What The Hell is Going On?

I know it's something that happens to everybody at some point or another, but I'm going to talk about it anyway.

It sucks when you get taken advantage of. It sucks even more when your friend takes advantage of your kindness. It especially super sucks when your best friend does it.

I don't know, I guess it's not so much that the person is taking advantage of what I have offered to them through our friendship, it's the fact that they don't return the favor.

For example, my best friend is currently having some relationship problems and I'm having personal problems of my own, but I wanted to focus on her and let her know that no matter what happened, she'd always have someone to fall back on. Obviously, that wasn't the problem, I mean I made that decision. The problem was that when (days later) she asked me how I was and I told her I could really use a friend because I was having a hard time, she completely ignored me and made the conversation entirely about her.

Don't get me wrong, I understand that relationship problems can be incredibly stressful and hurtful, but is that a legitimate excuse to focus entirely on yourself (when talking to someone else)? I just can't say one way or another because, usually, she does try to help. It's normally a very generic piece of advice, but advice nonetheless. Am I even making sense?

Maybe I'm just overreacting, but I can't stop myself from feeling hurt. As best friends we agreed to always be there for one another and I feel like I've been the only one contributing any sort of support.

This brings me to my next point: we have never and I mean never fought with one another in the five years we have been friends. I'm not stupid, I know one is coming and unfortunately I think it's coming pretty quickly here. The thing I'm worried about is that every little thing that has happened between us throughout the years (that could have been petty fights and weren't) will have built up and it'll make for one massive blowout of a fight. That in and of itself wouldn't be so bad, but I'm not sure how that would play out in the whole forgiveness department... Fuck.

Another problem I'm having about this whole situation is that she's so upset and in so much pain because her relationship is breaking apart and all she wants is for things to go back to normal, but I can't say I agree. I mean, of course, I want her to be happy, but I want to be the one making her happy. I've alluded to this a couple of times and every time she has considered it, gone with it, and then very abruptly ended it. Although, this is an entirely different and incredibly long blog post of it's own, so I shall end here. Until next time...

Sorry for ranting. Actually, I'm not, because like it or not, this is me.

I Don't Wanna Be In Love...With You.

Well, fuck. My life should be turned into a soap opera; it's so dramatic.

So the other day I was talking to my best friend and she was telling me about the problems she and her boyfriend were having. I felt bad that her relationship was breaking, but I found myself feeling oddly giddy at the idea that she might be on the market soon.

I immediately shook the thought from my mind. What was I thinking? I loved them both and wanted them to work things out, but there was this little nagging at the back of my mind that kept whispering, "No you don't."

Eventually, I gave up on trying to push the thoughts away figuring working through it was the best option here. I was wrong. Thinking about it only made me realize just how jealous I was of her boyfriend. I know what you're thinking; you're jealous of her boyfriend? And the answer is yes. I am jealous of him because he gets to hold her, kiss her, hug her, cuddle her, touch her... All of the things I can't do because she's my best friend and she has no idea that I feel this way about her.

I want to tell her, but I can't because if she doesn't feel the same way, I will have forever fucked up the only friendship I have ever had that was worth a damn. I can't lose her like that. I can't lose her at all; it would hurt too much. So for the sake of our friendship and my own selfishness, I will keep this to myself.

I will feel the constant ache of my heart knowing that I have fallen madly in love with her and she will never know.

If this offended you in any way, suck it up! Like it or not this is me and I will not change who I am or what I feel so that you can feel "comfortable."

So. Done.

I've been struggling lately to keep my emotions in check. I can't explain why I'm so out of whack, because I honestly don't know. What I do know, however, is that people fucking with them isn't helping. I constantly fear that I am just going to break down and that is a lot of added stress. I have had this constant stinging in my eyes, and I want to just cry and be done with it, but no. Life isn't that simple.

My friends are ignoring me and when they do decide to talk to me, they use me. It isn't fair, I've been nothing but good to these people and this is what I get in return. I want to ask for help, but I know it'll be seen as a cry for attention. I'll only be "faking it," but if they saw the scars I am so careful to hide, they'd think otherwise. If they knew what I thought, they'd be in tears. I am reminded on a daily basis of all the people who genuinely hate me. What they don't know is, no matter how much they hate me, no one can hate me more than I hate myself.

I have absolutely no control over my life. Almost everything gets decided for me and I'm almost an adult. I lost the one thing that I had through all of this because I was too sick to attend. I literally stay up all night long and sleep for about four hours during the day. I sit and do nothing, everyday, every week, every month, and at this point I've reached every year. I can't stand it anymore! I'm going insane with all this idle time.

Not to mention the fact that without something to occupy me, I have this constant fear that something terrible is about to happen.

So, I guess it's true what they say; It's every man for himself. Fuck this shit, I need a change and soon.

( If you're a regular reader, I'm letting you know now that I'm going to disappear for a while. I'll be back, but I need to get my head straight first.)

Stress

I think my head may explode if things don't get back to normal soon. I am buried in work and I'm getting sick. Oh and to top all of that off, I am not allowed to take my allergy medication due to an upcoming appointment for allergy testing and I am about ready to scratch my face off!

Nothing is helping to relieve the stress because, even when I'm distracted, I have a little nagging feeling that there are things to be done. The only thing that helps to relieve it at all is...well let's just say that I am accumulating more and more scars.

I want to just sit and write all day and get everything out of my system, but it takes up too much time. Honestly, I shouldn't even be writing this post right now, but if I don't I may go slightly insane. I keep thinking about being a kid again where the only worries I had were cleaning my room and choosing what color I should draw my flowers.

I know I shouldn't be complaining because so many people have it so much worse than I do, but it doesn't change the fact that I feel so utterly overwhelmed. I know I should be concerned with others and stop being so selfish, but right now I need to take care of myself. I think that is a perfectly reasonable thing to do. And if you have a problem with that then too fucking bad. No matter how much I may want to, the fact of life is that you can't please everybody.

To be honest, it's a good thing because if everyone absolutely loved you, you would feel even more pressure to be 'perfect' and perfection is unattainable. Nobody is perfect, no one ever had been and no one ever will be. Imperfection makes us unique and being unique is even better.

I ramble far too often. Oh well, this is my blog and I can do whatever the hell I damn please! ;) Back to stress. I know it's basically impossible to just chill out and relax when your life feels incredibly hectic and busy, but here's what I do to deal with it (in no particular order after bullets 1 & 2)

• Take a step back (Not literally, but if that's what you want to do, then by all means.)
• Breathe (This is a really great step because breathing is important for living. You know, in case you forgot.)
•  Motivate yourself (Make a list of all the things you want to do just for fun, then designate an amount of time needed to do one of those things. For example: Watching a YouTube video 1-5 minutes long requires having done an hour's worth of work. Get it?)
• Take a shower (I do some of my best thinking in the shower. Why? No clue, but it works. Hot or cold, doesn't matter. Whatever suits your fancy. Plus you come out clean and smelling fresh, woo!)
• Turn on some music (Music calms me down and I find myself becoming distracted from the stress while still maintaining the ability to get the work done. Does that even make sense?) 
• Take breaks (Remove yourself from whatever work you're doing and unwind a bit before the stress of the work becomes overwhelming again.)
• Enlist help (If you can collaborate on the work, do it! Having another person around generally makes the task at hand easier, more fun, and less stressful. If you're doing homework or studying get a study buddy/group, just make sure you actually do work.)

If these steps don't help, there are always other options such as talking to someone, exercising, squeezing one of those stress ball things, etc. Keep working and keep calm, it has to get better eventually, right?