Friends with Problems

Yes, I did just use that title. What are you gonna do about it? Anyway, moving on. This is the long awaited (a whole week haha) post about my "relationship." So without further ado, here's my story. 


*All names in this post have been changed in order to protect the identities of others

It all started five years ago (cue cheesy intro) when the new kid Alfredo came to school. I, for God knows what reason, was attracted to this kid and did my best to catch his attention. I flirted which must have been entertaining because my flirting with him consisted of asking him the same stupid question over and over again. What was the question? Obviously something sophisticated and classy with a hint of underlying humor that I knew he'd pick up on seeing as he was so intelligent (.-.). "Do you smell bacon?" to which he'd reply "With or without wings?" Yep, I was quite the catch.

Moving away from that cringe-worthy moment in my life, eventually I worked up enough courage to start asking for hugs which became a routine, even when neither of us really wanted it. Then I figured that taking an interest in him and his future would surely help. It did for a while, but I think after a week straight of, "So you want to be a chef, huh?" I'd beat that horse to death and then started shooting it and when I'd run out of bullets I jumped up and down on it while beating it with my gun. So once again I moved on and tried something new, meanwhile Alfredo was making absolutely no move towards me. Should I have taken the hint and stopped then? Probably. Would I do that? No, not me and my infinite wisdom. So basically, this would go on for a while before we were split up for a year during which time he'd acquired a girlfriend. I would seldom talk to him until that summer where we made plans to meet up at the local pool. When I got there he started getting all touchy-feely and I wasn't exactly sure as what was happening. I asked him about his girlfriend and he told me that they had broken up because of cheating so I just dropped it all together figuring it was a sore subject. He took me to some picnic tables and started rubbing my shoulders and when I finally relaxed unto it he tipped my head back and kissed me. Needless to say I was a happy camper and could have gone the rest of the day being happy from  that one kiss but it happened the same way two more times. (Added bonus, his best friend who was hardcore crushing on me was watching the whole thing and got super jealous, but he was/is an asshole and that made everything 100x better.)  

After that day we never hung out again outside of school, which wasn't bad, but it would've been nice. Anyway, that was the year that I made one of my best friends, Jane. We bonded over our irrational fear of testing on Romeo & Juliet.

I couldn't resist.

After getting to know her quite well, I brought up Alfredo, I wanted to know if she knew him and if so what she thought of him. Turns out she knew him quite well, they had been friends for a few years and they had even dated but had broken up over the summer due to cheating. After a bit of questioning, I found out that when he had kissed me over summer he was lying to me because he and Jane had not broken up yet, and I was the girl he was cheating with. Needless to say I felt terrible and fessed up to her right away, which brought us closer. She appreciated my honesty and was not mad at all because things were honestly "going downhill fast." But apparently, I was fixated because, even though I knew he was a liar and a cheater, I still wanted to be with him! What is wrong with me? I guess I thought that I would be different somehow. So we flirted back and forth a bit (like adults) and eventually his primal instincts kicked in and it was all about...well you know. So we spoke about it, but nothing ever happened in terms of acting on it. Our relationship ever since then has been this weird sort of flirtationship. We would go through dry spells where we didn't speak at all, but as soon as we did again it was like nothing had changed, it seemed normal and easy.

He got into another relationship with a girl named Katie and he talked to me about her, even asked for advice which I happily gave him. I was done playing second string, it was time to move onto a new sport. So I did and I dated a great guy, Elliot, who was so sweet and so kind. We dated for about two months, all of which Alfredo made it abundantly clear that he was jealous, but he had a girlfriend, so what did I care? After two months I allowed my friends to convince me that I was making a mistake being with Elliot and so we broke up, which I still tremendously regret, and about a week later Alfredo texted me and asked to hang out. I wasn't ready to go out yet, so I declined, but he was persistent and so while I didn't go out with him, we texted almost non-stop. He told me he knew what I was going through or at least he would because he and Katie were breaking up. I tried to comfort him, but they broke up for reasons... not of the heart. He wanted me. He promised me that it would be a first for him as well and it would be special, but I couldn't just do something like that, especially not with someone like him. So began another dry spell.

We just recently broke this one about a week ago. I once again found out that he had been lying, he and Katie broke up over cheating, and that once again I was the one he was cheating with. Which makes me feel terrible. I mean I didn't know otherwise I would've stopped it, but I still feel like shit. Anyway, he brought up the whole FWB thing again, and quite honestly I considered it. I thought that I might go through with it and see where it led and then I had a revelation, which should have been obvious from the start. Here it is. I know I don't need a guy or anyone for that matter to make me feel good, or important, or loved. I have family and friends and myself for that. I want to be respected and loved if I am going to make that sort of commitment with someone, I don't want it to just be some casual thing. So I decided I was done. I am just going to chill out and have fun. I can come back to the dating scene whenever I so damn please. And hey, maybe this is as good an opportunity as any to step into the other side of the bisexual world and experiment with girls. Life's about learning and I've learned a lot, but I've still got a hell of a road ahead of me. So I have not spoken to Alfredo for over 2 weeks now and my absolute best friend in the world, Hailey, is helping me through every stage of getting over him and my apparent desire to want to be with someone for no other reason than to not be alone.

I know it sounds pathetic and that's because it is. There's no getting around it, but like it or not this is me, and I'm not changing for anyone.