him. So began another dry spell.

We just recently broke this one about a week ago. I once again found out that he had been lying, he and Katie broke up over cheating, and that once again I was the one he was cheating with. Which makes me feel terrible. I mean I didn't know otherwise I would've stopped it, but I still feel like shit. Anyway, he brought up the whole FWB thing again, and quite honestly I considered it. I thought that I might go through with it and see where it led and then I had a revelation, which should have been obvious from the start. Here it is. I know I don't need a guy or anyone for that matter to make me feel good, or important, or loved. I have family and friends and myself for that. I want to be respected and loved if I am going to make that sort of commitment with someone, I don't want it to just be some casual thing. So I decided I was done. I am just going to chill out and have fun. I can come back to the dating scene whenever I so damn please. And hey, maybe this is as good an opportunity as any to step into the other side of the bisexual world and experiment with girls. Life's about learning and I've learned a lot, but I've still got a hell of a road ahead of me. So I have not spoken to Alfredo for over 2 weeks now and my absolute best friend in the world, Hailey, is helping me through every stage of getting over him and my apparent desire to want to be with someone for no other reason than to not be alone.

I know it sounds pathetic and that's because it is. There's no getting around it, but like it or not this is me, and I'm not changing for anyone.

Thoughts on Obesity

So by now you've probably heard that obesity is a major problem in America and if you haven't, well, where have you been? People these days are spending so much time sitting in front of a TV or a computer with sugary/salty/fatty drinks and snacks and not enough time getting up and getting active.

Despite the common argument, obesity is not a disease, it's a choice. It can be avoided by choosing healthy foods and exercising.

First I'll address food. Obviously, fruits and veggies are the #1 option of healthy eating, but that is only the beginning. Even just swapping your bag of chips for the baked option can help. But too many people are avoiding those options for complaints such as a different taste/texture or even price. Another good option would be to pick the low or no sugar options. They usually taste the same and are WAY healthier for you. I did just that and lost about 30 pounds! It's insane how quickly you will see a difference and once you see those pounds falling off you'll not only become more confident, but you'll begin to feel better physically. You will find you are able to do things you couldn't before and things that were once hard for you to do will become progressively easier.

Exercise. It sucks, we all know it, but that's no excuse. Get up, walk around, run, get on a treadmill, do a workout tape, etc. It doesn't matter!! Just get moving. Hell just Google commercial workouts and every time a commercial break hits get up and do a mini workout. You'll feel better about yourself and your body will thank you for it later. No pain, no gain, right?

So I am not going to sit here and say all of these things and pretend that I'm not also at fault, because I am. I am not necessarily obese but I am overweight. So I am going to eat healthy and exercise and report back here every so often with updates on my progress. Hopefully my progress and dedication can inspire you or someone you know to do the same.I may create a new fitness blog with tips, recipes, workout plans/ideas, and updates, but I haven't decided for sure. Leave a comment below and let me know if that's something you'd be interested in. Anyway if anything said here bothered, offended, or annoyed (or anything else) you, well that sucks, but like it or not this is me.

Book Review #1

So for those of you who read my "Catching Up" post, this will just be a bit of review as to what my reviews will consist of, how often they will come out, and how they'll work. Feel free to review or skip down to the first review. 

For those of you who are new to my blog... Welcome! This is a blog where I post whatever I feel like, whenever I feel like it regardless of what people think about it because, like it or not, this is me. Alright, now that we've gotten that out of the way, back to the book reviews. Here's how they're going to work. 

1. I will try to read a variety of books throughout the month
2. I will pick one of those books to do an "official" review on. This review will be more like something you would read in a newspaper or something like that. They may even take on a discussion feel depending on how I feel about it.
3. The other books I've read will get reviewed to, but they'll be much shorter "baby reviews" Basically those will be whether or not I liked it accompanied by a star rating, whether or not I would recommend them, who I would recommend them too, and why. Very short, sweet, and to the point (my guess is no more than a paragraph)
4. The baby reviews will most likely be posted out throughout the month and the big review will be once a month at the end of the month.

I think that's just about all you need to know about these, so read on and enjoy. Or don't, I don't control you.

Review #1 

hush, hush- Becca Fitzpatrick

I really enjoyed this book, however I am into the "paranormal romance" genre, so take from that what you will. I give this book 3.5/ 5 stars. I do recommend this book for those of you who are also big fans of paranormal romance as well as teenagers who I believe would absolutely swoon over this book. Fitzpatrick  is a great writer and can bring any situation to life and make you believe in it. Overall, a good book and a nice change of pace from vampires and werewolves.

Alright guys, that was review #1. Just a tidbit of info for all of you, BABY REVIEWS WILL BE ENTITLED LIKE THIS VIDEO "BOOK REVIEW #" AND THE BIG REVIEWS WILL BE ENTITLED WITH THE BOOK'S TITLE AND AUTHOR. 

Keep an eye out for these and more. If you didn't like what I had to say here, then fuck off  that sucks for you because, like it or not this is me.

  

Catching Up

Well it has certainly been a while, hasn't it?

If you're looking for an update, sit back and buckle up because its gonna be a long ride. My life has been rather hectic and crazy and filled with far more drama than I care to admit. (A lot of which wasn't necessarily mine!!)

I you aren't looking for an update then I suggest you click away now...

Okay, now that we have gotten rid of all the negativity and it is just you and me, let's get down to business. 

Since we last spoke (or since I've posted and you've so graciously read) I have...

1. Broken my left wrist (totaling 4 injuries to that wrist)  
2. Almost gotten into four accidents (all of which would have been caused by asshole/idiot drivers who should not be legally allowed to possess a license!)
3. Attended only four days of school out of a possible 39 (my absences were/are medical related, so stop judging me)
4. Been in the car when my mom accidentally ran over a cat. ( :( ) 
5. Gone to the hospital for relatives at least six times in under two weeks (!)
6. Read Looking for Alaska, Paper Towns, and The Fault in our Stars all by John Green ( all amazing and I would highly recommend them to anybody! Plus keep an eye out as I will be posting book reviews for all three of those books as well as some of my other favorites. More details below.)
7. Written so many essays (2 of which I am particularly proud of and may post on here. More details below)
8. Eaten/ made loads of sushi (yum!)
9. Gone broke (damn sushi...and other items...)
10. Bought an insanely cute jacket from Me Jane (thanks Ross!)
11. Entered into and then exited right back out of yet another relationship (if you want to hear more about that check out my next post called "Friends with Problems." Coming soon!)
12. Had some very...candid conversations with my best friend (it is safe to say she officially knows too much so we have to stay best friends for the rest of eternity)
13. Come out on Instagram as bi (no, I did not post a picture of me making out with a girl)
14. Rediscovered my love for acting, blogging , and hot cheetos (seriously though, hot cheetos are the best snack food) 

I think that's it or at least that's all I remember/ want to share with you, at least for the moment. So now we shall delve into the " More details below" portion of the blog.

1. I love to read and I love to share about what I'm reading. So I have decided that I am going to try to review 1 book a month. This will give me time to read a couple and decide which one I want to give you the scoop on. I will post baby reviews of all of the books I have read, but the main one I decide to review will be more professional and more of a discussion type review. Make sense? I hope so. Anyway to get started I am going to post a bunch of baby reviews of the books on my bookshelf and then 3 full length review of the John Green books I mentioned above. I have not started these yet, so it'll be a while before they are up. So be watching out for those.
2. As I said I have written a lot of essays and there are some that I am particularly proud of. I am considering posting those onto this blog just to share, but I'm not sure just yet so I'd like to get your opinions. 

If anything said here was offensive, boring, weird, etc. to you that sucks, but like it or not this is me.

Change

Change. It is one of those things that usually sucks and then ends up being good. At least in my experience. I'm hoping that's how its going work this time around too.The thing is, this is a change I have wanted forever, the timing is just shit. 

I finally found friends that accept me for who I am and don't judge me for what I'm not. They share similar interests and have been there for me through some of the toughest times in my life thus far. I don't want to leave that behind, we have planned so much put lives out in anticipation of always being together.

I finally set myself up to be in classes that can help me to achieve my goals. I found teachers that I actually like and get along with, who can help me not only to learn things such as history, English, science, etc. but who have ultimately made me a better person and been mentors to me throughout the years. 

I have become stronger because of all the adversity and ridicule I have been forced to endure. I was finally able to stop resenting my predicament and begin to respect it. Appreciate it even. I was beginning to enjoy it, and now I may be forced to leave it all behind. The people, the experiences, the failures, and successes. An entire life, left behind. 

I always imagined going off to college, meeting someone I loved and starting a family, having a career I loved, living for the moment. However, now that reality has begun to stare me straight in the face, all of that seems incredibly scary. I'm not sure how all of this is going to work out, hopefully for the best. All I can do is try my best to maintain the ties, friendships, and promises I have and stay true to myself because like it or not, this is me.

I Screwed Up

I have a friend who has lately been extremely sad about some guy who is making her feel betrayed and worthless. I, along with a multitude of other people, have told her that he is just playing her and that she should move on. Needless to say, this never works and she continues to sulk about it until he decides he wants to mess with her mind again and the cycle starts over.

How does this connect to me screwing up? Well, her constant ranting got me thinking about who all I've been played by and I found that I haven't really been played, but that I've been the player. It sounds weird to say because players are generally viewed as guys who sleep around and use girls for their personal gain, however I seem to be simply playing the guys emotions (despite my coming out, I still have not dated a girl). This emotional abuse is in NO way intentional! I have trust and commitment issues due to some incidents that have occurred to me in the past and I cannot seem to push them aside. It seems as if every time I begin to really connect with someone, I get scared that I will be forced to relive my past with this new person. 

For example, this is actually happening again with a guy I have liked for and had a "flirtationship" with for the last five years. Let's call him... Carter. Carter is so incredibly sweet and has helped me through so many things that I am not sure what I would do without him in my life. The problem is I can't bring myself to open up and be completely vulnerable with him because I am afraid that he will simply abuse it. And that is something I can never take back. We keep getting so close to being in a relationship, and I keep pulling away and friend-zoning him, for lack of a better word. I think part of it is that we want different things out of our relationships at this point in our lives, and we aren't exactly sure how to make a viable compromise. However, I'm not sure compromise is an option anymore.

A few days ago he asked me to text him and I eagerly agreed, wanting nothing more than to talk to Carter for who knows how many uninterrupted hours. When I got around to actually having time to text him I wasn't feeling good and my phone was dead, making me lose all interest in doing anything more than jumping straight into my bed. I sent him a quick text the next morning explaining what had happened and when I logged into my Facebook earlier today I was immediately greeted with a message I could only interpret as being aimed towards me. The picture was a rain cloud with a rainbow that said, "You know what? I don't really care." And his caption read, "This is basically how I feel right now." So I sent him a rather "obsessive" message saying, "So I'm guessing you hate me now, right?" It wasn't the best idea I've ever had, but I thought it might break the tension that was so obviously there and give him an opportunity to vent his true feelings. I was wrong. He still hasn't responded to my message and he has had numerous opportunities to do so. I can't help wondering if this is an act of revenge, pain, or simply that he has lost interest. 

So, I basically fucked up everything good I thought I had with Carter, I still don't feel good, and I can't find a solution to either of these problems. Ugh! I realize that this may sound pretty needy and pathetic (especially for the third post in this new blog), but I just don't care because, like it or not, this is me. 

P.S.
If anyone is reading this and cares to share their own story, ask for advice about their problems, or wants to offer up some solutions to my problems, feel free to comment them below or PM me (can you even do private messages on Blogger??)

An Issue Close to My Heart

I recently had to write a persuasive essay for school and I chose the subject gay marriage. I chose it because I have a lot of family that is gay and  feel that all people should have equal opportunities. In fact, it has quite a few benefit to society such as: improving health, improving the economy (small contributions), bringing children out of orphanages and into stable, loving homes, etc. However this isn't a blog about why gay marriage should be legal. This blog is about me deciding that if people can go out in the world and fight for a right that they want/deserve without worrying about being judged and criticized then I should be able to speak out about a decision I've made about myself. That decision is that I am bisexual. No this isn't a phase, I am not some freak of nature, my goal is not to ruin anyone else's relationship, and I am not confused. I simply find people of both the same and opposite sex attractive. Does this mean I view myself as butch? No. Does this mean I plan to have a relationship with and/or marry a woman? No. All it means is that I am comfortable enough with myself to express any emotions I may feel towards members of either sex. Simple as that. I will not apologize for the decision I have made, nor will I defend or explain it to anyone. I don't need anyone's approval. Now you may be wondering, if I don't plan to defend or explain this choice, why write an entire blog about it? Well that's simple, I wanted to show other people who may be struggling with this issue that there is nothing wrong with their choice and that there are other people who understand what they are going through. Also because, like it or not, this is me.

( If you are a victim of gay bashing you can go to the following website and speak to other LGBT youth as well as utilize their Lifeline services: www.thetrevorproject.org ) 

A Bit of Background

My name for all intents and purposes, as you can see, is BriannaJ. I have two other blogs which I refuse to delete on the grounds that they have helped to get me to where I am today. Each of those blogs, in my opinion, sort of sucked and today was the day that I realized why.I kept trying so hard to please others with my writing instead of just writing what I wanted and having others like it because it was true and honest. So this blog is me doing exactly that. If you don't like honesty, sarcasm, controversial subjects, etc, etc, I suggest you do not read any future blogs, for they will contain all of those things. Why? Because like it or not this is me.