Linguine...Alfredo...Pasta? Alex.

So I think we abandoned the whole disguise thing and if not, we are now. (Because Alfredo was just oh so clever wasn't it?)

I'm gonna just throw it all out there and catch you up on the latest and greatest with this... interesting boy I had the immense "pleasure" of getting caught up with. So a brief recap from the top:

-Met in 7th grade (This wasn't too bad.)

-Became friends (Yay! A friend! Have I explained my whole "I- was- a friendless- child" thing yet?)

-Immediately developed massive, totally unnecessary crush on him (And here's where the problems began.)

-Embarrassed myself a lot in front of him (I did this in front of everyone, but it was especially embarrassing in front of him)

-Made a huge deal out of hugging him everyday (All I have to say is *CRINGE*)

-Sneaked around with him a lot during summer (Okay, it was only like twice, but my life isn't all that exciting, so let me have this.)

-Kissed him three times, Spider Man style (That was not my idea, but I must admit, it was fun.)

-Stopped hanging out (And here's where my problems could have ended, but noooooo)

-Found out he cheated on his girlfriends with me (I was called a home-wrecker. Multiple times.)

-Assumed he was using me (I was right!!)

-Conveniently "forgot" he was using me (I swear, I saw the pattern and ignored it.)

-Sexted him (YES RAEGRETS! And if you don't get that reference, I'm slightly disappointed in you.)

-Helped him cheat on yet another girlfriend (UNKNOWINGLY! Before you go and start judging me.)

-Stopped talking (Another opportunity to end all of this, but did I? I think you know the answer to that.)

-Started talking to him again once he was single (And this is where it gets good for all you readers out there.)

And now we are back to the most current happenings in the Adventures of Ridiculousness. (I know that that's a stupid name for all this, but honestly, I don't know what to call this other than a mistake.) Scratch that, let's just call it The Mistake. Yes, that's oh so much more accurate.

So as I said, we started talking again. He was all heartbroken over breaking up with his girlfriend, as to be expected, but he actually told me, and I quote "I feel like my heart was put into a blender. It's like, eh." (Eh. He emotes so well! Did you hear the sarcasm dripping from that statement? God, I hope so.) I decided to take on the role of best friend and get him through his break up as unscathed as possible and I was doing a damn good job, even with his ridiculous one word replies and refusal to open up emotionally. (Another clue that I should have given up then and there? Probably, but I refused to see it!)

Eventually, we sorta stopped talking, at least on a daily basis. He was basically over his ex and he was moving on. That was the goal, right? But that wasn't good enough for me. I was responsible for his good mood and I wanted to enjoy it. I wanted to be with him. It was high time I got a chance after all the other girls I had to watch him be with. I told him that I wanted to be with him, that I liked him, and that I wanted to see where things went and he agreed! (Finally, something went my way!) We were talking all the time, and things were going great. He opened up to me about things that he hadn't told anyone else, made me feel special, and I was positive we would start dating. And lucky me, his birthday was coming up so I planned this whole big thing and I was going to push things over the edge. Make it all final. I bought him a card, made him a cake, and invited him to go to the movies with me on the night of his birthday. All very spontaneous, at least on his end it was.

He picked me up and we left for the midnight premiere of How To Train Your Dragon 2, which was cute. (What I saw of it anyway *super exaggerated wink* ) And then things went a bit downhill...

We had been making out and fooling around in the theater and when the movie got out we could hardly wait to get out to the car. He had me pushed up against the car and was touching me in ways I had never been touched before. I was nervous, but excited and vulnerable as hell. We moved our little party to the backseat of his car and things got pretty hot and heavy. (I won't go into details, mainly because it was personal and the Internet is soooo not.) Anyway, he got a little carried away and tried to go further than I was willing to go. I told him to stop and that I wasn't ready. Practically screamed no and nothing. He wasn't stopping. Eventually, he did, before anything actually happened. (If you were wondering, no, he did NOT rape me, but I was freaked.)

After that night I didn't talk to him for like three weeks and all he did was text me. (Oh how the tides had turned.  A little too late, unfortunately.) When I did talk to him again I told him how I felt that night and that it freaked me out and he was totally understanding. I thought the fact that he was sorry was going to be enough to make it all better and that things would go back to normal, but of course, it wasn't. (Thank you Hannah for beating some sense into me about that.) Anyway, the silence went on after that conversation until about two weeks ago when he randomly texted me. He told me he wasn't ready for a relationship right now, but that he wanted me to sneak out and meet him so that we could fool around because he was "frustrated." I told him and I quote "Nope. I don't feel like sneaking out. Plus, things are different now." He asked me why and I said, "Because if you don't want a relationship, there's no point, is there?" To which he decided to yell at me about how he was upset and his friends weren't talking to him and that I had picked the worst time to do this. AS IF I DID IT INTENTIONALLY, LIKE I WAS THE ONE WHO STARTED IT! (Seriously, I wanted to deck him right in the mouth. How dare he try to blame his problems on me!) That turned into a 20 minute fight and ended in us not talking for another week before I decided to be the bigger person and apologize.

We talked it out and he explained to me why he didn't want a relationship (Notice how it changed from "not ready for a new relationship..." Bullshit!)(Pardon my French, but my God, he could've just said no. I'm a big girl, I can handle it.) Turns out there's another girl. (For those of you guessing at home, who saw that coming?) I wish I could say I was totally blindsided, but I'm not an idiot, I knew it was coming. Her name is Bekah, (Is it just me or is that a kind of tacky way to spell it?) and she's the one that got away. The girl he's been hung up on since freshman year. The girl he's truly in love with, the girl he will never have because, not only is she moving out of state, but she rejected him. (Thank you, Karma!) He told me he liked me a lot, and that he still does, but doesn't want to risk our friendship and how I'm always there for him. And because I'm just such a good person I said I felt the same way and essentially agreed to be forever friendzoned. Which honestly, I'm not all that upset about.  (Now anyway. I was kind of broken up about it for a few days. But after seeing how much better I could do, I got over it)(Seriously, there are some hot guys who are into me. Which being totally honest, I'm shocked about. HAHA)

So there you have it. Our story ends in friendship. And this really is the end folks, no more second or third (does anyone have a chance total running yet? I lost count.) chance. We are officially done with anything even remotely romantic or friends with benefits-y. Man, does that feel good to say.

Don't judge me. You're not perfect either. Besides, I realized this was all a bad idea eventually, and that's all that matters, right?

The World Won't Wait

Life is hard.

It knocks you down and it stomps on you until you can barely recognize the person staring back at you in the mirror. It threatens to take everything you have and most of the time it feels as if you'll never overcome it. It's incredibly difficult to recover from those moments. The important thing, the most crucial in fact, is that no matter how hard your life gets, you pick yourself back up and you keep moving because the world certainly isn't going to wait for us.

My nights have been filled with dark thoughts and more tears than I thought I was even capable of producing. I scared myself and for the first time, I sought help. However, I was met with blatant disregard and selfishness. I allowed myself to be plagued by the vicious thoughts and, eventually, I fell victim to it. I let myself believe that self-harm was the only form of control I had. I also found myself letting people back into my life that I was better off without. I was opening the door to destruction because I think I had forgotten somewhere along the line that I am fully capable of healing and moving forward.

I can't explain my actions. Partly because I don't understand them myself, but also because I don't want to. I made mistakes and I stumbled a bit, but everyone does. I can't let myself feel shame for something that doesn't warrant it by "admitting." It happened and now it's time to move forward.

I have to take this experience and use it. I can't simply forget it. What good would that do me? No, I have to use this as a building block. I have to grow from this, become stronger for having gone through it, rather than feel helpless for having a moment of weakness.

The road ahead is long and no doubt has its fair share of bumps, but I'm ready. I look forward to facing the challenge. And I'd just like to say that, no matter what you're going through, you are not alone. Even if you can't see it, there are people who love and care about you, who want to help, so please allow them to opportunity to do so.

Keep fighting.

Friends with Problems

Yes, I did just use that title. What are you gonna do about it? Anyway, moving on. This is the long awaited (a whole week haha) post about my "relationship." So without further ado, here's my story. 


*All names in this post have been changed in order to protect the identities of others

It all started five years ago (cue cheesy intro) when the new kid Alfredo came to school. I, for God knows what reason, was attracted to this kid and did my best to catch his attention. I flirted which must have been entertaining because my flirting with him consisted of asking him the same stupid question over and over again. What was the question? Obviously something sophisticated and classy with a hint of underlying humor that I knew he'd pick up on seeing as he was so intelligent (.-.). "Do you smell bacon?" to which he'd reply "With or without wings?" Yep, I was quite the catch.

Moving away from that cringe-worthy moment in my life, eventually I worked up enough courage to start asking for hugs which became a routine, even when neither of us really wanted it. Then I figured that taking an interest in him and his future would surely help. It did for a while, but I think after a week straight of, "So you want to be a chef, huh?" I'd beat that horse to death and then started shooting it and when I'd run out of bullets I jumped up and down on it while beating it with my gun. So once again I moved on and tried something new, meanwhile Alfredo was making absolutely no move towards me. Should I have taken the hint and stopped then? Probably. Would I do that? No, not me and my infinite wisdom. So basically, this would go on for a while before we were split up for a year during which time he'd acquired a girlfriend. I would seldom talk to him until that summer where we made plans to meet up at the local pool. When I got there he started getting all touchy-feely and I wasn't exactly sure as what was happening. I asked him about his girlfriend and he told me that they had broken up because of cheating so I just dropped it all together figuring it was a sore subject. He took me to some picnic tables and started rubbing my shoulders and when I finally relaxed unto it he tipped my head back and kissed me. Needless to say I was a happy camper and could have gone the rest of the day being happy from  that one kiss but it happened the same way two more times. (Added bonus, his best friend who was hardcore crushing on me was watching the whole thing and got super jealous, but he was/is an asshole and that made everything 100x better.)  

After that day we never hung out again outside of school, which wasn't bad, but it would've been nice. Anyway, that was the year that I made one of my best friends, Jane. We bonded over our irrational fear of testing on Romeo & Juliet.

I couldn't resist.

After getting to know her quite well, I brought up Alfredo, I wanted to know if she knew him and if so what she thought of him. Turns out she knew him quite well, they had been friends for a few years and they had even dated but had broken up over the summer due to cheating. After a bit of questioning, I found out that when he had kissed me over summer he was lying to me because he and Jane had not broken up yet, and I was the girl he was cheating with. Needless to say I felt terrible and fessed up to her right away, which brought us closer. She appreciated my honesty and was not mad at all because things were honestly "going downhill fast." But apparently, I was fixated because, even though I knew he was a liar and a cheater, I still wanted to be with him! What is wrong with me? I guess I thought that I would be different somehow. So we flirted back and forth a bit (like adults) and eventually his primal instincts kicked in and it was all about...well you know. So we spoke about it, but nothing ever happened in terms of acting on it. Our relationship ever since then has been this weird sort of flirtationship. We would go through dry spells where we didn't speak at all, but as soon as we did again it was like nothing had changed, it seemed normal and easy.

He got into another relationship with a girl named Katie and he talked to me about her, even asked for advice which I happily gave him. I was done playing second string, it was time to move onto a new sport. So I did and I dated a great guy, Elliot, who was so sweet and so kind. We dated for about two months, all of which Alfredo made it abundantly clear that he was jealous, but he had a girlfriend, so what did I care? After two months I allowed my friends to convince me that I was making a mistake being with Elliot and so we broke up, which I still tremendously regret, and about a week later Alfredo texted me and asked to hang out. I wasn't ready to go out yet, so I declined, but he was persistent and so while I didn't go out with him, we texted almost non-stop. He told me he knew what I was going through or at least he would because he and Katie were breaking up. I tried to comfort him, but they broke up for reasons... not of the heart. He wanted me. He promised me that it would be a first for him as well and it would be special, but I couldn't just do something like that, especially not with someone like him. So began another dry spell.

We just recently broke this one about a week ago. I once again found out that he had been lying, he and Katie broke up over cheating, and that once again I was the one he was cheating with. Which makes me feel terrible. I mean I didn't know otherwise I would've stopped it, but I still feel like shit. Anyway, he brought up the whole FWB thing again, and quite honestly I considered it. I thought that I might go through with it and see where it led and then I had a revelation, which should have been obvious from the start. Here it is. I know I don't need a guy or anyone for that matter to make me feel good, or important, or loved. I have family and friends and myself for that. I want to be respected and loved if I am going to make that sort of commitment with someone, I don't want it to just be some casual thing. So I decided I was done. I am just going to chill out and have fun. I can come back to the dating scene whenever I so damn please. And hey, maybe this is as good an opportunity as any to step into the other side of the bisexual world and experiment with girls. Life's about learning and I've learned a lot, but I've still got a hell of a road ahead of me. So I have not spoken to Alfredo for over 2 weeks now and my absolute best friend in the world, Hailey, is helping me through every stage of getting over him and my apparent desire to want to be with someone for no other reason than to not be alone.

I know it sounds pathetic and that's because it is. There's no getting around it, but like it or not this is me, and I'm not changing for anyone.

I Screwed Up

I have a friend who has lately been extremely sad about some guy who is making her feel betrayed and worthless. I, along with a multitude of other people, have told her that he is just playing her and that she should move on. Needless to say, this never works and she continues to sulk about it until he decides he wants to mess with her mind again and the cycle starts over.

How does this connect to me screwing up? Well, her constant ranting got me thinking about who all I've been played by and I found that I haven't really been played, but that I've been the player. It sounds weird to say because players are generally viewed as guys who sleep around and use girls for their personal gain, however I seem to be simply playing the guys emotions (despite my coming out, I still have not dated a girl). This emotional abuse is in NO way intentional! I have trust and commitment issues due to some incidents that have occurred to me in the past and I cannot seem to push them aside. It seems as if every time I begin to really connect with someone, I get scared that I will be forced to relive my past with this new person. 

For example, this is actually happening again with a guy I have liked for and had a "flirtationship" with for the last five years. Let's call him... Carter. Carter is so incredibly sweet and has helped me through so many things that I am not sure what I would do without him in my life. The problem is I can't bring myself to open up and be completely vulnerable with him because I am afraid that he will simply abuse it. And that is something I can never take back. We keep getting so close to being in a relationship, and I keep pulling away and friend-zoning him, for lack of a better word. I think part of it is that we want different things out of our relationships at this point in our lives, and we aren't exactly sure how to make a viable compromise. However, I'm not sure compromise is an option anymore.

A few days ago he asked me to text him and I eagerly agreed, wanting nothing more than to talk to Carter for who knows how many uninterrupted hours. When I got around to actually having time to text him I wasn't feeling good and my phone was dead, making me lose all interest in doing anything more than jumping straight into my bed. I sent him a quick text the next morning explaining what had happened and when I logged into my Facebook earlier today I was immediately greeted with a message I could only interpret as being aimed towards me. The picture was a rain cloud with a rainbow that said, "You know what? I don't really care." And his caption read, "This is basically how I feel right now." So I sent him a rather "obsessive" message saying, "So I'm guessing you hate me now, right?" It wasn't the best idea I've ever had, but I thought it might break the tension that was so obviously there and give him an opportunity to vent his true feelings. I was wrong. He still hasn't responded to my message and he has had numerous opportunities to do so. I can't help wondering if this is an act of revenge, pain, or simply that he has lost interest. 

So, I basically fucked up everything good I thought I had with Carter, I still don't feel good, and I can't find a solution to either of these problems. Ugh! I realize that this may sound pretty needy and pathetic (especially for the third post in this new blog), but I just don't care because, like it or not, this is me. 

P.S.
If anyone is reading this and cares to share their own story, ask for advice about their problems, or wants to offer up some solutions to my problems, feel free to comment them below or PM me (can you even do private messages on Blogger??)