Maybe Not So Single...

So here's the deal.

I don't remember if I told you this or not, but even if I did, here's a little recap.

So we all know about "Alfredo" who's actual name is Alex. It is getting ridiculous writing that name over and over and hiding his name isn't really all that important anymore. Plus, I highly doubt he'll ever find this blog. Anyway, back to my story. So remember that Alex and I had that on again off again flirtationship thing going on? Well it's off again, except this time it's permanent. I am so beyond done putting up with his shit and I will not be a part of his cheating ways. So that happened and I honestly feel really good about it. That is a weight lifted off my shoulders.

Moving forward in my "romantic" life, I met a new guy. Technically, he isn't new, I met him last year in my business class. When we first met, he was kind of shy and didn't say much, but as the year went on he started to warm up to me and we began talking, although I always got the impression that he didn't really like me. As it turns out, he got the same vibe from me, which was all sort of a result of our mutual friend Kevin. However, that is a long and complicated story, and I'll probably explain it in a blog post of its own. He graduated last year and since then we hadn't really talked. And then one day, out of the blue, he messaged me. And that ladies and gentlemen is where our story begins...

It was probably 9:00 PM and I'm scrolling through Facebook when I see a message from him. I thought it was odd considering we hadn't talked much since his graduation and I thought he didn't like me. I figured why the hell not and opened it up. He said hi so I replied with a simple, "Hey what's up?" He responded pretty quickly and he was frantic. He had been having a rough couple of months and he didn't know where else to turn to, but he had always considered me to be a good friend (Even though he thought I wasn't all that interested in being his friend. Yeah, I didn't get it either, but whatever, that isn't important). The point is he felt he could confide in me, but he didn't want to make me upset if I wasn't interested in talking. I explained to him that I would absolutely listen to what he had to say and offer any kind of advice I could, but that I was surprised because I didn't think he liked me very much. This all led to us figuring out that it had been a huge misunderstanding.

So he told me about what had been going on and I managed to actually help him out and calm him down. After we had that all sorted out, he started asking about me and my life and I figured I could open up a little bit, because someone who had bared their soul mere minutes beforehand wouldn't go blabbing. I mean, I had ammo for revenge if he did (not that I would ever use it that way, but he didn't know that). I told him about my life, my struggles with my sexuality, and finding acceptance and he, in turn, shared about his struggles with the same issues. As it turns out, we have a lot more in common than I ever would have expected.

We talked until 6:30 in the morning and it was one of the best conversations I have ever had. I felt so comfortable talking to him, which is something I have never felt when talking to a guy. I have always felt pressured to be someone I'm not, even online, but talking to him was so easy and natural. He didn't bring up any of the topics that most guys (in my experiences- I know there are lots of decent guys out there, I am not trying to stereotype here!) do. There wasn't any awkwardness and it felt so nice. Anyway, I had to end the conversation, because we both had to be up by 8:00 and had neglected going to bed for the sake of the conversation. I can function on a few hours of sleep, but an hour and a half is a bit steep, even for me. We agreed to talk again that night and then said our goodbyes.

I regret ever having ended that conversation. That night rolled around and I waited, and waited, and waited for him to respond to me and he never did. I figured he had just crashed after a long day with practically no sleep, and so I blew it off. After a week however, I couldn't help but wonder if he was avoiding me. Was it something I told him? Was I boring? Did he decide I wasn't worth the time? I felt all of these things, but I chose to be optimistic considering ideas such as: he just needed a break from social media, his internet went out, he was on vacation, he lost his phone/laptop, etc. That was all good and well, but then the two week mark hit, three weeks, four, and nothing. I gave up, I figured he obviously doesn't want to talk to me, so fuck it. This was the end of October.

And then about three weeks ago, I get a message from him that says, "I won't be on the internet (Facebook) for a while. The best way to contact me would be through email." That's it. No apology, no explanation, and most importantly no email address. So then I had to wait another week for him to respond to my message about needing his email address. Finally, he sends it and I write him an email telling him that more than anything else I was worried (he gave me more than one reason to be when we talked). I mean yeah, I was upset that he just disappeared, but I would get over it. He explained that things hadn't been the best at home and he hadn't been allowed to get on the internet and that he might go AWOL again, but that it happens sometimes and if we were going to be involved in anyway (aside from a relationship- obviously we would call each other in that scenario) I would have to expect it and not get mad if/when it happened. I wasn't about to argue 1) because it isn't my place to say that he can't do that, 2) I get it, I've been in that situation, and 3) I like him and I don't want to jeopardize anything by saying something that I have no right to.

We have been talking regularly, although it's email, so we never quite manage to catch each other online. I told him about the drama he missed while he was gone and he was so understanding and not at all judgmental about any of it (I'll post about it for you guys later). And he says cute things like "jimminy Christmas!" Most importantly, he understands me and I understand him. It makes me happy to see that I have a new email from him waiting in my inbox. I get butterflies when I read some of the things he says to me. For example, he once told me that he knew he liked me from the minute he laid eyes on me and his appreciation and affection toward me only grew as time went on and he got to know me better. Come on! If that isn't an "Awe!" moment, then I don't know what is. Or the time that he told me that he didn't want to talk about sex right now because he didn't want me to feel pressured to do anything I didn't want or wasn't ready for, plus a relationship isn't all about jumping into bed. It's about getting to know one another on a deeper, more meaningful level, the sex is just a bonus. (Seriously?!? Is that not the sweetest thing you have ever heard?)

The only problem is we are getting so much shit from our friends about one another. They keep telling us we shouldn't be together for one reason or another. The one that bothers me the most however is the whole, "He isn't that good looking, I don't understand why you like him." I like him because I am not a shallow asshole. Not everything is about looks. I can connect with him on an intellectual level and in my opinion, that is far more valuable than physical appearance. Would it be nice? Sure. The thing is though, he isn't ugly, but he isn't the most handsome man alive either; he's average, just like me, and I wouldn't want him any other way.

The point is, we are connecting and things are looking good. I can't imagine a date is too far off! I'll update you guys later on how things are going, but right now I am off to check my inbox for new messages.

If you thought this was way too cheesy, too bad, because like it or not, this is me.

Rejection

It isn't a new thing for me, but it has never hurt quite like this.

I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and stomped on. Everything aches and the tears seem to be waiting for an opportunity to fall. I finally told the girl I like how I feel about her and she didn't feel the same way, which is fine, but she didn't necessarily break it to me easy.

She was mean, insensitive, and cold . I was so hurt by what she had said that I broke down, and when she asked me why I was so upset, I told her what she said had hurt my feelings and it was insensitive. She said they were just words, they didn't mean anything and it was ridiculous that I was upset over it. Except that my entire life has been spent lonely and depressed because of the things people have said about/to me. She knew that and she used it against me.

Anyway, long story short and my ramblings summed up into a sentence.

Rejection hurts and people aren't necessarily who they appear to be, so be careful with your heart.

So. Done.

I've been struggling lately to keep my emotions in check. I can't explain why I'm so out of whack, because I honestly don't know. What I do know, however, is that people fucking with them isn't helping. I constantly fear that I am just going to break down and that is a lot of added stress. I have had this constant stinging in my eyes, and I want to just cry and be done with it, but no. Life isn't that simple.

My friends are ignoring me and when they do decide to talk to me, they use me. It isn't fair, I've been nothing but good to these people and this is what I get in return. I want to ask for help, but I know it'll be seen as a cry for attention. I'll only be "faking it," but if they saw the scars I am so careful to hide, they'd think otherwise. If they knew what I thought, they'd be in tears. I am reminded on a daily basis of all the people who genuinely hate me. What they don't know is, no matter how much they hate me, no one can hate me more than I hate myself.

I have absolutely no control over my life. Almost everything gets decided for me and I'm almost an adult. I lost the one thing that I had through all of this because I was too sick to attend. I literally stay up all night long and sleep for about four hours during the day. I sit and do nothing, everyday, every week, every month, and at this point I've reached every year. I can't stand it anymore! I'm going insane with all this idle time.

Not to mention the fact that without something to occupy me, I have this constant fear that something terrible is about to happen.

So, I guess it's true what they say; It's every man for himself. Fuck this shit, I need a change and soon.

( If you're a regular reader, I'm letting you know now that I'm going to disappear for a while. I'll be back, but I need to get my head straight first.)