noun
1.
confidence in one's own worth or abilities; self-respect.
Let's
just be blunt; self esteem issues suck. I know a lot of people who
struggle with their self esteem and despite how I may come off in these
blogs, I have self esteem issues too. I actually created this blog for
the sole purpose of helping to work through them. I figured that if I
could be confident and courageous online that it might bleed into my
'real life.' And it has to some extent, but it certainly hasn't
completely turned my life upside down and made everything better.As a kid I, along with every other child, was fairly confident and had constant reassurance from my parents, but as I got older those things began fading.
On my first day of first grade, I was sitting alone on the playground and this kid named Garret called me an elephant. I tried to chase him down and do...something to get my revenge, but I had to stop and sit down because 1) he was much faster than me and 2) I had/have really bad asthma and running only made things worse. So I started being teased and made fun of at a very early age.
Because of this, I never really made any friends and the people who I had considered friends for most of my years in elementary school kind of ignored me or would ditch me at any opportunity.This happened basically everyday and as a kid that kind of "neglect" is damaging to your self esteem.
Now that I'm older I can see that they were never really my friends and that I truly was better off without them, However, even though I am able to acknowledge that fact now doesn't mean that it doesn't still hurt.
So I was not confident about who I was as a person at all (thank you to all of the douche bag bullies for that one!). And then just to add to it, I started feeling uncomfortable with my body in fifth grade and it just got progressively worse. Plus it doesn't help when all of your peers are mean and constantly teasing you (kids are cruel, just FYI).
Sixth grade was one of the worst if not the worst. I was slightly overweight (only about 15 pounds) and I was constantly teased and harassed about that as well as everything else. Despite that, I tried to come out of my shell and tell the boy that I liked that I liked him and be a confident person. Except that my plan backfired... badly. I apparently wasn't very good at hiding it because he already knew. He didn't like me back, but not just in the I-don't-like-you-like-that way, but in the I-really-don't-like-you-AT-ALL way. So he told this despicable bitch named Bailey (who just so happened to like him) that if she could make me cry that he would be her boyfriend. So she, of course, agreed to it. So in math class on the day that they made the deal she tore me apart in front of the entire class and I cried...for the entire class. Obviously, I didn't find out about the plan until after the incident, but as it turns out my "friends" knew about it the entire time and didn't say anything because they wanted to see if I was tough enough to handle it. And then they kept threatening to "kick me out" of the group because of my lack of toughness. They were all such assholes. Anyway, Bailey dated Ashtin (the guy) for about a week and then he told her that he didn't actually like her, he just wanted to see me cry and didn't want to get in trouble if he got caught.
After that day I was mildly depressed and I began to self harm. It started off small and eventually progressed further and further until I was pretty messed up. That, however, is a different long story that I am not completely ready to tell. The teasing got worse and I couldn't trust anyone and so I would just wander around campus during break, praying that it would get better and that class would distract me. Then summer rolled around and things got better for a while due to the fact that I stayed at home where no one except my brother could make me feel bad about myself.
Seventh grade came and I was still SOL in the friend department as well as the teasing. So I continued to do my thing and just roam the campus. One day this group of people saw me walking around and invited me to hang out with them. They were really nice and accepting and actually like me for me. Finally, I made some real friends.They were the whole reason my "relationship" with Alfredo (not his actual name) actually began. If you want to read about that click here. Anyway, I am happy to say that of the four of them I am still good friends with three. (And there's a very valid reason,which was neither of our faults, for why we aren't friends anymore, but once again it's another very long story that I am not yet ready to tell.) The only downside was that they were in eighth grade which meant they would leave for high school when I went into my last year of elementary.
So the year went on and the teasing didn't stop, but I had friends to help me deal with it. Then summer came back around and I was spending all the time I could with them before I had to go back to school and face the music on my own again.
That year two girls, Hannah and Kyra, transferred in and I immediately knew that I didn't like them. They just came off as bitchy and I figured they'd just join in teasing me once they heard everyone else doing it. I was pleasantly surprised when they didn't, but we never hung out or anything either.
I found a rare group of people, similar to the four in seventh grade who had heard what people said about me an just didn't care. They accepted me into their group and things once again got better.
About a quarter of the way through the year Hannah and Kyra who were the best of friends had a falling out and Hannah became a loner. So I invited her to hang out with us and she fit just perfectly into our little island of misfit toys.
Freshman year. Needless to say, it was hell. I still got bullied, but so did other people. I think that was more the fact that we were "intruders" and not that they picked me specifically. Although, what they say is true and high school changes everything about who you are. Our group split apart and only Hannah, Casandra, and me still hung out together. I still got teased, but not nearly as bad.
Sophomore year. Casandra decided she hated us and left the group to hang out with Alfredo and the other half of our original group. That group, excluding Alfredo, essentially turned traitor on us and started spreading rumors about us and being mean and rude. Knocking my self esteem even lower than it already was. And at that point it was starting to impact Hannah and Nic (her boyfriend) too. They were being slightly teased for hanging out with me. So we became outcasts and that actually helped a lot. It seems that teenagers have the attention span of a squirrel and if you aren't around anyone else they tend to forget about you.
So now it's junior year and I don't really have to deal with any of that anymore. My asthma has prevented me from going to school so I am home schooled now. And while I have to deal with my brother constantly insulting me and how I look and whatnot, which hurts like hell, everything is so much more calm. Nic and Hannah both left the school doing independent study programs for reasons unrelated to the bullying.
I guess the point of telling you all of this was not to be cliche and say that it really does get better. I'm sure it does at some point, but what I want to say is that it's hard. And I understand the pain and the struggles that you face each and everyday because of self esteem issues and bullying. Even when you do not have to deal with someone saying something to/about you everyday, you still have to deal with it. I know that I have a lot of emotional scarring and damage and it can't all be repaired, and what can be fixed is going to take time. I understand that you might feel weak or powerless. I have those days myself, but you're not. If you struggle with self esteem and you're reading this right now, know that you are strong. You fight a battle day in and day out and every time you emerge victorious, even when it seems that all has been lost.
Don't give up. You are worth so much more than you know and nothing that anyone can say or do is ever going to change that. Keep fighting, I will, because I know that it has to get better and that there are wonderful great things just waiting for me. Stay strong guys and know that you are not alone in this.
I finally realized that it truly doesn't matter what others think of you, just as long as you see yourself in a positive light. I'm working on it, but like it or not, this is me.
If
you need some support or help dealing with these issues do not be
afraid to talk to a trusted teacher, loved one, friend, counselor, etc. I
am positive someone is willing to listen. Also feel free to check out the links below. Some of them may seem cheesy, but read through
them, you never know what might help.- Teens Health
- Support Groups- Self Esteem
- Support Group- Personal Stories/ Sharing
- Stop Bullying
- The Trevor Project
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