What The Hell is Going On?

I know it's something that happens to everybody at some point or another, but I'm going to talk about it anyway.

It sucks when you get taken advantage of. It sucks even more when your friend takes advantage of your kindness. It especially super sucks when your best friend does it.

I don't know, I guess it's not so much that the person is taking advantage of what I have offered to them through our friendship, it's the fact that they don't return the favor.

For example, my best friend is currently having some relationship problems and I'm having personal problems of my own, but I wanted to focus on her and let her know that no matter what happened, she'd always have someone to fall back on. Obviously, that wasn't the problem, I mean I made that decision. The problem was that when (days later) she asked me how I was and I told her I could really use a friend because I was having a hard time, she completely ignored me and made the conversation entirely about her.

Don't get me wrong, I understand that relationship problems can be incredibly stressful and hurtful, but is that a legitimate excuse to focus entirely on yourself (when talking to someone else)? I just can't say one way or another because, usually, she does try to help. It's normally a very generic piece of advice, but advice nonetheless. Am I even making sense?

Maybe I'm just overreacting, but I can't stop myself from feeling hurt. As best friends we agreed to always be there for one another and I feel like I've been the only one contributing any sort of support.

This brings me to my next point: we have never and I mean never fought with one another in the five years we have been friends. I'm not stupid, I know one is coming and unfortunately I think it's coming pretty quickly here. The thing I'm worried about is that every little thing that has happened between us throughout the years (that could have been petty fights and weren't) will have built up and it'll make for one massive blowout of a fight. That in and of itself wouldn't be so bad, but I'm not sure how that would play out in the whole forgiveness department... Fuck.

Another problem I'm having about this whole situation is that she's so upset and in so much pain because her relationship is breaking apart and all she wants is for things to go back to normal, but I can't say I agree. I mean, of course, I want her to be happy, but I want to be the one making her happy. I've alluded to this a couple of times and every time she has considered it, gone with it, and then very abruptly ended it. Although, this is an entirely different and incredibly long blog post of it's own, so I shall end here. Until next time...

Sorry for ranting. Actually, I'm not, because like it or not, this is me.

You Aren't Allowed

I posted this on my other blog, but I figured it could go here too. So without further ado, here is You Aren't Allowed- an original poem.

You aren't allowed to walk away. 

You can't just leave me and give up. 

It isn't fair, I am doing my damn best to make things work 

And you turned your back on me and told me you were done with me.

You gave up on me over something so stupid and trivial...

 I'm scared of how you'll treat me when you finally know my biggest secrets.

 I don't want to live in fear of accidentally saying something that you won't approve of.

You said that you were just done with both of your kids right now,

But the only part we heard- the only part that matters-

Is that you're done with us.

 I don't doubt you love us, but you don't always show it,

Or at least have a funny way of showing it.

My brother walked away.

Dad didn't intervene.

You walked away.

And here I am.

Surrounded and yet alone, with only one way to escape.

I go to my room, lock the door, and pick up my blade.

I drag the blade along my skin,

Watching as my skin splits apart and blood bubbles to the surface.

The pain brings me back.

Reminds me that it'll all be okay.

I only have one more year until I can walk away

One year until I can be done

One year until I can walk away and you aren't allowed to say anything.

I love you, but this isn't working anymore and something needs to change.

Flush The Damn Toilet!

*Warning: rant ahead.

Oh my God. I cannot even begin to express to you how fucking disgusting it is to walk into the bathroom and find the toilet bowl full of pee. I think it's nasty when it's your own pee left in the bowl and it just gets worse if it's another person's. *Shudders*  Seriously though, why? Why can't you flush the toilet? I understand the whole water conservation thing, but if you're going to do that, do it in your own bathroom! I mean, what if there were guests over and you had just left your fucking piss in the bowl? Great first impressions. Flush it! That's what the handle is there for, it isn't just for decoration.
-Side note: I am the only one in  my house that actually flushes the toilet after peeing. What happened to make everyone else stop?

And while we're at it, guys (and girls who take part), PUT THE MOTHER FUCKING TOILET SEAT DOWN! I am so utterly disgusted and tired of walking into the bathroom and seeing the toilet seat up. Now, I know this is one of the most common things that girls bitch about, and normally it wouldn't be a big deal, but when the men in your house can't aim for shit and there's pee stains all over the underside of the seat it needs to be bitched about.

1. If you get pee on any surface of the bathroom be it the floor, toilet seat, tub, etc. clean it the fuck up!
2. If you pee on the floor, clean it up! I don't want to step in that.

Plus, if I get up in the middle of the night and avoid turning the light on, I'd like to not fall in since

1. that's disgusting
2. generally you leave piss in the bowl and I don't want to have to deal with that
3. it's kind of hard to get out once you've fallen in- especially in a tired state of mind.

All in all, be considerate of the people you are sharing spaces with and clean up after yourself, flush the toilet, and put the damn seat down.

Don't like what I had to say? Well shove it because like it or not, this is me.

I Don't Wanna Be In Love...With You.

Well, fuck. My life should be turned into a soap opera; it's so dramatic.

So the other day I was talking to my best friend and she was telling me about the problems she and her boyfriend were having. I felt bad that her relationship was breaking, but I found myself feeling oddly giddy at the idea that she might be on the market soon.

I immediately shook the thought from my mind. What was I thinking? I loved them both and wanted them to work things out, but there was this little nagging at the back of my mind that kept whispering, "No you don't."

Eventually, I gave up on trying to push the thoughts away figuring working through it was the best option here. I was wrong. Thinking about it only made me realize just how jealous I was of her boyfriend. I know what you're thinking; you're jealous of her boyfriend? And the answer is yes. I am jealous of him because he gets to hold her, kiss her, hug her, cuddle her, touch her... All of the things I can't do because she's my best friend and she has no idea that I feel this way about her.

I want to tell her, but I can't because if she doesn't feel the same way, I will have forever fucked up the only friendship I have ever had that was worth a damn. I can't lose her like that. I can't lose her at all; it would hurt too much. So for the sake of our friendship and my own selfishness, I will keep this to myself.

I will feel the constant ache of my heart knowing that I have fallen madly in love with her and she will never know.

If this offended you in any way, suck it up! Like it or not this is me and I will not change who I am or what I feel so that you can feel "comfortable."

It's Difficult

Trigger Warning

You know what sucks about being molested? I mean, everything sucks, but I guess what I'm really asking is do you know what hurts the most about being molested?

It isn't the act itself; that leaves mental scars all its own that can never be forgotten. No, what hurts the most is living everyday with the pain, guilt, shame, etc. that comes with being molested and knowing that the person who did it is just fine.

They don't feel any sort of regret or remorse for what they've done. They don't have to walk around everyday being suspicious of every one's intentions. They won't have trust issues for the rest of their lives. They don't shudder when someone touches them or looks at them a certain way. They don't fear intimacy. They don't cringe or feel the intense need to leave any time the subject comes up.

No one knows what they've done and so people trust them blindly, not knowing the monster hiding behind the facade. It isn't fair and yet it happens to people everyday. I can sympathize with the victims of this crime for reasons that should be fairly obvious.

Living with this sucks. It hurts like a fucking bitch, but it gets easier. You have your good days, but you also have your bad days and you learn to cope along the way. I am here to talk if you need/want to or you can check out any of the sites listed below for help and support. Stay strong.

• After Silence
• RAINN or call 1-800-656-HOPE 
• National Center for Victims of Crime

Resolutions

Honestly, I think laying out my resolutions is sort of stupid, only because I never stick to them. However, I figure if I tell the world, maybe I'll feel a sense of accountability. I don't know, but here's hoping.

My 2014 Resolutions:

• Get fit
• Read more
• Sleep more (I'm only getting like 3 hours a day, if I'm lucky.)
• Write a rough draft of my book
• Reorganize my room
• Eat healthier
• Earn a steady income
• Be a better person/friend/girlfriend
• Stop cutting
• Journal/ blog more

Tall order, right? That's good, it'll give me goals to work towards therefore making me more productive and helping me to achieve one of my resolutions of being a better person. Look at that! I'm already making progress just by writing this because it's getting me all pumped and motivated to get to work. Now to work on getting more sleep... Goodnight my faithful readers.

First Blog Post of 2014.

That is all.