Life is hard.
It knocks you down and it stomps on you until you can barely recognize the person staring back at you in the mirror. It threatens to take everything you have and most of the time it feels as if you'll never overcome it. It's incredibly difficult to recover from those moments. The important thing, the most crucial in fact, is that no matter how hard your life gets, you pick yourself back up and you keep moving because the world certainly isn't going to wait for us.
My nights have been filled with dark thoughts and more tears than I thought I was even capable of producing. I scared myself and for the first time, I sought help. However, I was met with blatant disregard and selfishness. I allowed myself to be plagued by the vicious thoughts and, eventually, I fell victim to
it. I let myself believe that self-harm was the only form of control I
had. I also found myself letting people back into my life that I was better off without. I was opening the door to destruction because I think I had forgotten somewhere along the line that I am fully capable of healing and moving forward.
I can't explain my actions. Partly because I don't understand them myself, but also because I don't want to. I made mistakes and I stumbled a bit, but everyone does. I can't let myself feel shame for something that doesn't warrant it by "admitting." It happened and now it's time to move forward.
I have to take this experience and use it. I can't simply forget it. What good would that do me? No, I have to use this as a building block. I have to grow from this, become stronger for having gone through it, rather than feel helpless for having a moment of weakness.
The road ahead is long and no doubt has its fair share of bumps, but I'm ready. I look forward to facing the challenge. And I'd just like to say that, no matter what you're going through, you are not alone. Even if you can't see it, there are people who love and care about you, who want to help, so please allow them to opportunity to do so.
Keep fighting.
Showing posts with label update. Show all posts
Showing posts with label update. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Maybe Not So Single...
So here's the deal.
I don't remember if I told you this or not, but even if I did, here's a little recap.
So we all know about "Alfredo" who's actual name is Alex. It is getting ridiculous writing that name over and over and hiding his name isn't really all that important anymore. Plus, I highly doubt he'll ever find this blog. Anyway, back to my story. So remember that Alex and I had that on again off again flirtationship thing going on? Well it's off again, except this time it's permanent. I am so beyond done putting up with his shit and I will not be a part of his cheating ways. So that happened and I honestly feel really good about it. That is a weight lifted off my shoulders.
Moving forward in my "romantic" life, I met a new guy. Technically, he isn't new, I met him last year in my business class. When we first met, he was kind of shy and didn't say much, but as the year went on he started to warm up to me and we began talking, although I always got the impression that he didn't really like me. As it turns out, he got the same vibe from me, which was all sort of a result of our mutual friend Kevin. However, that is a long and complicated story, and I'll probably explain it in a blog post of its own. He graduated last year and since then we hadn't really talked. And then one day, out of the blue, he messaged me. And that ladies and gentlemen is where our story begins...
It was probably 9:00 PM and I'm scrolling through Facebook when I see a message from him. I thought it was odd considering we hadn't talked much since his graduation and I thought he didn't like me. I figured why the hell not and opened it up. He said hi so I replied with a simple, "Hey what's up?" He responded pretty quickly and he was frantic. He had been having a rough couple of months and he didn't know where else to turn to, but he had always considered me to be a good friend (Even though he thought I wasn't all that interested in being his friend. Yeah, I didn't get it either, but whatever, that isn't important). The point is he felt he could confide in me, but he didn't want to make me upset if I wasn't interested in talking. I explained to him that I would absolutely listen to what he had to say and offer any kind of advice I could, but that I was surprised because I didn't think he liked me very much. This all led to us figuring out that it had been a huge misunderstanding.
So he told me about what had been going on and I managed to actually help him out and calm him down. After we had that all sorted out, he started asking about me and my life and I figured I could open up a little bit, because someone who had bared their soul mere minutes beforehand wouldn't go blabbing. I mean, I had ammo for revenge if he did (not that I would ever use it that way, but he didn't know that). I told him about my life, my struggles with my sexuality, and finding acceptance and he, in turn, shared about his struggles with the same issues. As it turns out, we have a lot more in common than I ever would have expected.
We talked until 6:30 in the morning and it was one of the best conversations I have ever had. I felt so comfortable talking to him, which is something I have never felt when talking to a guy. I have always felt pressured to be someone I'm not, even online, but talking to him was so easy and natural. He didn't bring up any of the topics that most guys (in my experiences- I know there are lots of decent guys out there, I am not trying to stereotype here!) do. There wasn't any awkwardness and it felt so nice. Anyway, I had to end the conversation, because we both had to be up by 8:00 and had neglected going to bed for the sake of the conversation. I can function on a few hours of sleep, but an hour and a half is a bit steep, even for me. We agreed to talk again that night and then said our goodbyes.
I regret ever having ended that conversation. That night rolled around and I waited, and waited, and waited for him to respond to me and he never did. I figured he had just crashed after a long day with practically no sleep, and so I blew it off. After a week however, I couldn't help but wonder if he was avoiding me. Was it something I told him? Was I boring? Did he decide I wasn't worth the time? I felt all of these things, but I chose to be optimistic considering ideas such as: he just needed a break from social media, his internet went out, he was on vacation, he lost his phone/laptop, etc. That was all good and well, but then the two week mark hit, three weeks, four, and nothing. I gave up, I figured he obviously doesn't want to talk to me, so fuck it. This was the end of October.
And then about three weeks ago, I get a message from him that says, "I won't be on the internet (Facebook) for a while. The best way to contact me would be through email." That's it. No apology, no explanation, and most importantly no email address. So then I had to wait another week for him to respond to my message about needing his email address. Finally, he sends it and I write him an email telling him that more than anything else I was worried (he gave me more than one reason to be when we talked). I mean yeah, I was upset that he just disappeared, but I would get over it. He explained that things hadn't been the best at home and he hadn't been allowed to get on the internet and that he might go AWOL again, but that it happens sometimes and if we were going to be involved in anyway (aside from a relationship- obviously we would call each other in that scenario) I would have to expect it and not get mad if/when it happened. I wasn't about to argue 1) because it isn't my place to say that he can't do that, 2) I get it, I've been in that situation, and 3) I like him and I don't want to jeopardize anything by saying something that I have no right to.
We have been talking regularly, although it's email, so we never quite manage to catch each other online. I told him about the drama he missed while he was gone and he was so understanding and not at all judgmental about any of it (I'll post about it for you guys later). And he says cute things like "jimminy Christmas!" Most importantly, he understands me and I understand him. It makes me happy to see that I have a new email from him waiting in my inbox. I get butterflies when I read some of the things he says to me. For example, he once told me that he knew he liked me from the minute he laid eyes on me and his appreciation and affection toward me only grew as time went on and he got to know me better. Come on! If that isn't an "Awe!" moment, then I don't know what is. Or the time that he told me that he didn't want to talk about sex right now because he didn't want me to feel pressured to do anything I didn't want or wasn't ready for, plus a relationship isn't all about jumping into bed. It's about getting to know one another on a deeper, more meaningful level, the sex is just a bonus. (Seriously?!? Is that not the sweetest thing you have ever heard?)
The only problem is we are getting so much shit from our friends about one another. They keep telling us we shouldn't be together for one reason or another. The one that bothers me the most however is the whole, "He isn't that good looking, I don't understand why you like him." I like him because I am not a shallow asshole. Not everything is about looks. I can connect with him on an intellectual level and in my opinion, that is far more valuable than physical appearance. Would it be nice? Sure. The thing is though, he isn't ugly, but he isn't the most handsome man alive either; he's average, just like me, and I wouldn't want him any other way.
The point is, we are connecting and things are looking good. I can't imagine a date is too far off! I'll update you guys later on how things are going, but right now I am off to check my inbox for new messages.
If you thought this was way too cheesy, too bad, because like it or not, this is me.
I don't remember if I told you this or not, but even if I did, here's a little recap.
So we all know about "Alfredo" who's actual name is Alex. It is getting ridiculous writing that name over and over and hiding his name isn't really all that important anymore. Plus, I highly doubt he'll ever find this blog. Anyway, back to my story. So remember that Alex and I had that on again off again flirtationship thing going on? Well it's off again, except this time it's permanent. I am so beyond done putting up with his shit and I will not be a part of his cheating ways. So that happened and I honestly feel really good about it. That is a weight lifted off my shoulders.
Moving forward in my "romantic" life, I met a new guy. Technically, he isn't new, I met him last year in my business class. When we first met, he was kind of shy and didn't say much, but as the year went on he started to warm up to me and we began talking, although I always got the impression that he didn't really like me. As it turns out, he got the same vibe from me, which was all sort of a result of our mutual friend Kevin. However, that is a long and complicated story, and I'll probably explain it in a blog post of its own. He graduated last year and since then we hadn't really talked. And then one day, out of the blue, he messaged me. And that ladies and gentlemen is where our story begins...
It was probably 9:00 PM and I'm scrolling through Facebook when I see a message from him. I thought it was odd considering we hadn't talked much since his graduation and I thought he didn't like me. I figured why the hell not and opened it up. He said hi so I replied with a simple, "Hey what's up?" He responded pretty quickly and he was frantic. He had been having a rough couple of months and he didn't know where else to turn to, but he had always considered me to be a good friend (Even though he thought I wasn't all that interested in being his friend. Yeah, I didn't get it either, but whatever, that isn't important). The point is he felt he could confide in me, but he didn't want to make me upset if I wasn't interested in talking. I explained to him that I would absolutely listen to what he had to say and offer any kind of advice I could, but that I was surprised because I didn't think he liked me very much. This all led to us figuring out that it had been a huge misunderstanding.
So he told me about what had been going on and I managed to actually help him out and calm him down. After we had that all sorted out, he started asking about me and my life and I figured I could open up a little bit, because someone who had bared their soul mere minutes beforehand wouldn't go blabbing. I mean, I had ammo for revenge if he did (not that I would ever use it that way, but he didn't know that). I told him about my life, my struggles with my sexuality, and finding acceptance and he, in turn, shared about his struggles with the same issues. As it turns out, we have a lot more in common than I ever would have expected.
We talked until 6:30 in the morning and it was one of the best conversations I have ever had. I felt so comfortable talking to him, which is something I have never felt when talking to a guy. I have always felt pressured to be someone I'm not, even online, but talking to him was so easy and natural. He didn't bring up any of the topics that most guys (in my experiences- I know there are lots of decent guys out there, I am not trying to stereotype here!) do. There wasn't any awkwardness and it felt so nice. Anyway, I had to end the conversation, because we both had to be up by 8:00 and had neglected going to bed for the sake of the conversation. I can function on a few hours of sleep, but an hour and a half is a bit steep, even for me. We agreed to talk again that night and then said our goodbyes.
I regret ever having ended that conversation. That night rolled around and I waited, and waited, and waited for him to respond to me and he never did. I figured he had just crashed after a long day with practically no sleep, and so I blew it off. After a week however, I couldn't help but wonder if he was avoiding me. Was it something I told him? Was I boring? Did he decide I wasn't worth the time? I felt all of these things, but I chose to be optimistic considering ideas such as: he just needed a break from social media, his internet went out, he was on vacation, he lost his phone/laptop, etc. That was all good and well, but then the two week mark hit, three weeks, four, and nothing. I gave up, I figured he obviously doesn't want to talk to me, so fuck it. This was the end of October.
And then about three weeks ago, I get a message from him that says, "I won't be on the internet (Facebook) for a while. The best way to contact me would be through email." That's it. No apology, no explanation, and most importantly no email address. So then I had to wait another week for him to respond to my message about needing his email address. Finally, he sends it and I write him an email telling him that more than anything else I was worried (he gave me more than one reason to be when we talked). I mean yeah, I was upset that he just disappeared, but I would get over it. He explained that things hadn't been the best at home and he hadn't been allowed to get on the internet and that he might go AWOL again, but that it happens sometimes and if we were going to be involved in anyway (aside from a relationship- obviously we would call each other in that scenario) I would have to expect it and not get mad if/when it happened. I wasn't about to argue 1) because it isn't my place to say that he can't do that, 2) I get it, I've been in that situation, and 3) I like him and I don't want to jeopardize anything by saying something that I have no right to.
We have been talking regularly, although it's email, so we never quite manage to catch each other online. I told him about the drama he missed while he was gone and he was so understanding and not at all judgmental about any of it (I'll post about it for you guys later). And he says cute things like "jimminy Christmas!" Most importantly, he understands me and I understand him. It makes me happy to see that I have a new email from him waiting in my inbox. I get butterflies when I read some of the things he says to me. For example, he once told me that he knew he liked me from the minute he laid eyes on me and his appreciation and affection toward me only grew as time went on and he got to know me better. Come on! If that isn't an "Awe!" moment, then I don't know what is. Or the time that he told me that he didn't want to talk about sex right now because he didn't want me to feel pressured to do anything I didn't want or wasn't ready for, plus a relationship isn't all about jumping into bed. It's about getting to know one another on a deeper, more meaningful level, the sex is just a bonus. (Seriously?!? Is that not the sweetest thing you have ever heard?)
The only problem is we are getting so much shit from our friends about one another. They keep telling us we shouldn't be together for one reason or another. The one that bothers me the most however is the whole, "He isn't that good looking, I don't understand why you like him." I like him because I am not a shallow asshole. Not everything is about looks. I can connect with him on an intellectual level and in my opinion, that is far more valuable than physical appearance. Would it be nice? Sure. The thing is though, he isn't ugly, but he isn't the most handsome man alive either; he's average, just like me, and I wouldn't want him any other way.
The point is, we are connecting and things are looking good. I can't imagine a date is too far off! I'll update you guys later on how things are going, but right now I am off to check my inbox for new messages.
If you thought this was way too cheesy, too bad, because like it or not, this is me.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Catching Up
Well it has certainly been a while, hasn't it?
If you're looking for an update, sit back and buckle up because its gonna be a long ride. My life has been rather hectic and crazy and filled with far more drama than I care to admit. (A lot of which wasn't necessarily mine!!)
I you aren't looking for an update then I suggest you click away now...
Okay, now that we have gotten rid of all the negativity and it is just you and me, let's get down to business.
Since we last spoke (or since I've posted and you've so graciously read) I have...
- Broken my left wrist (totaling 4 injuries to that wrist)
- Almost gotten into four accidents (all of which would have been caused by asshole/idiot drivers who should not be legally allowed to possess a license!)
- Attended only four days of school out of a possible 39 (my absences were/are medical related, so stop judging me)
- Been in the car when my mom accidentally ran over a cat. ( :( )
- Gone to the hospital for relatives at least six times in under two weeks (!)
- Read Looking for Alaska, Paper Towns, and The Fault in our Stars all by John Green ( all amazing and I would highly recommend them to anybody! Plus keep an eye out as I will be posting book reviews for all three of those books as well as some of my other favorites. More details below.)
- Written so many essays (2 of which I am particularly proud of and may post on here. More details below)
- Eaten/ made loads of sushi (yum!)
- Gone broke (damn sushi...and other items...)
- Bought an insanely cute jacket from Me Jane (thanks Ross!)
- Entered into and then exited right back out of yet another relationship (if you want to hear more about that check out my next post called "Friends with Problems." Coming soon!)
- Had some very...candid conversations with my best friend (it is safe to say she officially knows too much so we have to stay best friends for the rest of eternity)
- Come out on Instagram as bi (no, I did not post a picture of me making out with a girl)
- Rediscovered my love for acting, blogging , and hot cheetos (seriously though, hot cheetos are the best snack food)
I think that's it or at least that's all I remember/ want to share with you, at least for the moment. So now we shall delve into the " More details below" portion of the blog.
- I love to read and I love to share about what I'm reading. So I have decided that I am going to try to review 1 book a month. This will give me time to read a couple and decide which one I want to give you the scoop on. I will post baby reviews of all of the books I have read, but the main one I decide to review will be more professional and more of a discussion type review. Make sense? I hope so. Anyway to get started I am going to post a bunch of baby reviews of the books on my bookshelf and then 3 full length review of the John Green books I mentioned above. I have not started these yet, so it'll be a while before they are up. So be watching out for those.
- As I said I have written a lot of essays and there are some that I am particularly proud of. I am considering posting those onto this blog just to share, but I'm not sure just yet so I'd like to get your opinions.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)