I Screwed Up

I have a friend who has lately been extremely sad about some guy who is making her feel betrayed and worthless. I, along with a multitude of other people, have told her that he is just playing her and that she should move on. Needless to say, this never works and she continues to sulk about it until he decides he wants to mess with her mind again and the cycle starts over.

How does this connect to me screwing up? Well, her constant ranting got me thinking about who all I've been played by and I found that I haven't really been played, but that I've been the player. It sounds weird to say because players are generally viewed as guys who sleep around and use girls for their personal gain, however I seem to be simply playing the guys emotions (despite my coming out, I still have not dated a girl). This emotional abuse is in NO way intentional! I have trust and commitment issues due to some incidents that have occurred to me in the past and I cannot seem to push them aside. It seems as if every time I begin to really connect with someone, I get scared that I will be forced to relive my past with this new person. 

For example, this is actually happening again with a guy I have liked for and had a "flirtationship" with for the last five years. Let's call him... Carter. Carter is so incredibly sweet and has helped me through so many things that I am not sure what I would do without him in my life. The problem is I can't bring myself to open up and be completely vulnerable with him because I am afraid that he will simply abuse it. And that is something I can never take back. We keep getting so close to being in a relationship, and I keep pulling away and friend-zoning him, for lack of a better word. I think part of it is that we want different things out of our relationships at this point in our lives, and we aren't exactly sure how to make a viable compromise. However, I'm not sure compromise is an option anymore.

A few days ago he asked me to text him and I eagerly agreed, wanting nothing more than to talk to Carter for who knows how many uninterrupted hours. When I got around to actually having time to text him I wasn't feeling good and my phone was dead, making me lose all interest in doing anything more than jumping straight into my bed. I sent him a quick text the next morning explaining what had happened and when I logged into my Facebook earlier today I was immediately greeted with a message I could only interpret as being aimed towards me. The picture was a rain cloud with a rainbow that said, "You know what? I don't really care." And his caption read, "This is basically how I feel right now." So I sent him a rather "obsessive" message saying, "So I'm guessing you hate me now, right?" It wasn't the best idea I've ever had, but I thought it might break the tension that was so obviously there and give him an opportunity to vent his true feelings. I was wrong. He still hasn't responded to my message and he has had numerous opportunities to do so. I can't help wondering if this is an act of revenge, pain, or simply that he has lost interest. 

So, I basically fucked up everything good I thought I had with Carter, I still don't feel good, and I can't find a solution to either of these problems. Ugh! I realize that this may sound pretty needy and pathetic (especially for the third post in this new blog), but I just don't care because, like it or not, this is me. 

P.S.
If anyone is reading this and cares to share their own story, ask for advice about their problems, or wants to offer up some solutions to my problems, feel free to comment them below or PM me (can you even do private messages on Blogger??)