The World Won't Wait

Life is hard.

It knocks you down and it stomps on you until you can barely recognize the person staring back at you in the mirror. It threatens to take everything you have and most of the time it feels as if you'll never overcome it. It's incredibly difficult to recover from those moments. The important thing, the most crucial in fact, is that no matter how hard your life gets, you pick yourself back up and you keep moving because the world certainly isn't going to wait for us.

My nights have been filled with dark thoughts and more tears than I thought I was even capable of producing. I scared myself and for the first time, I sought help. However, I was met with blatant disregard and selfishness. I allowed myself to be plagued by the vicious thoughts and, eventually, I fell victim to it. I let myself believe that self-harm was the only form of control I had. I also found myself letting people back into my life that I was better off without. I was opening the door to destruction because I think I had forgotten somewhere along the line that I am fully capable of healing and moving forward.

I can't explain my actions. Partly because I don't understand them myself, but also because I don't want to. I made mistakes and I stumbled a bit, but everyone does. I can't let myself feel shame for something that doesn't warrant it by "admitting." It happened and now it's time to move forward.

I have to take this experience and use it. I can't simply forget it. What good would that do me? No, I have to use this as a building block. I have to grow from this, become stronger for having gone through it, rather than feel helpless for having a moment of weakness.

The road ahead is long and no doubt has its fair share of bumps, but I'm ready. I look forward to facing the challenge. And I'd just like to say that, no matter what you're going through, you are not alone. Even if you can't see it, there are people who love and care about you, who want to help, so please allow them to opportunity to do so.

Keep fighting.

Update

So as it turns out, I was a bit bitter on Valentine's Day. I refuse to apologize as that completely goes against what this blog is about, but I will attempt to turn it around this week and be a bit more positive.

That is all, just thought I'd mention it.

Valentine's Day

The one night a year where couples take it upon themselves to be incredibly ooey gooey, mushy, and in love in public. Where hearts run rampant and chocolate and teddy bears fly off the shelves. Love is in the air and here I am...Single. Again.

This is where all of the optimists say. "Just love yourself instead." 

Well that would be just dandy except I hate myself, so that's a bust.
  
"Well, then be bold and tell that special someone how you feel about them."

I'd love to. Here's the problem: that special someone is already in a relationship. I can't just go telling them how I feel and then rip apart their happiness. I mean, I can, but I won't.

"So what are you going to do?"

I'm going to make and eat an entire pan of brownies all by myself while watching Netflix and scrolling through Tumblr starting... NOW!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Exaggerate Much?

Sometimes, I just suck.

Normally, I am a pretty easy going person who could give less of a fuck, but every once in a while I have a moment where I just explode. 

For example, I just got out of the hospital a few hours ago and my mom (being the good and concerned parent she is) wanted to check my blood pressure (part of the reason I was hospitalized). However, I was in one of those moods and flipped a total bitch when she asked which was completely wrong and uncalled for, especially considering all that she has done and given up for me over the years. 

So now she is sitting in her room upset with me and I am sitting in my room being a bitch and stewing over the fact that she asked me in the first place... EVEN THOUGH I KNOW I'M THE ONE IN THE WRONG! I would rather sit here and write a blog post about my ridiculousness than swallow my pride and apologize. I mean, what the fuck is wrong with me?

To the point- sit down, shut up, and respect those around you. Don't make it a big deal by perpetuating the situation and just let the little things be little. Not everything has to be life or death.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to take my own advice, be a big girl, and apologize to my mommy. 

P.S. (Does PS work for a blog post?):  Mom, if you somehow managed to find this blog, I'm sorry. I love you and I was wrong to have treated you that way. You were just trying to take care of me the best way you knew how. I know an apology on the internet doesn't make up for everything, but I wanted to make a public declaration of my appreciation for you and posting it on the internet was the next best thing to yelling it out my window. So thanks mom, you're pretty damn great.

One last thing- don't you go judging me for thanking/apologizing to my mom on my blog or for calling her mommy. I can do whatever the fuck I damn well please. You wanna know why? Because, like it or not, this is me.

Poem on My Second Blog

So, I wrote a little free verse poem.

If you click here, it'll link you straight to it or if you want to check out all of the stuff on my second blog (The Inhabitants of My Mind) click here.

Enjoy!

More Changes & A Bit of Perspective

Life is about change and I get that, but sometimes it's just kind of weird.

For example, my grandparents are moving and I'm feeling a lot more emotional about it than I ever anticipated. This isn't the weird part. It's normal to feel upset when you have to walk away from something you have known for the vast majority of your life. The weird part is that I am feeling all of these emotions and the change isn't even directly affecting me. I was discussing this with my mom and she drew attention to the fact that although this move is of their choosing they have to be feeling the same things except tenfold.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that yes, change is a part of life, but depending on your perspective it can be incredibly good, incredibly bad, or somewhere in the middle. And no matter what our perspective may be, we should be sensitive to those around us because we truly have no idea what they may be going through.

A Change of Pace

I know that I have been posting a lot of ranting and personal drama recently, and while I could care less (as my blog title suggests), I know it's not always the most interesting thing to read. So, I thought I would change it up a bit and write about a specific topic. Today that topic just so happens to be... wait for it... SEX!

No, I am not necessarily going to be talking about my personal experiences. Here's what I do want to cover in this particular post: why it is or isn't a big deal, waiting, and assumptions. Let's get to it, shall we?

1. Is it a big deal?

Personally, I do think it's a big deal, however, it's kind of sticky territory. I don't think sex is something that should be casual- at least not the first time around. Losing your virginity is something you only get to do once which, in and of itself, is kind of huge, so why wouldn't you want it to be special? Honestly, do you want to look back and think about your first time being a one-night-stand or some asshole who claimed to love you just to get in your pants? No, right? So take your time and find someone that you genuinely love and trust. Seriously, don't rush! You have all the time in the world to have sex. Even if it isn't your first time, take your time. What's the rush? That being said, maybe your first time isn't a big deal to you, or maybe taking things slow isn't your style and that's fine too. Everybody is different and that should be respected.

So, remember how I said "at least not the first time around?" Let me clarify. There is absolutely nothing wrong with casual sex! Hell, casual sex can be fun, but be careful. There are all kinds of dirt bags out there who are just waiting to take advantage of you. By the way, this doesn't just apply to the girls (although that is the most common victim), boys are taken advantage of too! I totally understand wanting to just have fun, no strings attached. However, with any situation, there are always snags. Let me outline a few.

• Friends with Benefits  
• Generally one or more parties develop actual feelings
• Friendships can be ruined
• Jealousy (why? see 1st bullet)
• One Night Stands 
• Often times no protection is used
• No outside ties can lead to broken boundaries

Those are just a few, but some pretty major ones in my opinion. Anyway, I'm rambling, so here's my advice: if at all possible be sober, bring your own protection, don't be afraid to say no, and always make sure you understand what you're getting yourself into!

      2. Should you wait?
All I can say is that it truly depends on you. Here are some signs that you might not be ready yet:

• You are embarrassed to buy condoms/ other forms of protection
• If you can't handle buying condoms, you probably aren't ready. 
• Side note: It is in no way "the guy's job" to buy condoms, nor is it "the girl's job" to be on birth control! Take responsibility for your own health!
• Same sex couples should use protection too!
•   You can't talk maturely about sex with your partner
• If you can't talk about sex with your partner you can't establish boundaries and those are sort of necessary.
• Honestly, if you can't handle talking about it, do you think jumping right in and doing it is a good idea?
• You don't have privacy and/or time
• Sex isn't something that should be rushed. There should be no time constraints.
• Being walked in on isn't an ideal situation. Plus, when you're worrying about your parents/roommates coming home you can't really relax and enjoy it. 
• Privacy and time are essential- especially if it's your first time. 
• You aren't willing to get tested
• Unfortunately, STDs are a reality and if you or your partner have been with other people, there's a chance for exposure.
• Plus, it wouldn't be fair to your partner if you refused to get tested and they ended up with something. That's not healthy for either of you.
• You can't/aren't willing to talk about the "what ifs"
• Pregnancy is a possibility even when taking all the proper precautions. Condoms can break, birth control can fail, the pull-out method isn't necessarily effective, etc. You and your partner need to discuss what would happen if that did happen.
• If you can't talk about how having/possibly transmitting an STD or STI will affect your relationship
• Obviously, same sex couples won't have the pregnancy issue, but STDs and STIs are still very real possibilities, so talk about how having/transmitting one may affect your relationship.

If you can do all of those things it's possible you're ready to have sex. Although, like I said earlier, it depends on the person. Maybe you can do all of these things and you aren't ready for the emotional side of it. Maybe you can't do a single thing I listed and you are totally ready to have sex. It is ultimately your decision.

       3. Assumptions
I only have a little bit to say about this and that is DO NOT MAKE ANY ASSUMPTIONS! Just because you have discussed doing something with your partner, doesn't mean that in the moment they can't change their mind. If you want to try something new or different, don't just assume that it's okay. Check with your partner, even if it's something you've done a thousand times before.

In the words of John Green, "Who even gives a fuck about sex? You know what's important? Who would you die for? Who do you wake up at five-forty-five in the morning for, even though you don't know why they need you? Whose drunken nose would you pick?"

And with that, I think I'll end it. These are my opinions. I am not trying to force my ideals upon you however, this is my blog and like it or not, this is me.