| That is all. |
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Maybe Not So Single...
So here's the deal.
I don't remember if I told you this or not, but even if I did, here's a little recap.
So we all know about "Alfredo" who's actual name is Alex. It is getting ridiculous writing that name over and over and hiding his name isn't really all that important anymore. Plus, I highly doubt he'll ever find this blog. Anyway, back to my story. So remember that Alex and I had that on again off again flirtationship thing going on? Well it's off again, except this time it's permanent. I am so beyond done putting up with his shit and I will not be a part of his cheating ways. So that happened and I honestly feel really good about it. That is a weight lifted off my shoulders.
Moving forward in my "romantic" life, I met a new guy. Technically, he isn't new, I met him last year in my business class. When we first met, he was kind of shy and didn't say much, but as the year went on he started to warm up to me and we began talking, although I always got the impression that he didn't really like me. As it turns out, he got the same vibe from me, which was all sort of a result of our mutual friend Kevin. However, that is a long and complicated story, and I'll probably explain it in a blog post of its own. He graduated last year and since then we hadn't really talked. And then one day, out of the blue, he messaged me. And that ladies and gentlemen is where our story begins...
It was probably 9:00 PM and I'm scrolling through Facebook when I see a message from him. I thought it was odd considering we hadn't talked much since his graduation and I thought he didn't like me. I figured why the hell not and opened it up. He said hi so I replied with a simple, "Hey what's up?" He responded pretty quickly and he was frantic. He had been having a rough couple of months and he didn't know where else to turn to, but he had always considered me to be a good friend (Even though he thought I wasn't all that interested in being his friend. Yeah, I didn't get it either, but whatever, that isn't important). The point is he felt he could confide in me, but he didn't want to make me upset if I wasn't interested in talking. I explained to him that I would absolutely listen to what he had to say and offer any kind of advice I could, but that I was surprised because I didn't think he liked me very much. This all led to us figuring out that it had been a huge misunderstanding.
So he told me about what had been going on and I managed to actually help him out and calm him down. After we had that all sorted out, he started asking about me and my life and I figured I could open up a little bit, because someone who had bared their soul mere minutes beforehand wouldn't go blabbing. I mean, I had ammo for revenge if he did (not that I would ever use it that way, but he didn't know that). I told him about my life, my struggles with my sexuality, and finding acceptance and he, in turn, shared about his struggles with the same issues. As it turns out, we have a lot more in common than I ever would have expected.
We talked until 6:30 in the morning and it was one of the best conversations I have ever had. I felt so comfortable talking to him, which is something I have never felt when talking to a guy. I have always felt pressured to be someone I'm not, even online, but talking to him was so easy and natural. He didn't bring up any of the topics that most guys (in my experiences- I know there are lots of decent guys out there, I am not trying to stereotype here!) do. There wasn't any awkwardness and it felt so nice. Anyway, I had to end the conversation, because we both had to be up by 8:00 and had neglected going to bed for the sake of the conversation. I can function on a few hours of sleep, but an hour and a half is a bit steep, even for me. We agreed to talk again that night and then said our goodbyes.
I regret ever having ended that conversation. That night rolled around and I waited, and waited, and waited for him to respond to me and he never did. I figured he had just crashed after a long day with practically no sleep, and so I blew it off. After a week however, I couldn't help but wonder if he was avoiding me. Was it something I told him? Was I boring? Did he decide I wasn't worth the time? I felt all of these things, but I chose to be optimistic considering ideas such as: he just needed a break from social media, his internet went out, he was on vacation, he lost his phone/laptop, etc. That was all good and well, but then the two week mark hit, three weeks, four, and nothing. I gave up, I figured he obviously doesn't want to talk to me, so fuck it. This was the end of October.
And then about three weeks ago, I get a message from him that says, "I won't be on the internet (Facebook) for a while. The best way to contact me would be through email." That's it. No apology, no explanation, and most importantly no email address. So then I had to wait another week for him to respond to my message about needing his email address. Finally, he sends it and I write him an email telling him that more than anything else I was worried (he gave me more than one reason to be when we talked). I mean yeah, I was upset that he just disappeared, but I would get over it. He explained that things hadn't been the best at home and he hadn't been allowed to get on the internet and that he might go AWOL again, but that it happens sometimes and if we were going to be involved in anyway (aside from a relationship- obviously we would call each other in that scenario) I would have to expect it and not get mad if/when it happened. I wasn't about to argue 1) because it isn't my place to say that he can't do that, 2) I get it, I've been in that situation, and 3) I like him and I don't want to jeopardize anything by saying something that I have no right to.
We have been talking regularly, although it's email, so we never quite manage to catch each other online. I told him about the drama he missed while he was gone and he was so understanding and not at all judgmental about any of it (I'll post about it for you guys later). And he says cute things like "jimminy Christmas!" Most importantly, he understands me and I understand him. It makes me happy to see that I have a new email from him waiting in my inbox. I get butterflies when I read some of the things he says to me. For example, he once told me that he knew he liked me from the minute he laid eyes on me and his appreciation and affection toward me only grew as time went on and he got to know me better. Come on! If that isn't an "Awe!" moment, then I don't know what is. Or the time that he told me that he didn't want to talk about sex right now because he didn't want me to feel pressured to do anything I didn't want or wasn't ready for, plus a relationship isn't all about jumping into bed. It's about getting to know one another on a deeper, more meaningful level, the sex is just a bonus. (Seriously?!? Is that not the sweetest thing you have ever heard?)
The only problem is we are getting so much shit from our friends about one another. They keep telling us we shouldn't be together for one reason or another. The one that bothers me the most however is the whole, "He isn't that good looking, I don't understand why you like him." I like him because I am not a shallow asshole. Not everything is about looks. I can connect with him on an intellectual level and in my opinion, that is far more valuable than physical appearance. Would it be nice? Sure. The thing is though, he isn't ugly, but he isn't the most handsome man alive either; he's average, just like me, and I wouldn't want him any other way.
The point is, we are connecting and things are looking good. I can't imagine a date is too far off! I'll update you guys later on how things are going, but right now I am off to check my inbox for new messages.
If you thought this was way too cheesy, too bad, because like it or not, this is me.
I don't remember if I told you this or not, but even if I did, here's a little recap.
So we all know about "Alfredo" who's actual name is Alex. It is getting ridiculous writing that name over and over and hiding his name isn't really all that important anymore. Plus, I highly doubt he'll ever find this blog. Anyway, back to my story. So remember that Alex and I had that on again off again flirtationship thing going on? Well it's off again, except this time it's permanent. I am so beyond done putting up with his shit and I will not be a part of his cheating ways. So that happened and I honestly feel really good about it. That is a weight lifted off my shoulders.
Moving forward in my "romantic" life, I met a new guy. Technically, he isn't new, I met him last year in my business class. When we first met, he was kind of shy and didn't say much, but as the year went on he started to warm up to me and we began talking, although I always got the impression that he didn't really like me. As it turns out, he got the same vibe from me, which was all sort of a result of our mutual friend Kevin. However, that is a long and complicated story, and I'll probably explain it in a blog post of its own. He graduated last year and since then we hadn't really talked. And then one day, out of the blue, he messaged me. And that ladies and gentlemen is where our story begins...
It was probably 9:00 PM and I'm scrolling through Facebook when I see a message from him. I thought it was odd considering we hadn't talked much since his graduation and I thought he didn't like me. I figured why the hell not and opened it up. He said hi so I replied with a simple, "Hey what's up?" He responded pretty quickly and he was frantic. He had been having a rough couple of months and he didn't know where else to turn to, but he had always considered me to be a good friend (Even though he thought I wasn't all that interested in being his friend. Yeah, I didn't get it either, but whatever, that isn't important). The point is he felt he could confide in me, but he didn't want to make me upset if I wasn't interested in talking. I explained to him that I would absolutely listen to what he had to say and offer any kind of advice I could, but that I was surprised because I didn't think he liked me very much. This all led to us figuring out that it had been a huge misunderstanding.
So he told me about what had been going on and I managed to actually help him out and calm him down. After we had that all sorted out, he started asking about me and my life and I figured I could open up a little bit, because someone who had bared their soul mere minutes beforehand wouldn't go blabbing. I mean, I had ammo for revenge if he did (not that I would ever use it that way, but he didn't know that). I told him about my life, my struggles with my sexuality, and finding acceptance and he, in turn, shared about his struggles with the same issues. As it turns out, we have a lot more in common than I ever would have expected.
We talked until 6:30 in the morning and it was one of the best conversations I have ever had. I felt so comfortable talking to him, which is something I have never felt when talking to a guy. I have always felt pressured to be someone I'm not, even online, but talking to him was so easy and natural. He didn't bring up any of the topics that most guys (in my experiences- I know there are lots of decent guys out there, I am not trying to stereotype here!) do. There wasn't any awkwardness and it felt so nice. Anyway, I had to end the conversation, because we both had to be up by 8:00 and had neglected going to bed for the sake of the conversation. I can function on a few hours of sleep, but an hour and a half is a bit steep, even for me. We agreed to talk again that night and then said our goodbyes.
I regret ever having ended that conversation. That night rolled around and I waited, and waited, and waited for him to respond to me and he never did. I figured he had just crashed after a long day with practically no sleep, and so I blew it off. After a week however, I couldn't help but wonder if he was avoiding me. Was it something I told him? Was I boring? Did he decide I wasn't worth the time? I felt all of these things, but I chose to be optimistic considering ideas such as: he just needed a break from social media, his internet went out, he was on vacation, he lost his phone/laptop, etc. That was all good and well, but then the two week mark hit, three weeks, four, and nothing. I gave up, I figured he obviously doesn't want to talk to me, so fuck it. This was the end of October.
And then about three weeks ago, I get a message from him that says, "I won't be on the internet (Facebook) for a while. The best way to contact me would be through email." That's it. No apology, no explanation, and most importantly no email address. So then I had to wait another week for him to respond to my message about needing his email address. Finally, he sends it and I write him an email telling him that more than anything else I was worried (he gave me more than one reason to be when we talked). I mean yeah, I was upset that he just disappeared, but I would get over it. He explained that things hadn't been the best at home and he hadn't been allowed to get on the internet and that he might go AWOL again, but that it happens sometimes and if we were going to be involved in anyway (aside from a relationship- obviously we would call each other in that scenario) I would have to expect it and not get mad if/when it happened. I wasn't about to argue 1) because it isn't my place to say that he can't do that, 2) I get it, I've been in that situation, and 3) I like him and I don't want to jeopardize anything by saying something that I have no right to.
We have been talking regularly, although it's email, so we never quite manage to catch each other online. I told him about the drama he missed while he was gone and he was so understanding and not at all judgmental about any of it (I'll post about it for you guys later). And he says cute things like "jimminy Christmas!" Most importantly, he understands me and I understand him. It makes me happy to see that I have a new email from him waiting in my inbox. I get butterflies when I read some of the things he says to me. For example, he once told me that he knew he liked me from the minute he laid eyes on me and his appreciation and affection toward me only grew as time went on and he got to know me better. Come on! If that isn't an "Awe!" moment, then I don't know what is. Or the time that he told me that he didn't want to talk about sex right now because he didn't want me to feel pressured to do anything I didn't want or wasn't ready for, plus a relationship isn't all about jumping into bed. It's about getting to know one another on a deeper, more meaningful level, the sex is just a bonus. (Seriously?!? Is that not the sweetest thing you have ever heard?)
The only problem is we are getting so much shit from our friends about one another. They keep telling us we shouldn't be together for one reason or another. The one that bothers me the most however is the whole, "He isn't that good looking, I don't understand why you like him." I like him because I am not a shallow asshole. Not everything is about looks. I can connect with him on an intellectual level and in my opinion, that is far more valuable than physical appearance. Would it be nice? Sure. The thing is though, he isn't ugly, but he isn't the most handsome man alive either; he's average, just like me, and I wouldn't want him any other way.
The point is, we are connecting and things are looking good. I can't imagine a date is too far off! I'll update you guys later on how things are going, but right now I am off to check my inbox for new messages.
If you thought this was way too cheesy, too bad, because like it or not, this is me.
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Rejection
It isn't a new thing for me, but it has never hurt quite like this.
I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and stomped on. Everything aches and the tears seem to be waiting for an opportunity to fall. I finally told the girl I like how I feel about her and she didn't feel the same way, which is fine, but she didn't necessarily break it to me easy.
She was mean, insensitive, and cold . I was so hurt by what she had said that I broke down, and when she asked me why I was so upset, I told her what she said had hurt my feelings and it was insensitive. She said they were just words, they didn't mean anything and it was ridiculous that I was upset over it. Except that my entire life has been spent lonely and depressed because of the things people have said about/to me. She knew that and she used it against me.
Anyway, long story short and my ramblings summed up into a sentence.
Rejection hurts and people aren't necessarily who they appear to be, so be careful with your heart.
I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and stomped on. Everything aches and the tears seem to be waiting for an opportunity to fall. I finally told the girl I like how I feel about her and she didn't feel the same way, which is fine, but she didn't necessarily break it to me easy.
She was mean, insensitive, and cold . I was so hurt by what she had said that I broke down, and when she asked me why I was so upset, I told her what she said had hurt my feelings and it was insensitive. She said they were just words, they didn't mean anything and it was ridiculous that I was upset over it. Except that my entire life has been spent lonely and depressed because of the things people have said about/to me. She knew that and she used it against me.
Anyway, long story short and my ramblings summed up into a sentence.
Rejection hurts and people aren't necessarily who they appear to be, so be careful with your heart.
Thursday, December 5, 2013
So. Done.
I've been struggling lately to keep my emotions in check. I can't explain why I'm so out of whack, because I honestly don't know. What I do know, however, is that people fucking with them isn't helping. I constantly fear that I am just going to break down and that is a lot of added stress. I have had this constant stinging in my eyes, and I want to just cry and be done with it, but no. Life isn't that simple.
My friends are ignoring me and when they do decide to talk to me, they use me. It isn't fair, I've been nothing but good to these people and this is what I get in return. I want to ask for help, but I know it'll be seen as a cry for attention. I'll only be "faking it," but if they saw the scars I am so careful to hide, they'd think otherwise. If they knew what I thought, they'd be in tears. I am reminded on a daily basis of all the people who genuinely hate me. What they don't know is, no matter how much they hate me, no one can hate me more than I hate myself.
I have absolutely no control over my life. Almost everything gets decided for me and I'm almost an adult. I lost the one thing that I had through all of this because I was too sick to attend. I literally stay up all night long and sleep for about four hours during the day. I sit and do nothing, everyday, every week, every month, and at this point I've reached every year. I can't stand it anymore! I'm going insane with all this idle time.
Not to mention the fact that without something to occupy me, I have this constant fear that something terrible is about to happen.
So, I guess it's true what they say; It's every man for himself. Fuck this shit, I need a change and soon.
( If you're a regular reader, I'm letting you know now that I'm going to disappear for a while. I'll be back, but I need to get my head straight first.)
My friends are ignoring me and when they do decide to talk to me, they use me. It isn't fair, I've been nothing but good to these people and this is what I get in return. I want to ask for help, but I know it'll be seen as a cry for attention. I'll only be "faking it," but if they saw the scars I am so careful to hide, they'd think otherwise. If they knew what I thought, they'd be in tears. I am reminded on a daily basis of all the people who genuinely hate me. What they don't know is, no matter how much they hate me, no one can hate me more than I hate myself.
I have absolutely no control over my life. Almost everything gets decided for me and I'm almost an adult. I lost the one thing that I had through all of this because I was too sick to attend. I literally stay up all night long and sleep for about four hours during the day. I sit and do nothing, everyday, every week, every month, and at this point I've reached every year. I can't stand it anymore! I'm going insane with all this idle time.
Not to mention the fact that without something to occupy me, I have this constant fear that something terrible is about to happen.
So, I guess it's true what they say; It's every man for himself. Fuck this shit, I need a change and soon.
( If you're a regular reader, I'm letting you know now that I'm going to disappear for a while. I'll be back, but I need to get my head straight first.)
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Stress
Nothing is helping to relieve the stress because, even when I'm distracted, I have a little nagging feeling that there are things to be done. The only thing that helps to relieve it at all is...well let's just say that I am accumulating more and more scars.
I want to just sit and write all day and get everything out of my system, but it takes up too much time. Honestly, I shouldn't even be writing this post right now, but if I don't I may go slightly insane. I keep thinking about being a kid again where the only worries I had were cleaning my room and choosing what color I should draw my flowers.
I know I shouldn't be complaining because so many people have it so much worse than I do, but it doesn't change the fact that I feel so utterly overwhelmed. I know I should be concerned with others and stop being so selfish, but right now I need to take care of myself. I think that is a perfectly reasonable thing to do. And if you have a problem with that then too
To be honest, it's a good thing because if everyone absolutely loved you, you would feel even more pressure to be 'perfect' and perfection is unattainable. Nobody is perfect, no one ever had been and no one ever will be. Imperfection makes us unique and being unique is even better.
- Take a step back (Not literally, but if that's what you want to do, then by all means.)
- Breathe (This is a really great step because breathing is important for living. You know, in case you forgot.)
- Motivate yourself (Make a list of all the things you want to do just for fun, then designate an amount of time needed to do one of those things. For example: Watching a YouTube video 1-5 minutes long requires having done an hour's worth of work. Get it?)
- Take a shower (I do some of my best thinking in the shower. Why? No clue, but it works. Hot or cold, doesn't matter. Whatever suits your fancy. Plus you come out clean and smelling fresh, woo!)
- Turn on some music (Music calms me down and I find myself becoming distracted from the stress while still maintaining the ability to get the work done. Does that even make sense?)
- Take breaks (Remove yourself from whatever work you're doing and unwind a bit before the stress of the work becomes overwhelming again.)
- Enlist help (If you can collaborate on the work, do it! Having another person around generally makes the task at hand easier, more fun, and less stressful. If you're doing homework or studying get a study buddy/group, just make sure you actually do work.)
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Self Harm
Warning: Trigger
Self harm is something that so many people struggle with and I am one of those people.
If you follow my blog you may have read the "Self Esteem" post in which I explained my struggles with self esteem and bullying. Well, I mentioned that I began hurting myself after the incident with Ashtin which pushed me over the edge. I was not ready to talk about it then, and to be quite honest I'm still not, nor do I think I'll ever be. However, something came up and I feel like I need to say something.
When I first started, it was just scratches, nothing that would leave a scar, just an initial stinging. That only sufficed for about two weeks and then I needed a bigger release. So I started to heat up bobby pins over a candle and then hold them to my skin, but it wouldn't get hot enough to really burn me, and it wasn't doing anything to relieve the pain. So I moved on and picked up a blade.
I knew, deep down, that I shouldn't do it and so I stood in the middle of my room, door locked, tears streaming down my face, and the cool metal of the blade pressed against my forearm, waiting for me to push deeper and drag it across my unblemished skin. I couldn't see any other way to find relief and so I pushed the blade down and pulled it about an inch along my arm, watching as a trail of red bloomed behind it. The relief that I got from that one simple action was incredible. I found clarity through the pain and I knew in that moment there would be no going back. Obviously, I couldn't take back the cut, but I couldn't give up the one thing that made me feel better.
I finally had some control over my life again. I was inflicting the pain upon myself and I could stop any time I wanted. Or so I thought. The more I did it, however, the more addicting it became. I found myself needing the blade, even when I didn't really want it. Sort of like when you're sick and you have to take the gross tasting cough syrup. You need it to feel better, but you don't want to take it.
The thing is, while I thought about it, I genuinely did not want to die. I wasn't doing it in hopes that I might slip up one day, I was doing it because it was the only control I felt I had.
When I started accumulating more and more cuts and scars I had to start hiding them better. Long sleeves, hoodies, and cover up. But wearing a sweatshirt in the middle of summer got suspicious and I was getting questioned a lot. Some people even saw them. I was forced to come up with excuses and even though they were believable I'm pretty sure no one really trusted what I was saying.
I cut myself for two years. When I met my group of friends in 7th grade I built up enough of a relationship with them that I eventually was able to trust two of the three of them with my secret. Mainly because they saw them and asked me outright if that's what I was doing. I couldn't hold it in anymore and I was glad to have told somebody.
I was still being bullied and having problems, and while the pain from the cuts still allowed me some clarity, I had lost the control when I became addicted. I wanted to stop. It took me almost a year to stop bringing me to a total of three years worth of cuts and scars. I bought all sorts of scar creams because I wanted to forget as much as possible about that time in my life. My scars eventually faded and now you can barely see them. Although, I think about it all the time, if I could go back I wouldn't have gotten rid of my scars because they are a huge part of who I am today.
Unfortunately, despite all of that having happened, three days ago, I relapsed. I have had so much going on in my life and so much pain, and I truly do hate most things about myself. I couldn't take it anymore, I got my blade out and began again. This time on my legs. I kept cutting and cutting not seeing the faithful trail of blood blooming behind the blade. I assumed my blade wasn't sharp enough and so I put it away, grateful that it hadn't worked. Except that it had worked. About ten minutes later both of my legs were throbbing and stinging and sure enough they had turned pink and the blood had outlined a pattern of chaos.
Once again my goal is not to kill myself. My goal is to gain control, clarity, and relief.
I won't give reasons for why I am cutting again, because it's all still too painful and very personal. I may say why later on, but right now, I'm just not ready. That being said, I completely understand how hard it is to get up and move on with your day, especially when it feels like the world is crashing down around you.
Don't give up. Stay strong and keep fighting, because I have to believe that one day it will get better.
I know I have a long road ahead of me and stopping again is going to be extremely difficult, especially considering the relief I get from doing it. But I will try, and I won't give up. Not now, not ever.
Self harm is something that so many people struggle with and I am one of those people.
If you follow my blog you may have read the "Self Esteem" post in which I explained my struggles with self esteem and bullying. Well, I mentioned that I began hurting myself after the incident with Ashtin which pushed me over the edge. I was not ready to talk about it then, and to be quite honest I'm still not, nor do I think I'll ever be. However, something came up and I feel like I need to say something.
When I first started, it was just scratches, nothing that would leave a scar, just an initial stinging. That only sufficed for about two weeks and then I needed a bigger release. So I started to heat up bobby pins over a candle and then hold them to my skin, but it wouldn't get hot enough to really burn me, and it wasn't doing anything to relieve the pain. So I moved on and picked up a blade.I knew, deep down, that I shouldn't do it and so I stood in the middle of my room, door locked, tears streaming down my face, and the cool metal of the blade pressed against my forearm, waiting for me to push deeper and drag it across my unblemished skin. I couldn't see any other way to find relief and so I pushed the blade down and pulled it about an inch along my arm, watching as a trail of red bloomed behind it. The relief that I got from that one simple action was incredible. I found clarity through the pain and I knew in that moment there would be no going back. Obviously, I couldn't take back the cut, but I couldn't give up the one thing that made me feel better.
I finally had some control over my life again. I was inflicting the pain upon myself and I could stop any time I wanted. Or so I thought. The more I did it, however, the more addicting it became. I found myself needing the blade, even when I didn't really want it. Sort of like when you're sick and you have to take the gross tasting cough syrup. You need it to feel better, but you don't want to take it. The thing is, while I thought about it, I genuinely did not want to die. I wasn't doing it in hopes that I might slip up one day, I was doing it because it was the only control I felt I had.
When I started accumulating more and more cuts and scars I had to start hiding them better. Long sleeves, hoodies, and cover up. But wearing a sweatshirt in the middle of summer got suspicious and I was getting questioned a lot. Some people even saw them. I was forced to come up with excuses and even though they were believable I'm pretty sure no one really trusted what I was saying.
I cut myself for two years. When I met my group of friends in 7th grade I built up enough of a relationship with them that I eventually was able to trust two of the three of them with my secret. Mainly because they saw them and asked me outright if that's what I was doing. I couldn't hold it in anymore and I was glad to have told somebody.
I was still being bullied and having problems, and while the pain from the cuts still allowed me some clarity, I had lost the control when I became addicted. I wanted to stop. It took me almost a year to stop bringing me to a total of three years worth of cuts and scars. I bought all sorts of scar creams because I wanted to forget as much as possible about that time in my life. My scars eventually faded and now you can barely see them. Although, I think about it all the time, if I could go back I wouldn't have gotten rid of my scars because they are a huge part of who I am today.
Unfortunately, despite all of that having happened, three days ago, I relapsed. I have had so much going on in my life and so much pain, and I truly do hate most things about myself. I couldn't take it anymore, I got my blade out and began again. This time on my legs. I kept cutting and cutting not seeing the faithful trail of blood blooming behind the blade. I assumed my blade wasn't sharp enough and so I put it away, grateful that it hadn't worked. Except that it had worked. About ten minutes later both of my legs were throbbing and stinging and sure enough they had turned pink and the blood had outlined a pattern of chaos.
Once again my goal is not to kill myself. My goal is to gain control, clarity, and relief.
I won't give reasons for why I am cutting again, because it's all still too painful and very personal. I may say why later on, but right now, I'm just not ready. That being said, I completely understand how hard it is to get up and move on with your day, especially when it feels like the world is crashing down around you.
Don't give up. Stay strong and keep fighting, because I have to believe that one day it will get better.
I know I have a long road ahead of me and stopping again is going to be extremely difficult, especially considering the relief I get from doing it. But I will try, and I won't give up. Not now, not ever.
Monday, November 4, 2013
Self Esteem: My Struggles and Thoughts
Self Esteem
Let's
just be blunt; self esteem issues suck. I know a lot of people who
struggle with their self esteem and despite how I may come off in these
blogs, I have self esteem issues too. I actually created this blog for
the sole purpose of helping to work through them. I figured that if I
could be confident and courageous online that it might bleed into my
'real life.' And it has to some extent, but it certainly hasn't
completely turned my life upside down and made everything better.
As a kid I, along with every other child, was fairly confident and had constant reassurance from my parents, but as I got older those things began fading.
On my first day of first grade, I was sitting alone on the playground and this kid named Garret called me an elephant. I tried to chase him down and do...something to get my revenge, but I had to stop and sit down because 1) he was much faster than me and 2) I had/have really bad asthma and running only made things worse. So I started being teased and made fun of at a very early age.
Because of this, I never really made any friends and the people who I had considered friends for most of my years in elementary school kind of ignored me or would ditch me at any opportunity.This happened basically everyday and as a kid that kind of "neglect" is damaging to your self esteem.
Now that I'm older I can see that they were never really my friends and that I truly was better off without them, However, even though I am able to acknowledge that fact now doesn't mean that it doesn't still hurt.
So I was not confident about who I was as a person at all (thank you to all of the douche bag bullies for that one!). And then just to add to it, I started feeling uncomfortable with my body in fifth grade and it just got progressively worse. Plus it doesn't help when all of your peers are mean and constantly teasing you (kids are cruel, just FYI).
Sixth grade was one of the worst if not the worst. I was slightly overweight (only about 15 pounds) and I was constantly teased and harassed about that as well as everything else. Despite that, I tried to come out of my shell and tell the boy that I liked that I liked him and be a confident person. Except that my plan backfired... badly. I apparently wasn't very good at hiding it because he already knew. He didn't like me back, but not just in the I-don't-like-you-like-that way, but in the I-really-don't-like-you-AT-ALL way. So he told this despicable bitch named Bailey (who just so happened to like him) that if she could make me cry that he would be her boyfriend. So she, of course, agreed to it. So in math class on the day that they made the deal she tore me apart in front of the entire class and I cried...for the entire class. Obviously, I didn't find out about the plan until after the incident, but as it turns out my "friends" knew about it the entire time and didn't say anything because they wanted to see if I was tough enough to handle it. And then they kept threatening to "kick me out" of the group because of my lack of toughness. They were all such assholes. Anyway, Bailey dated Ashtin (the guy) for about a week and then he told her that he didn't actually like her, he just wanted to see me cry and didn't want to get in trouble if he got caught.
After that day I was mildly depressed and I began to self harm. It started off small and eventually progressed further and further until I was pretty messed up. That, however, is a different long story that I am not completely ready to tell. The teasing got worse and I couldn't trust anyone and so I would just wander around campus during break, praying that it would get better and that class would distract me. Then summer rolled around and things got better for a while due to the fact that I stayed at home where no one except my brother could make me feel bad about myself.
Seventh grade came and I was still SOL in the friend department as well as the teasing. So I continued to do my thing and just roam the campus. One day this group of people saw me walking around and invited me to hang out with them. They were really nice and accepting and actually like me for me. Finally, I made some real friends.They were the whole reason my "relationship" with Alfredo (not his actual name) actually began. If you want to read about that click here. Anyway, I am happy to say that of the four of them I am still good friends with three. (And there's a very valid reason,which was neither of our faults, for why we aren't friends anymore, but once again it's another very long story that I am not yet ready to tell.) The only downside was that they were in eighth grade which meant they would leave for high school when I went into my last year of elementary.
So the year went on and the teasing didn't stop, but I had friends to help me deal with it. Then summer came back around and I was spending all the time I could with them before I had to go back to school and face the music on my own again.
That year two girls, Hannah and Kyra, transferred in and I immediately knew that I didn't like them. They just came off as bitchy and I figured they'd just join in teasing me once they heard everyone else doing it. I was pleasantly surprised when they didn't, but we never hung out or anything either.
I found a rare group of people, similar to the four in seventh grade who had heard what people said about me an just didn't care. They accepted me into their group and things once again got better.
About a quarter of the way through the year Hannah and Kyra who were the best of friends had a falling out and Hannah became a loner. So I invited her to hang out with us and she fit just perfectly into our little island of misfit toys.
Freshman year. Needless to say, it was hell. I still got bullied, but so did other people. I think that was more the fact that we were "intruders" and not that they picked me specifically. Although, what they say is true and high school changes everything about who you are. Our group split apart and only Hannah, Casandra, and me still hung out together. I still got teased, but not nearly as bad.
Sophomore year. Casandra decided she hated us and left the group to hang out with Alfredo and the other half of our original group. That group, excluding Alfredo, essentially turned traitor on us and started spreading rumors about us and being mean and rude. Knocking my self esteem even lower than it already was. And at that point it was starting to impact Hannah and Nic (her boyfriend) too. They were being slightly teased for hanging out with me. So we became outcasts and that actually helped a lot. It seems that teenagers have the attention span of a squirrel and if you aren't around anyone else they tend to forget about you.
So now it's junior year and I don't really have to deal with any of that anymore. My asthma has prevented me from going to school so I am home schooled now. And while I have to deal with my brother constantly insulting me and how I look and whatnot, which hurts like hell, everything is so much more calm. Nic and Hannah both left the school doing independent study programs for reasons unrelated to the bullying.
I guess the point of telling you all of this was not to be cliche and say that it really does get better. I'm sure it does at some point, but what I want to say is that it's hard. And I understand the pain and the struggles that you face each and everyday because of self esteem issues and bullying. Even when you do not have to deal with someone saying something to/about you everyday, you still have to deal with it. I know that I have a lot of emotional scarring and damage and it can't all be repaired, and what can be fixed is going to take time. I understand that you might feel weak or powerless. I have those days myself, but you're not. If you struggle with self esteem and you're reading this right now, know that you are strong. You fight a battle day in and day out and every time you emerge victorious, even when it seems that all has been lost.
Don't give up. You are worth so much more than you know and nothing that anyone can say or do is ever going to change that. Keep fighting, I will, because I know that it has to get better and that there are wonderful great things just waiting for me. Stay strong guys and know that you are not alone in this.
I finally realized that it truly doesn't matter what others think of you, just as long as you see yourself in a positive light. I'm working on it, but like it or not, this is me.
If
you need some support or help dealing with these issues do not be
afraid to talk to a trusted teacher, loved one, friend, counselor, etc. I
am positive someone is willing to listen. Also feel free to check out the links below. Some of them may seem cheesy, but read through
them, you never know what might help.
noun
1.
confidence in one's own worth or abilities; self-respect.
Let's
just be blunt; self esteem issues suck. I know a lot of people who
struggle with their self esteem and despite how I may come off in these
blogs, I have self esteem issues too. I actually created this blog for
the sole purpose of helping to work through them. I figured that if I
could be confident and courageous online that it might bleed into my
'real life.' And it has to some extent, but it certainly hasn't
completely turned my life upside down and made everything better.As a kid I, along with every other child, was fairly confident and had constant reassurance from my parents, but as I got older those things began fading.
On my first day of first grade, I was sitting alone on the playground and this kid named Garret called me an elephant. I tried to chase him down and do...something to get my revenge, but I had to stop and sit down because 1) he was much faster than me and 2) I had/have really bad asthma and running only made things worse. So I started being teased and made fun of at a very early age.
Because of this, I never really made any friends and the people who I had considered friends for most of my years in elementary school kind of ignored me or would ditch me at any opportunity.This happened basically everyday and as a kid that kind of "neglect" is damaging to your self esteem.
Now that I'm older I can see that they were never really my friends and that I truly was better off without them, However, even though I am able to acknowledge that fact now doesn't mean that it doesn't still hurt.
So I was not confident about who I was as a person at all (thank you to all of the douche bag bullies for that one!). And then just to add to it, I started feeling uncomfortable with my body in fifth grade and it just got progressively worse. Plus it doesn't help when all of your peers are mean and constantly teasing you (kids are cruel, just FYI).
Sixth grade was one of the worst if not the worst. I was slightly overweight (only about 15 pounds) and I was constantly teased and harassed about that as well as everything else. Despite that, I tried to come out of my shell and tell the boy that I liked that I liked him and be a confident person. Except that my plan backfired... badly. I apparently wasn't very good at hiding it because he already knew. He didn't like me back, but not just in the I-don't-like-you-like-that way, but in the I-really-don't-like-you-AT-ALL way. So he told this despicable bitch named Bailey (who just so happened to like him) that if she could make me cry that he would be her boyfriend. So she, of course, agreed to it. So in math class on the day that they made the deal she tore me apart in front of the entire class and I cried...for the entire class. Obviously, I didn't find out about the plan until after the incident, but as it turns out my "friends" knew about it the entire time and didn't say anything because they wanted to see if I was tough enough to handle it. And then they kept threatening to "kick me out" of the group because of my lack of toughness. They were all such assholes. Anyway, Bailey dated Ashtin (the guy) for about a week and then he told her that he didn't actually like her, he just wanted to see me cry and didn't want to get in trouble if he got caught.
After that day I was mildly depressed and I began to self harm. It started off small and eventually progressed further and further until I was pretty messed up. That, however, is a different long story that I am not completely ready to tell. The teasing got worse and I couldn't trust anyone and so I would just wander around campus during break, praying that it would get better and that class would distract me. Then summer rolled around and things got better for a while due to the fact that I stayed at home where no one except my brother could make me feel bad about myself.
Seventh grade came and I was still SOL in the friend department as well as the teasing. So I continued to do my thing and just roam the campus. One day this group of people saw me walking around and invited me to hang out with them. They were really nice and accepting and actually like me for me. Finally, I made some real friends.They were the whole reason my "relationship" with Alfredo (not his actual name) actually began. If you want to read about that click here. Anyway, I am happy to say that of the four of them I am still good friends with three. (And there's a very valid reason,which was neither of our faults, for why we aren't friends anymore, but once again it's another very long story that I am not yet ready to tell.) The only downside was that they were in eighth grade which meant they would leave for high school when I went into my last year of elementary.
So the year went on and the teasing didn't stop, but I had friends to help me deal with it. Then summer came back around and I was spending all the time I could with them before I had to go back to school and face the music on my own again.
That year two girls, Hannah and Kyra, transferred in and I immediately knew that I didn't like them. They just came off as bitchy and I figured they'd just join in teasing me once they heard everyone else doing it. I was pleasantly surprised when they didn't, but we never hung out or anything either.
I found a rare group of people, similar to the four in seventh grade who had heard what people said about me an just didn't care. They accepted me into their group and things once again got better.
About a quarter of the way through the year Hannah and Kyra who were the best of friends had a falling out and Hannah became a loner. So I invited her to hang out with us and she fit just perfectly into our little island of misfit toys.
Freshman year. Needless to say, it was hell. I still got bullied, but so did other people. I think that was more the fact that we were "intruders" and not that they picked me specifically. Although, what they say is true and high school changes everything about who you are. Our group split apart and only Hannah, Casandra, and me still hung out together. I still got teased, but not nearly as bad.
Sophomore year. Casandra decided she hated us and left the group to hang out with Alfredo and the other half of our original group. That group, excluding Alfredo, essentially turned traitor on us and started spreading rumors about us and being mean and rude. Knocking my self esteem even lower than it already was. And at that point it was starting to impact Hannah and Nic (her boyfriend) too. They were being slightly teased for hanging out with me. So we became outcasts and that actually helped a lot. It seems that teenagers have the attention span of a squirrel and if you aren't around anyone else they tend to forget about you.
So now it's junior year and I don't really have to deal with any of that anymore. My asthma has prevented me from going to school so I am home schooled now. And while I have to deal with my brother constantly insulting me and how I look and whatnot, which hurts like hell, everything is so much more calm. Nic and Hannah both left the school doing independent study programs for reasons unrelated to the bullying.
I guess the point of telling you all of this was not to be cliche and say that it really does get better. I'm sure it does at some point, but what I want to say is that it's hard. And I understand the pain and the struggles that you face each and everyday because of self esteem issues and bullying. Even when you do not have to deal with someone saying something to/about you everyday, you still have to deal with it. I know that I have a lot of emotional scarring and damage and it can't all be repaired, and what can be fixed is going to take time. I understand that you might feel weak or powerless. I have those days myself, but you're not. If you struggle with self esteem and you're reading this right now, know that you are strong. You fight a battle day in and day out and every time you emerge victorious, even when it seems that all has been lost.
Don't give up. You are worth so much more than you know and nothing that anyone can say or do is ever going to change that. Keep fighting, I will, because I know that it has to get better and that there are wonderful great things just waiting for me. Stay strong guys and know that you are not alone in this.
I finally realized that it truly doesn't matter what others think of you, just as long as you see yourself in a positive light. I'm working on it, but like it or not, this is me.
If
you need some support or help dealing with these issues do not be
afraid to talk to a trusted teacher, loved one, friend, counselor, etc. I
am positive someone is willing to listen. Also feel free to check out the links below. Some of them may seem cheesy, but read through
them, you never know what might help.- Teens Health
- Support Groups- Self Esteem
- Support Group- Personal Stories/ Sharing
- Stop Bullying
- The Trevor Project
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