Second....Third....Etc... Chance

Is there a limit to how many times you can go back to someone? I mean, at a certain point, doesn't giving someone a second chance become sort of a moot point?

Unfortunately, I didn't realize this until I was past the point of no return. However, I'm not necessarily upset that I decided to give him another chance. He seems to be a different guy. Plus, he is finally out of his relationship, which by his own account, was bad. Amazing what leaving a bad relationship can do for you, huh?

He has been incredibly supportive and loving and I think this time may be it. Now, don't freak out, I just mean we might finally date instead of the stupid flirtationship we've been in. By the way, I'm speaking about Alex, you know, if that wasn't obvious. Anyway, this time isn't all about sex. It's nice being able to have an actual conversation.

Recently, we've been getting really close. He's finally opening up and allowing someone to see him vulnerable. He has made me feel so safe and I've been able to talk to him about things that no one else would understand.

Point is, things are going well and I'm excited for any possible future we may have together.

Grounded

I never cease to amaze myself.

I managed to get myself grounded, over something incredibly stupid. Something that I wouldn't have even gotten in trouble for had I just fessed up*. Anyway, that's not really the topic at hand, although the title would suggest otherwise.... Let me fix that.
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(Title bar) Excuses Grounded
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Better...ish.

Point is. I'm no longer grounded and we shall now return to your semi-regularly scheduled blogging.
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*Just tell the truth! It almost always ends better than lying about it. A lesson I learned the hard way...four times.

Unrequited Love

Two words that, in my opinion, should not reside in the same sentence. I just hate the idea that love, of any kind, can go unrecognized let alone reciprocated. I mean, if someone is brave enough to show you their true feelings the least you can do is acknowledge it and return it as best you can.

I assume you're curious about what brought this on. Why I suddenly feel the need to express an opinion on the topic. Normally, I would say "because, like it or not, this is me," and that still applies, but I think posting an explanation and venting a little might help me a bit.

In short, expect another post in the near future.

Spoiler alert: Alex is back.

Wish it didn't...

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreaming of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray

Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I prayed I could break away...
-Breakaway, Kelly Clark son

This song used to just be catchy, but as I grew up, I understood what she was saying and more importantly how she felt.

She feels sad, trapped, and ignored. She wants to get away from it all and make her own way. One where she ends up happy.

And in this very moment, it describes my emotions perfectly.

I only wish that it didn't...

Blood Doesn't Always Mean Family

It seems that in this cold, cruel world you can't truly rely on anyone. Your family is supposed to be there for you, support you throughout the highs and lows. They are supposed to understand and sympathize and love you unconditionally. Right?

Wrong. My eyes have been opened to the harsh reality that unless there is some sort of personal gain not everyone will stick around, family or not. It doesn't matter how good you've treated them or how generous you've been. So what brought about this realization? Well that's quite a long story, so get ready and hold on tight.

So over the last few months there has been some drama involving my cousins and uncle which is another long story. All you need to know is my cousin Roy* moved out and is now living with one of his friends. Anyway, moving forward with the story, he message me on Facebook last night. He asked me if he spoke to my Uncle recently, but seeing as he made not effort to contact me in the moths following his move, I felt no need to dignify his message with a response. He apparently didn't enjoy that and decided that cruelty would be more effective so his opening line was and I quote, "Hey fatass (yes, he couldn't even be bothered to space it out) what's up?" To which I much too kindly replied, "Excuse me? If that's how you're going to talk to me then you can fuck off, you piece of shit."

Now, I realize that he was just being a douche bag but, his words still hurt. First of all, he's family and family isn't supposed to criticize you. Secondly, I have struggled with my weight and therefore my self-esteem for a long time due to the medications I am taking, so to see someone who supposedly cared for me, mention it was hard. And thirdly, and possibly the hardest, was that the insult was read in my voice, not his. It seemed like I was insulting myself, rather than listening to someone else do it.

That aside, he was incredibly rude to me which was wrong. He then proceeded to call my brother and dad pussies because they had done the same thing I had and ignored his messages about my uncle. So why was he suddenly attacking me? I assume it's because he thought I wouldn't respond, because he saw me as weak, but that's not who I am. I stand up not only for myself, but for my family and so I sent him and incredibly long message that, when summed up, basically said fuck you and leave me alone because you're being a dick and I don't like you anymore. He responded with death threats as well as disowning us and telling me that he never really loved any of us.

I find this ironic because when his life was in shambles my family were the ones to pick up the pieces and help him. We offered them financial support even when we couldn't afford to do so, we fed and clothed them when they couldn't afford to, etc. We helped them so much and this is how we are re-payed? What kind of bullshit is that? How dare he even say that to me.

Anyway, I decided I couldn't be the only one seeing the messages and so I showed my dad and we spent about two hours going back and forth with him, exchanging... colorful messages and in the end he said something completely irrelevant that I refused to respond to. During those two hours however he called me a cunt, a bitch, a pussy, stupid, weak/underused (no, I'm  not kidding, he actually said that.) minded, fat, etc.

I know I shouldn't let these things bother me as he was just saying them to get a rise out of me, but they did/do. They brought back all sorts of repressed memories that I worked incredibly hard to bury. I know that I'm going to have some sort of breakdown over it in the minutes/hours/days/months to come. I don't know really, but that's not the point of this post.

The point is that Roy* is supposed to be my family. A part of my support group and he turned his back on me and my family without batting an eye. Even went so far as to insult, disown, and admit that he never really loved us. So maybe, this is a sign that I would be better off not trusting anyone, not relying on anyone. That I need to be my own rock, my own support group, my own family...

I know not everyone will do this or act like this. I know that my immediate family would never do anything that despicable and I have my best friend who truly does love me despite my flaws and shortcomings. However, I think this was the wake up call I needed to remind me that I should never put my whole self or heart on the line because you never know who might take advantage and abuse it. The most unlikely people are the ones you should be the most wary of.

I hope that when this whole incident turns around and bites him in the ass he will finally learn the true meaning of the phrase, blood runs thicker than water.

*Name changed. While I chose to put my drama on the internet, I also chose not to use real names. Honestly, can you blame me? Even if you can, like it or not, this is me.

The World Won't Wait

Life is hard.

It knocks you down and it stomps on you until you can barely recognize the person staring back at you in the mirror. It threatens to take everything you have and most of the time it feels as if you'll never overcome it. It's incredibly difficult to recover from those moments. The important thing, the most crucial in fact, is that no matter how hard your life gets, you pick yourself back up and you keep moving because the world certainly isn't going to wait for us.

My nights have been filled with dark thoughts and more tears than I thought I was even capable of producing. I scared myself and for the first time, I sought help. However, I was met with blatant disregard and selfishness. I allowed myself to be plagued by the vicious thoughts and, eventually, I fell victim to it. I let myself believe that self-harm was the only form of control I had. I also found myself letting people back into my life that I was better off without. I was opening the door to destruction because I think I had forgotten somewhere along the line that I am fully capable of healing and moving forward.

I can't explain my actions. Partly because I don't understand them myself, but also because I don't want to. I made mistakes and I stumbled a bit, but everyone does. I can't let myself feel shame for something that doesn't warrant it by "admitting." It happened and now it's time to move forward.

I have to take this experience and use it. I can't simply forget it. What good would that do me? No, I have to use this as a building block. I have to grow from this, become stronger for having gone through it, rather than feel helpless for having a moment of weakness.

The road ahead is long and no doubt has its fair share of bumps, but I'm ready. I look forward to facing the challenge. And I'd just like to say that, no matter what you're going through, you are not alone. Even if you can't see it, there are people who love and care about you, who want to help, so please allow them to opportunity to do so.

Keep fighting.

Update

So as it turns out, I was a bit bitter on Valentine's Day. I refuse to apologize as that completely goes against what this blog is about, but I will attempt to turn it around this week and be a bit more positive.

That is all, just thought I'd mention it.