Linguine...Alfredo...Pasta? Alex.

So I think we abandoned the whole disguise thing and if not, we are now. (Because Alfredo was just oh so clever wasn't it?)

I'm gonna just throw it all out there and catch you up on the latest and greatest with this... interesting boy I had the immense "pleasure" of getting caught up with. So a brief recap from the top:

-Met in 7th grade (This wasn't too bad.)

-Became friends (Yay! A friend! Have I explained my whole "I- was- a friendless- child" thing yet?)

-Immediately developed massive, totally unnecessary crush on him (And here's where the problems began.)

-Embarrassed myself a lot in front of him (I did this in front of everyone, but it was especially embarrassing in front of him)

-Made a huge deal out of hugging him everyday (All I have to say is *CRINGE*)

-Sneaked around with him a lot during summer (Okay, it was only like twice, but my life isn't all that exciting, so let me have this.)

-Kissed him three times, Spider Man style (That was not my idea, but I must admit, it was fun.)

-Stopped hanging out (And here's where my problems could have ended, but noooooo)

-Found out he cheated on his girlfriends with me (I was called a home-wrecker. Multiple times.)

-Assumed he was using me (I was right!!)

-Conveniently "forgot" he was using me (I swear, I saw the pattern and ignored it.)

-Sexted him (YES RAEGRETS! And if you don't get that reference, I'm slightly disappointed in you.)

-Helped him cheat on yet another girlfriend (UNKNOWINGLY! Before you go and start judging me.)

-Stopped talking (Another opportunity to end all of this, but did I? I think you know the answer to that.)

-Started talking to him again once he was single (And this is where it gets good for all you readers out there.)

And now we are back to the most current happenings in the Adventures of Ridiculousness. (I know that that's a stupid name for all this, but honestly, I don't know what to call this other than a mistake.) Scratch that, let's just call it The Mistake. Yes, that's oh so much more accurate.

So as I said, we started talking again. He was all heartbroken over breaking up with his girlfriend, as to be expected, but he actually told me, and I quote "I feel like my heart was put into a blender. It's like, eh." (Eh. He emotes so well! Did you hear the sarcasm dripping from that statement? God, I hope so.) I decided to take on the role of best friend and get him through his break up as unscathed as possible and I was doing a damn good job, even with his ridiculous one word replies and refusal to open up emotionally. (Another clue that I should have given up then and there? Probably, but I refused to see it!)

Eventually, we sorta stopped talking, at least on a daily basis. He was basically over his ex and he was moving on. That was the goal, right? But that wasn't good enough for me. I was responsible for his good mood and I wanted to enjoy it. I wanted to be with him. It was high time I got a chance after all the other girls I had to watch him be with. I told him that I wanted to be with him, that I liked him, and that I wanted to see where things went and he agreed! (Finally, something went my way!) We were talking all the time, and things were going great. He opened up to me about things that he hadn't told anyone else, made me feel special, and I was positive we would start dating. And lucky me, his birthday was coming up so I planned this whole big thing and I was going to push things over the edge. Make it all final. I bought him a card, made him a cake, and invited him to go to the movies with me on the night of his birthday. All very spontaneous, at least on his end it was.

He picked me up and we left for the midnight premiere of How To Train Your Dragon 2, which was cute. (What I saw of it anyway *super exaggerated wink* ) And then things went a bit downhill...

We had been making out and fooling around in the theater and when the movie got out we could hardly wait to get out to the car. He had me pushed up against the car and was touching me in ways I had never been touched before. I was nervous, but excited and vulnerable as hell. We moved our little party to the backseat of his car and things got pretty hot and heavy. (I won't go into details, mainly because it was personal and the Internet is soooo not.) Anyway, he got a little carried away and tried to go further than I was willing to go. I told him to stop and that I wasn't ready. Practically screamed no and nothing. He wasn't stopping. Eventually, he did, before anything actually happened. (If you were wondering, no, he did NOT rape me, but I was freaked.)

After that night I didn't talk to him for like three weeks and all he did was text me. (Oh how the tides had turned.  A little too late, unfortunately.) When I did talk to him again I told him how I felt that night and that it freaked me out and he was totally understanding. I thought the fact that he was sorry was going to be enough to make it all better and that things would go back to normal, but of course, it wasn't. (Thank you Hannah for beating some sense into me about that.) Anyway, the silence went on after that conversation until about two weeks ago when he randomly texted me. He told me he wasn't ready for a relationship right now, but that he wanted me to sneak out and meet him so that we could fool around because he was "frustrated." I told him and I quote "Nope. I don't feel like sneaking out. Plus, things are different now." He asked me why and I said, "Because if you don't want a relationship, there's no point, is there?" To which he decided to yell at me about how he was upset and his friends weren't talking to him and that I had picked the worst time to do this. AS IF I DID IT INTENTIONALLY, LIKE I WAS THE ONE WHO STARTED IT! (Seriously, I wanted to deck him right in the mouth. How dare he try to blame his problems on me!) That turned into a 20 minute fight and ended in us not talking for another week before I decided to be the bigger person and apologize.

We talked it out and he explained to me why he didn't want a relationship (Notice how it changed from "not ready for a new relationship..." Bullshit!)(Pardon my French, but my God, he could've just said no. I'm a big girl, I can handle it.) Turns out there's another girl. (For those of you guessing at home, who saw that coming?) I wish I could say I was totally blindsided, but I'm not an idiot, I knew it was coming. Her name is Bekah, (Is it just me or is that a kind of tacky way to spell it?) and she's the one that got away. The girl he's been hung up on since freshman year. The girl he's truly in love with, the girl he will never have because, not only is she moving out of state, but she rejected him. (Thank you, Karma!) He told me he liked me a lot, and that he still does, but doesn't want to risk our friendship and how I'm always there for him. And because I'm just such a good person I said I felt the same way and essentially agreed to be forever friendzoned. Which honestly, I'm not all that upset about.  (Now anyway. I was kind of broken up about it for a few days. But after seeing how much better I could do, I got over it)(Seriously, there are some hot guys who are into me. Which being totally honest, I'm shocked about. HAHA)

So there you have it. Our story ends in friendship. And this really is the end folks, no more second or third (does anyone have a chance total running yet? I lost count.) chance. We are officially done with anything even remotely romantic or friends with benefits-y. Man, does that feel good to say.

Don't judge me. You're not perfect either. Besides, I realized this was all a bad idea eventually, and that's all that matters, right?

Unrequited Love

Two words that, in my opinion, should not reside in the same sentence. I just hate the idea that love, of any kind, can go unrecognized let alone reciprocated. I mean, if someone is brave enough to show you their true feelings the least you can do is acknowledge it and return it as best you can.

I assume you're curious about what brought this on. Why I suddenly feel the need to express an opinion on the topic. Normally, I would say "because, like it or not, this is me," and that still applies, but I think posting an explanation and venting a little might help me a bit.

In short, expect another post in the near future.

Spoiler alert: Alex is back.

Wish it didn't...

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreaming of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray

Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I prayed I could break away...
-Breakaway, Kelly Clark son

This song used to just be catchy, but as I grew up, I understood what she was saying and more importantly how she felt.

She feels sad, trapped, and ignored. She wants to get away from it all and make her own way. One where she ends up happy.

And in this very moment, it describes my emotions perfectly.

I only wish that it didn't...

Blood Doesn't Always Mean Family

It seems that in this cold, cruel world you can't truly rely on anyone. Your family is supposed to be there for you, support you throughout the highs and lows. They are supposed to understand and sympathize and love you unconditionally. Right?

Wrong. My eyes have been opened to the harsh reality that unless there is some sort of personal gain not everyone will stick around, family or not. It doesn't matter how good you've treated them or how generous you've been. So what brought about this realization? Well that's quite a long story, so get ready and hold on tight.

So over the last few months there has been some drama involving my cousins and uncle which is another long story. All you need to know is my cousin Roy* moved out and is now living with one of his friends. Anyway, moving forward with the story, he message me on Facebook last night. He asked me if he spoke to my Uncle recently, but seeing as he made not effort to contact me in the moths following his move, I felt no need to dignify his message with a response. He apparently didn't enjoy that and decided that cruelty would be more effective so his opening line was and I quote, "Hey fatass (yes, he couldn't even be bothered to space it out) what's up?" To which I much too kindly replied, "Excuse me? If that's how you're going to talk to me then you can fuck off, you piece of shit."

Now, I realize that he was just being a douche bag but, his words still hurt. First of all, he's family and family isn't supposed to criticize you. Secondly, I have struggled with my weight and therefore my self-esteem for a long time due to the medications I am taking, so to see someone who supposedly cared for me, mention it was hard. And thirdly, and possibly the hardest, was that the insult was read in my voice, not his. It seemed like I was insulting myself, rather than listening to someone else do it.

That aside, he was incredibly rude to me which was wrong. He then proceeded to call my brother and dad pussies because they had done the same thing I had and ignored his messages about my uncle. So why was he suddenly attacking me? I assume it's because he thought I wouldn't respond, because he saw me as weak, but that's not who I am. I stand up not only for myself, but for my family and so I sent him and incredibly long message that, when summed up, basically said fuck you and leave me alone because you're being a dick and I don't like you anymore. He responded with death threats as well as disowning us and telling me that he never really loved any of us.

I find this ironic because when his life was in shambles my family were the ones to pick up the pieces and help him. We offered them financial support even when we couldn't afford to do so, we fed and clothed them when they couldn't afford to, etc. We helped them so much and this is how we are re-payed? What kind of bullshit is that? How dare he even say that to me.

Anyway, I decided I couldn't be the only one seeing the messages and so I showed my dad and we spent about two hours going back and forth with him, exchanging... colorful messages and in the end he said something completely irrelevant that I refused to respond to. During those two hours however he called me a cunt, a bitch, a pussy, stupid, weak/underused (no, I'm  not kidding, he actually said that.) minded, fat, etc.

I know I shouldn't let these things bother me as he was just saying them to get a rise out of me, but they did/do. They brought back all sorts of repressed memories that I worked incredibly hard to bury. I know that I'm going to have some sort of breakdown over it in the minutes/hours/days/months to come. I don't know really, but that's not the point of this post.

The point is that Roy* is supposed to be my family. A part of my support group and he turned his back on me and my family without batting an eye. Even went so far as to insult, disown, and admit that he never really loved us. So maybe, this is a sign that I would be better off not trusting anyone, not relying on anyone. That I need to be my own rock, my own support group, my own family...

I know not everyone will do this or act like this. I know that my immediate family would never do anything that despicable and I have my best friend who truly does love me despite my flaws and shortcomings. However, I think this was the wake up call I needed to remind me that I should never put my whole self or heart on the line because you never know who might take advantage and abuse it. The most unlikely people are the ones you should be the most wary of.

I hope that when this whole incident turns around and bites him in the ass he will finally learn the true meaning of the phrase, blood runs thicker than water.

*Name changed. While I chose to put my drama on the internet, I also chose not to use real names. Honestly, can you blame me? Even if you can, like it or not, this is me.

The World Won't Wait

Life is hard.

It knocks you down and it stomps on you until you can barely recognize the person staring back at you in the mirror. It threatens to take everything you have and most of the time it feels as if you'll never overcome it. It's incredibly difficult to recover from those moments. The important thing, the most crucial in fact, is that no matter how hard your life gets, you pick yourself back up and you keep moving because the world certainly isn't going to wait for us.

My nights have been filled with dark thoughts and more tears than I thought I was even capable of producing. I scared myself and for the first time, I sought help. However, I was met with blatant disregard and selfishness. I allowed myself to be plagued by the vicious thoughts and, eventually, I fell victim to it. I let myself believe that self-harm was the only form of control I had. I also found myself letting people back into my life that I was better off without. I was opening the door to destruction because I think I had forgotten somewhere along the line that I am fully capable of healing and moving forward.

I can't explain my actions. Partly because I don't understand them myself, but also because I don't want to. I made mistakes and I stumbled a bit, but everyone does. I can't let myself feel shame for something that doesn't warrant it by "admitting." It happened and now it's time to move forward.

I have to take this experience and use it. I can't simply forget it. What good would that do me? No, I have to use this as a building block. I have to grow from this, become stronger for having gone through it, rather than feel helpless for having a moment of weakness.

The road ahead is long and no doubt has its fair share of bumps, but I'm ready. I look forward to facing the challenge. And I'd just like to say that, no matter what you're going through, you are not alone. Even if you can't see it, there are people who love and care about you, who want to help, so please allow them to opportunity to do so.

Keep fighting.

Valentine's Day

The one night a year where couples take it upon themselves to be incredibly ooey gooey, mushy, and in love in public. Where hearts run rampant and chocolate and teddy bears fly off the shelves. Love is in the air and here I am...Single. Again.

This is where all of the optimists say. "Just love yourself instead." 

Well that would be just dandy except I hate myself, so that's a bust.
  
"Well, then be bold and tell that special someone how you feel about them."

I'd love to. Here's the problem: that special someone is already in a relationship. I can't just go telling them how I feel and then rip apart their happiness. I mean, I can, but I won't.

"So what are you going to do?"

I'm going to make and eat an entire pan of brownies all by myself while watching Netflix and scrolling through Tumblr starting... NOW!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Exaggerate Much?

Sometimes, I just suck.

Normally, I am a pretty easy going person who could give less of a fuck, but every once in a while I have a moment where I just explode. 

For example, I just got out of the hospital a few hours ago and my mom (being the good and concerned parent she is) wanted to check my blood pressure (part of the reason I was hospitalized). However, I was in one of those moods and flipped a total bitch when she asked which was completely wrong and uncalled for, especially considering all that she has done and given up for me over the years. 

So now she is sitting in her room upset with me and I am sitting in my room being a bitch and stewing over the fact that she asked me in the first place... EVEN THOUGH I KNOW I'M THE ONE IN THE WRONG! I would rather sit here and write a blog post about my ridiculousness than swallow my pride and apologize. I mean, what the fuck is wrong with me?

To the point- sit down, shut up, and respect those around you. Don't make it a big deal by perpetuating the situation and just let the little things be little. Not everything has to be life or death.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to take my own advice, be a big girl, and apologize to my mommy. 

P.S. (Does PS work for a blog post?):  Mom, if you somehow managed to find this blog, I'm sorry. I love you and I was wrong to have treated you that way. You were just trying to take care of me the best way you knew how. I know an apology on the internet doesn't make up for everything, but I wanted to make a public declaration of my appreciation for you and posting it on the internet was the next best thing to yelling it out my window. So thanks mom, you're pretty damn great.

One last thing- don't you go judging me for thanking/apologizing to my mom on my blog or for calling her mommy. I can do whatever the fuck I damn well please. You wanna know why? Because, like it or not, this is me.

More Changes & A Bit of Perspective

Life is about change and I get that, but sometimes it's just kind of weird.

For example, my grandparents are moving and I'm feeling a lot more emotional about it than I ever anticipated. This isn't the weird part. It's normal to feel upset when you have to walk away from something you have known for the vast majority of your life. The weird part is that I am feeling all of these emotions and the change isn't even directly affecting me. I was discussing this with my mom and she drew attention to the fact that although this move is of their choosing they have to be feeling the same things except tenfold.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that yes, change is a part of life, but depending on your perspective it can be incredibly good, incredibly bad, or somewhere in the middle. And no matter what our perspective may be, we should be sensitive to those around us because we truly have no idea what they may be going through.

What The Hell is Going On?

I know it's something that happens to everybody at some point or another, but I'm going to talk about it anyway.

It sucks when you get taken advantage of. It sucks even more when your friend takes advantage of your kindness. It especially super sucks when your best friend does it.

I don't know, I guess it's not so much that the person is taking advantage of what I have offered to them through our friendship, it's the fact that they don't return the favor.

For example, my best friend is currently having some relationship problems and I'm having personal problems of my own, but I wanted to focus on her and let her know that no matter what happened, she'd always have someone to fall back on. Obviously, that wasn't the problem, I mean I made that decision. The problem was that when (days later) she asked me how I was and I told her I could really use a friend because I was having a hard time, she completely ignored me and made the conversation entirely about her.

Don't get me wrong, I understand that relationship problems can be incredibly stressful and hurtful, but is that a legitimate excuse to focus entirely on yourself (when talking to someone else)? I just can't say one way or another because, usually, she does try to help. It's normally a very generic piece of advice, but advice nonetheless. Am I even making sense?

Maybe I'm just overreacting, but I can't stop myself from feeling hurt. As best friends we agreed to always be there for one another and I feel like I've been the only one contributing any sort of support.

This brings me to my next point: we have never and I mean never fought with one another in the five years we have been friends. I'm not stupid, I know one is coming and unfortunately I think it's coming pretty quickly here. The thing I'm worried about is that every little thing that has happened between us throughout the years (that could have been petty fights and weren't) will have built up and it'll make for one massive blowout of a fight. That in and of itself wouldn't be so bad, but I'm not sure how that would play out in the whole forgiveness department... Fuck.

Another problem I'm having about this whole situation is that she's so upset and in so much pain because her relationship is breaking apart and all she wants is for things to go back to normal, but I can't say I agree. I mean, of course, I want her to be happy, but I want to be the one making her happy. I've alluded to this a couple of times and every time she has considered it, gone with it, and then very abruptly ended it. Although, this is an entirely different and incredibly long blog post of it's own, so I shall end here. Until next time...

Sorry for ranting. Actually, I'm not, because like it or not, this is me.

You Aren't Allowed

I posted this on my other blog, but I figured it could go here too. So without further ado, here is You Aren't Allowed- an original poem.

You aren't allowed to walk away. 

You can't just leave me and give up. 

It isn't fair, I am doing my damn best to make things work 

And you turned your back on me and told me you were done with me.

You gave up on me over something so stupid and trivial...

 I'm scared of how you'll treat me when you finally know my biggest secrets.

 I don't want to live in fear of accidentally saying something that you won't approve of.

You said that you were just done with both of your kids right now,

But the only part we heard- the only part that matters-

Is that you're done with us.

 I don't doubt you love us, but you don't always show it,

Or at least have a funny way of showing it.

My brother walked away.

Dad didn't intervene.

You walked away.

And here I am.

Surrounded and yet alone, with only one way to escape.

I go to my room, lock the door, and pick up my blade.

I drag the blade along my skin,

Watching as my skin splits apart and blood bubbles to the surface.

The pain brings me back.

Reminds me that it'll all be okay.

I only have one more year until I can walk away

One year until I can be done

One year until I can walk away and you aren't allowed to say anything.

I love you, but this isn't working anymore and something needs to change.

It's Difficult

Trigger Warning

You know what sucks about being molested? I mean, everything sucks, but I guess what I'm really asking is do you know what hurts the most about being molested?

It isn't the act itself; that leaves mental scars all its own that can never be forgotten. No, what hurts the most is living everyday with the pain, guilt, shame, etc. that comes with being molested and knowing that the person who did it is just fine.

They don't feel any sort of regret or remorse for what they've done. They don't have to walk around everyday being suspicious of every one's intentions. They won't have trust issues for the rest of their lives. They don't shudder when someone touches them or looks at them a certain way. They don't fear intimacy. They don't cringe or feel the intense need to leave any time the subject comes up.

No one knows what they've done and so people trust them blindly, not knowing the monster hiding behind the facade. It isn't fair and yet it happens to people everyday. I can sympathize with the victims of this crime for reasons that should be fairly obvious.

Living with this sucks. It hurts like a fucking bitch, but it gets easier. You have your good days, but you also have your bad days and you learn to cope along the way. I am here to talk if you need/want to or you can check out any of the sites listed below for help and support. Stay strong.

• After Silence
• RAINN or call 1-800-656-HOPE 
• National Center for Victims of Crime