It seems that in this cold, cruel world you can't truly rely on anyone. Your family is supposed to be there for you, support you throughout the highs and lows. They are supposed to understand and sympathize and love you unconditionally. Right?
Wrong. My eyes have been opened to the harsh reality that unless there is some sort of personal gain not everyone will stick around, family or not. It doesn't matter how good you've treated them or how generous you've been. So what brought about this realization? Well that's quite a long story, so get ready and hold on tight.
So over the last few months there has been some drama involving my cousins and uncle which is another long story. All you need to know is my cousin Roy* moved out and is now living with one of his friends. Anyway, moving forward with the story, he message me on Facebook last night. He asked me if he spoke to my Uncle recently, but seeing as he made not effort to contact me in the moths following his move, I felt no need to dignify his message with a response. He apparently didn't enjoy that and decided that cruelty would be more effective so his opening line was and I quote, "Hey fatass (yes, he couldn't even be bothered to space it out) what's up?" To which I much too kindly replied, "Excuse me? If that's how you're going to talk to me then you can fuck off, you piece of shit."
Now, I realize that he was just being a douche bag but, his words still hurt. First of all, he's family and family isn't supposed to criticize you. Secondly, I have struggled with my weight and therefore my self-esteem for a long time due to the medications I am taking, so to see someone who supposedly cared for me, mention it was hard. And thirdly, and possibly the hardest, was that the insult was read in my voice, not his. It seemed like I was insulting myself, rather than listening to someone else do it.
That aside, he was incredibly rude to me which was wrong. He then proceeded to call my brother and dad pussies because they had done the same thing I had and ignored his messages about my uncle. So why was he suddenly attacking me? I assume it's because he thought I wouldn't respond, because he saw me as weak, but that's not who I am. I stand up not only for myself, but for my family and so I sent him and incredibly long message that, when summed up, basically said fuck you and leave me alone because you're being a dick and I don't like you anymore. He responded with death threats as well as disowning us and telling me that he never really loved any of us.
I find this ironic because when his life was in shambles my family were the ones to pick up the pieces and help him. We offered them financial support even when we couldn't afford to do so, we fed and clothed them when they couldn't afford to, etc. We helped them so much and this is how we are re-payed? What kind of bullshit is that? How dare he even say that to me.
Anyway, I decided I couldn't be the only one seeing the messages and so I showed my dad and we spent about two hours going back and forth with him, exchanging... colorful messages and in the end he said something completely irrelevant that I refused to respond to. During those two hours however he called me a cunt, a bitch, a pussy, stupid, weak/underused (no, I'm not kidding, he actually said that.) minded, fat, etc.
I know I shouldn't let these things bother me as he was just saying them to get a rise out of me, but they did/do. They brought back all sorts of repressed memories that I worked incredibly hard to bury. I know that I'm going to have some sort of breakdown over it in the minutes/hours/days/months to come. I don't know really, but that's not the point of this post.
The point is that Roy* is supposed to be my family. A part of my support group and he turned his back on me and my family without batting an eye. Even went so far as to insult, disown, and admit that he never really loved us. So maybe, this is a sign that I would be better off not trusting anyone, not relying on anyone. That I need to be my own rock, my own support group, my own family...
I know not everyone will do this or act like this. I know that my immediate family would never do anything that despicable and I have my best friend who truly does love me despite my flaws and shortcomings. However, I think this was the wake up call I needed to remind me that I should never put my whole self or heart on the line because you never know who might take advantage and abuse it. The most unlikely people are the ones you should be the most wary of.
I hope that when this whole incident turns around and bites him in the ass he will finally learn the true meaning of the phrase, blood runs thicker than water.
*Name changed. While I chose to put my drama on the internet, I also chose not to use real names. Honestly, can you blame me? Even if you can, like it or not, this is me.
Saturday, February 22, 2014
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
The World Won't Wait
Life is hard.
It knocks you down and it stomps on you until you can barely recognize the person staring back at you in the mirror. It threatens to take everything you have and most of the time it feels as if you'll never overcome it. It's incredibly difficult to recover from those moments. The important thing, the most crucial in fact, is that no matter how hard your life gets, you pick yourself back up and you keep moving because the world certainly isn't going to wait for us.
My nights have been filled with dark thoughts and more tears than I thought I was even capable of producing. I scared myself and for the first time, I sought help. However, I was met with blatant disregard and selfishness. I allowed myself to be plagued by the vicious thoughts and, eventually, I fell victim to it. I let myself believe that self-harm was the only form of control I had. I also found myself letting people back into my life that I was better off without. I was opening the door to destruction because I think I had forgotten somewhere along the line that I am fully capable of healing and moving forward.
I can't explain my actions. Partly because I don't understand them myself, but also because I don't want to. I made mistakes and I stumbled a bit, but everyone does. I can't let myself feel shame for something that doesn't warrant it by "admitting." It happened and now it's time to move forward.
I have to take this experience and use it. I can't simply forget it. What good would that do me? No, I have to use this as a building block. I have to grow from this, become stronger for having gone through it, rather than feel helpless for having a moment of weakness.
The road ahead is long and no doubt has its fair share of bumps, but I'm ready. I look forward to facing the challenge. And I'd just like to say that, no matter what you're going through, you are not alone. Even if you can't see it, there are people who love and care about you, who want to help, so please allow them to opportunity to do so.
Keep fighting.
It knocks you down and it stomps on you until you can barely recognize the person staring back at you in the mirror. It threatens to take everything you have and most of the time it feels as if you'll never overcome it. It's incredibly difficult to recover from those moments. The important thing, the most crucial in fact, is that no matter how hard your life gets, you pick yourself back up and you keep moving because the world certainly isn't going to wait for us.
My nights have been filled with dark thoughts and more tears than I thought I was even capable of producing. I scared myself and for the first time, I sought help. However, I was met with blatant disregard and selfishness. I allowed myself to be plagued by the vicious thoughts and, eventually, I fell victim to it. I let myself believe that self-harm was the only form of control I had. I also found myself letting people back into my life that I was better off without. I was opening the door to destruction because I think I had forgotten somewhere along the line that I am fully capable of healing and moving forward.
I can't explain my actions. Partly because I don't understand them myself, but also because I don't want to. I made mistakes and I stumbled a bit, but everyone does. I can't let myself feel shame for something that doesn't warrant it by "admitting." It happened and now it's time to move forward.
I have to take this experience and use it. I can't simply forget it. What good would that do me? No, I have to use this as a building block. I have to grow from this, become stronger for having gone through it, rather than feel helpless for having a moment of weakness.
The road ahead is long and no doubt has its fair share of bumps, but I'm ready. I look forward to facing the challenge. And I'd just like to say that, no matter what you're going through, you are not alone. Even if you can't see it, there are people who love and care about you, who want to help, so please allow them to opportunity to do so.
Keep fighting.
Monday, February 17, 2014
Update
So as it turns out, I was a bit bitter on Valentine's Day. I refuse to apologize as that completely goes against what this blog is about, but I will attempt to turn it around this week and be a bit more positive.
That is all, just thought I'd mention it.
Friday, February 14, 2014
Valentine's Day
The one night a year where couples take it upon themselves to be incredibly ooey gooey, mushy, and in love in public. Where hearts run rampant and chocolate and teddy bears fly off the shelves. Love is in the air and here I am...Single. Again.
This is where all of the optimists say. "Just love yourself instead."
Well that would be just dandy except I hate myself, so that's a bust.
"Well, then be bold and tell that special someone how you feel about them."
I'd love to. Here's the problem: that special someone is already in a relationship. I can't just go telling them how I feel and then rip apart their happiness. I mean, I can, but I won't.
"So what are you going to do?"
I'm going to make and eat an entire pan of brownies all by myself while watching Netflix and scrolling through Tumblr starting... NOW!
Happy Valentine's Day!
This is where all of the optimists say. "Just love yourself instead."
Well that would be just dandy except I hate myself, so that's a bust.
"Well, then be bold and tell that special someone how you feel about them."
I'd love to. Here's the problem: that special someone is already in a relationship. I can't just go telling them how I feel and then rip apart their happiness. I mean, I can, but I won't.
"So what are you going to do?"
I'm going to make and eat an entire pan of brownies all by myself while watching Netflix and scrolling through Tumblr starting... NOW!
Happy Valentine's Day!
Friday, January 31, 2014
Exaggerate Much?
Sometimes, I just suck.
Normally, I am a pretty easy going person who could give less of a fuck, but every once in a while I have a moment where I just explode.
For example, I just got out of the hospital a few hours ago and my mom (being the good and concerned parent she is) wanted to check my blood pressure (part of the reason I was hospitalized). However, I was in one of those moods and flipped a total bitch when she asked which was completely wrong and uncalled for, especially considering all that she has done and given up for me over the years.
So now she is sitting in her room upset with me and I am sitting in my room being a bitch and stewing over the fact that she asked me in the first place... EVEN THOUGH I KNOW I'M THE ONE IN THE WRONG! I would rather sit here and write a blog post about my ridiculousness than swallow my pride and apologize. I mean, what the fuck is wrong with me?
To the point- sit down, shut up, and respect those around you. Don't make it a big deal by perpetuating the situation and just let the little things be little. Not everything has to be life or death.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to take my own advice, be a big girl, and apologize to my mommy.
P.S. (Does PS work for a blog post?): Mom, if you somehow managed to find this blog, I'm sorry. I love you and I was wrong to have treated you that way. You were just trying to take care of me the best way you knew how. I know an apology on the internet doesn't make up for everything, but I wanted to make a public declaration of my appreciation for you and posting it on the internet was the next best thing to yelling it out my window. So thanks mom, you're pretty damn great.
One last thing- don't you go judging me for thanking/apologizing to my mom on my blog or for calling her mommy. I can do whatever the fuck I damn well please. You wanna know why? Because, like it or not, this is me.
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Poem on My Second Blog
Friday, January 24, 2014
More Changes & A Bit of Perspective
Life is about change and I get that, but sometimes it's just kind of weird.
For example, my grandparents are moving and I'm feeling a lot more emotional about it than I ever anticipated. This isn't the weird part. It's normal to feel upset when you have to walk away from something you have known for the vast majority of your life. The weird part is that I am feeling all of these emotions and the change isn't even directly affecting me. I was discussing this with my mom and she drew attention to the fact that although this move is of their choosing they have to be feeling the same things except tenfold.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that yes, change is a part of life, but depending on your perspective it can be incredibly good, incredibly bad, or somewhere in the middle. And no matter what our perspective may be, we should be sensitive to those around us because we truly have no idea what they may be going through.
For example, my grandparents are moving and I'm feeling a lot more emotional about it than I ever anticipated. This isn't the weird part. It's normal to feel upset when you have to walk away from something you have known for the vast majority of your life. The weird part is that I am feeling all of these emotions and the change isn't even directly affecting me. I was discussing this with my mom and she drew attention to the fact that although this move is of their choosing they have to be feeling the same things except tenfold.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that yes, change is a part of life, but depending on your perspective it can be incredibly good, incredibly bad, or somewhere in the middle. And no matter what our perspective may be, we should be sensitive to those around us because we truly have no idea what they may be going through.
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