Stress

I think my head may explode if things don't get back to normal soon. I am buried in work and I'm getting sick. Oh and to top all of that off, I am not allowed to take my allergy medication due to an upcoming appointment for allergy testing and I am about ready to scratch my face off!

Nothing is helping to relieve the stress because, even when I'm distracted, I have a little nagging feeling that there are things to be done. The only thing that helps to relieve it at all is...well let's just say that I am accumulating more and more scars.

I want to just sit and write all day and get everything out of my system, but it takes up too much time. Honestly, I shouldn't even be writing this post right now, but if I don't I may go slightly insane. I keep thinking about being a kid again where the only worries I had were cleaning my room and choosing what color I should draw my flowers.

I know I shouldn't be complaining because so many people have it so much worse than I do, but it doesn't change the fact that I feel so utterly overwhelmed. I know I should be concerned with others and stop being so selfish, but right now I need to take care of myself. I think that is a perfectly reasonable thing to do. And if you have a problem with that then too fucking bad. No matter how much I may want to, the fact of life is that you can't please everybody.

To be honest, it's a good thing because if everyone absolutely loved you, you would feel even more pressure to be 'perfect' and perfection is unattainable. Nobody is perfect, no one ever had been and no one ever will be. Imperfection makes us unique and being unique is even better.

I ramble far too often. Oh well, this is my blog and I can do whatever the hell I damn please! ;) Back to stress. I know it's basically impossible to just chill out and relax when your life feels incredibly hectic and busy, but here's what I do to deal with it (in no particular order after bullets 1 & 2)

• Take a step back (Not literally, but if that's what you want to do, then by all means.)
• Breathe (This is a really great step because breathing is important for living. You know, in case you forgot.)
•  Motivate yourself (Make a list of all the things you want to do just for fun, then designate an amount of time needed to do one of those things. For example: Watching a YouTube video 1-5 minutes long requires having done an hour's worth of work. Get it?)
• Take a shower (I do some of my best thinking in the shower. Why? No clue, but it works. Hot or cold, doesn't matter. Whatever suits your fancy. Plus you come out clean and smelling fresh, woo!)
• Turn on some music (Music calms me down and I find myself becoming distracted from the stress while still maintaining the ability to get the work done. Does that even make sense?) 
• Take breaks (Remove yourself from whatever work you're doing and unwind a bit before the stress of the work becomes overwhelming again.)
• Enlist help (If you can collaborate on the work, do it! Having another person around generally makes the task at hand easier, more fun, and less stressful. If you're doing homework or studying get a study buddy/group, just make sure you actually do work.)

If these steps don't help, there are always other options such as talking to someone, exercising, squeezing one of those stress ball things, etc. Keep working and keep calm, it has to get better eventually, right?

Self Harm

Warning: Trigger

Self harm is something that so many people struggle with and I am one of those people.

If you follow my blog you may have read the "Self Esteem" post in which I explained my struggles with self esteem and bullying. Well, I mentioned that I began hurting myself after the incident with Ashtin which pushed me over the edge. I was not ready to talk about it then, and to be quite honest I'm still not, nor do I think I'll ever be. However, something came up and I feel like I need to say something.

When I first started, it was just scratches, nothing that would leave a scar, just an initial stinging. That only sufficed for about two weeks and then I needed a bigger release. So I started to heat up bobby pins over a candle and then hold them to my skin, but it wouldn't get hot enough to really burn me, and it wasn't doing anything to relieve the pain. So I moved on and picked up a blade.

I knew, deep down, that I shouldn't do it and so I stood in the middle of my room, door locked, tears streaming down my face, and the cool metal of the blade pressed against my forearm, waiting for me to push deeper and drag it across my unblemished skin. I couldn't see any other way to find relief and so I pushed the blade down and pulled it about an inch along my arm, watching as a trail of red bloomed behind it. The relief that I got from that one simple action was incredible. I found clarity through the pain and I knew in that moment there would be no going back. Obviously, I couldn't take back the cut, but I couldn't give up the one thing that made me feel better.

I finally had some control over my life again. I was inflicting the pain upon myself and I could stop any time I wanted. Or so I thought. The more I did it, however, the more addicting it became. I found myself needing the blade, even when I didn't really want it. Sort of like when you're sick and you have to take the gross tasting cough syrup. You need it to feel better, but you don't want to take it.

The thing is, while I thought about it, I genuinely did not want to die. I wasn't doing it in hopes that I might slip up one day, I was doing it because it was the only control I felt I had.

When I started accumulating more and more cuts and scars I had to start hiding them better. Long sleeves, hoodies, and cover up. But wearing a sweatshirt in the middle of summer got suspicious and I was getting questioned a lot. Some people even saw them. I was forced to come up with excuses and even though they were believable I'm pretty sure no one really trusted what I was saying.

I cut myself for two years. When I met my group of friends in 7th grade I built up enough of a relationship with them that I eventually was able to trust two of the three of them with my secret. Mainly because they saw them and asked me outright if that's what I was doing. I couldn't hold it in anymore and I was glad to have told somebody.

I was still being bullied and having problems, and while the pain from the cuts still allowed me some clarity, I had lost the control when I became addicted. I wanted to stop. It took me almost a year to stop bringing me to a total of three years worth of cuts and scars. I bought all sorts of scar creams because I wanted to forget as much as possible about that time in my life. My scars eventually faded and now you can barely see them. Although, I think about it all the time, if I could go back I wouldn't have gotten rid of my scars because they are a huge part of who I am today.

Unfortunately, despite all of that having happened, three days ago, I relapsed. I have had so much going on in my life and so much pain, and I truly do hate most things about myself. I couldn't take it anymore, I got my blade out and began again. This time on my legs. I kept cutting and cutting not seeing the faithful trail of blood blooming behind the blade. I assumed my blade wasn't sharp enough and so I put it away, grateful that it hadn't worked. Except that it had worked. About ten minutes later both of my legs were throbbing and stinging and sure enough they had turned pink and the blood had outlined a pattern of chaos.

Once again my goal is not to kill myself. My goal is to gain control, clarity, and relief.

I won't give reasons for why I am cutting again, because it's all still too painful and very personal. I may say why later on, but right now, I'm just not ready. That being said, I completely understand how hard it is to get up and move on with your day, especially when it feels like the world is crashing down around you.

Don't give up. Stay strong and keep fighting, because I have to believe that one day it will get better.

I know I have a long road ahead of me and stopping again is going to be extremely difficult, especially considering the relief I get from doing it. But I will try, and I won't give up. Not now, not ever.

Self Esteem: My Struggles and Thoughts

Self Esteem

noun

1.

confidence in one's own worth or abilities; self-respect.

Let's just be blunt; self esteem issues suck. I know a lot of people who struggle with their self esteem and despite how I may come off in these blogs, I have self esteem issues too. I actually created this blog for the sole purpose of helping to work through them. I figured that if I could be confident and  courageous online that it might bleed into my 'real life.' And it has to some extent, but it certainly hasn't completely turned my life upside down and made everything better.

As a kid I, along with every other child, was fairly confident and had constant reassurance from my parents, but as I got older those things began fading. 

On my first day of first grade, I was sitting alone on the playground and this kid named Garret called me an elephant. I tried to chase him down and do...something to get my revenge, but I had to stop and sit down because 1) he was much faster than me and 2) I had/have really bad asthma and running only made things worse. So I started being teased and made fun of at a very early age.

Because of this, I never really made any friends and the people who I had considered friends for most of my years in elementary school kind of ignored me or would ditch me at any opportunity.This happened basically everyday and as a kid that kind of "neglect" is damaging to your self esteem.

 Now that I'm older I can see that they were never really my friends and that I truly was better off without them, However, even though I am able to acknowledge that fact now doesn't mean that it doesn't still hurt.

So I was not confident about who I was as a person at all (thank you to all of the douche bag bullies for that one!). And then just to add to it, I started feeling uncomfortable with my body in fifth grade and it just got progressively worse. Plus it doesn't help when all of your peers are mean and constantly teasing you (kids are cruel, just FYI). 

Sixth grade was one of the worst if not the worst. I was slightly overweight (only about 15 pounds) and I was constantly teased and harassed about that as well as everything else. Despite that, I tried to come out of my shell and tell the boy that I liked that I liked him and be a confident person. Except that my plan backfired... badly. I apparently wasn't very good at hiding it because he already knew. He didn't like me back, but not just in the I-don't-like-you-like-that way, but in the I-really-don't-like-you-AT-ALL way. So he told this despicable bitch named Bailey (who just so happened to like him) that if she could make me cry that he would be her boyfriend. So she, of course, agreed to it. So in math class on the day that they made the deal she tore me apart in front of the entire class and I cried...for the entire class. Obviously, I didn't find out about the plan until after the incident, but as it turns out my "friends" knew about it the entire time and didn't say anything because they wanted to see if I was tough enough to handle it. And then they kept threatening to "kick me out" of the group because of my lack of toughness. They were all such assholes. Anyway, Bailey dated Ashtin (the guy) for about a week and then he told her that he didn't actually like her, he just wanted to see me cry and didn't want to get in trouble if he got caught. 

After that day I was mildly depressed and I began to self harm. It started off small and eventually progressed further and further until I was pretty messed up. That, however, is a different long story that I am not completely ready to tell. The teasing got worse and I couldn't trust anyone and so I would just wander around campus during break, praying that it would get better and that class would distract me. Then summer rolled around and things got better for a while due to the fact that I stayed at home where no one except my brother could make me feel bad about myself.


Seventh grade came and I was still SOL in the friend department as well as the teasing. So I continued to do my thing and just roam the campus. One day this group of people saw me walking around and invited me to hang out with them. They were really nice and accepting and actually like me for me. Finally, I made some real friends.They were the whole reason my "relationship" with Alfredo (not his actual name) actually began. If you want to read about that click here. Anyway, I am happy to say that of the four of them I am still good friends with three. (And there's a very valid reason,which was neither of our faults, for why we aren't friends anymore, but once again it's another very long story that I am not yet ready to tell.) The only downside was that they were in eighth grade which meant they would leave for high school when I went into my last year of elementary. 

So the year went on and the teasing didn't stop, but I had friends to help me deal with it. Then summer came back around and I was spending all the time I could with them before I had to go back to school and face the music on my own again. 

That year two girls, Hannah and Kyra, transferred in and I immediately knew that I didn't like them. They just came off as bitchy and I figured they'd just join in teasing me once they heard everyone else doing it. I was pleasantly surprised when they didn't, but we never hung out or anything either.
I found a rare group of people, similar to the four in seventh grade who had heard what people said about me an just didn't care. They accepted me into their group and things once again got better. 

About a quarter of the way through the year Hannah and Kyra who were the best of friends had a falling out and Hannah became a loner. So I invited her to hang out with us and she fit just perfectly into our little island of misfit toys. 

Freshman year. Needless to say, it was hell. I still got bullied, but so did other people. I think that was more the fact that we were "intruders" and not that they picked me specifically. Although, what they say is true and high school changes everything about who you are. Our group split apart and only Hannah, Casandra, and me still hung out together. I still got teased, but not nearly as bad. 

Sophomore year. Casandra decided she hated us and left the group to hang out with Alfredo and the other half of our original group. That group, excluding Alfredo, essentially turned traitor on us and started spreading rumors about us and being mean and rude. Knocking my self esteem even lower than it already was. And at that point it was starting to impact Hannah and Nic (her boyfriend) too. They were being slightly teased for hanging out with me. So we became outcasts and that actually helped a lot. It seems that teenagers have the attention span of a squirrel and if you aren't around anyone else they tend to forget about you.

So now it's junior year and I don't really have to deal with any of that anymore. My asthma has prevented me from going to school so I am home schooled now. And while I have to deal with my brother constantly insulting me and how I look and whatnot, which hurts like hell, everything is so much more calm. Nic and Hannah both left the school doing independent study programs for reasons unrelated to the bullying.

I guess the point of telling you all of this was not to be cliche and say that it really does get better. I'm sure it does at some point, but what I want to say is that it's hard. And I understand the pain and the struggles that you face each and everyday because of self esteem issues and bullying. Even when you do not have to deal with someone saying something to/about you everyday, you still have to deal with it. I know that I have a lot of emotional scarring and damage and it can't all be repaired, and what can be fixed is going to take time. I understand that you might feel weak or powerless. I have those days myself, but you're not. If you struggle with self esteem and you're reading this right now, know that you are strong. You fight a battle day in and day out and every time you emerge victorious, even when it seems that all has been lost.

Don't give up. You are worth so much more than you know and nothing that anyone can say or do is ever going to change that. Keep fighting, I will, because I know that it has to get better and that there are wonderful great things just waiting for me. Stay strong guys and know that you are not alone in this.

I finally realized that it truly doesn't matter what others think of you, just as long as you see yourself in a positive light. I'm working on it, but like it or not, this is me.

If you need some support or help dealing with these issues do not be afraid to talk to a trusted teacher, loved one, friend, counselor, etc. I am positive someone is willing to listen. Also feel free to check out the links below. Some of them may seem cheesy, but read through them, you never know what might help.

• Teens Health
• Support Groups- Self Esteem
• Support Group- Personal Stories/ Sharing
• Stop Bullying
• The Trevor Project

Jealousy

Jealousy sucks. It's a fact.

I used to think that I was not jealous of anything nor would I ever be, but I was wrong. SO WRONG! As I grew up I realized that I am jealous of a lot. Although it didn't truly hit me until I was in my first relationship. 

My boyfriend at the time was one of the most popular guys in school and a major player on the school's football team, which in a small town like mine is an even bigger deal than normal. I was so proud to be with him, especially since I was a freshman and he was a junior. I thought that I was the bomb. Anyway, everyone wanted to be around him and I felt like I had to fight for his attention. So when he would pay more attention to his friends I got really jealous and clingy. Not attractive! I look back on it now and I remember trying to pull him away from his friends or making a big thing of PDA (which I'm so not a fan of). I became all of the things I thought were ridiculous when I saw other people doing them because I couldn't admit to myself, much less him, that I was jealous. He once asked me straight up if I was jealous and I got mad at him because I figured he was just assuming things about me. He was right, I was, but how do you knock your pride down enough to admit that, especially at the tender age of 15? I ended up breaking up with him after about a month over Facebook ( I'm a bitch for it, I know) because my friends were jealous of what I had with him and convinced me that he was flirting with other girls which led to me being ( any guesses?) jealous.

So the whole point of that long winded, poorly told story is that even if you don't think you're jealous of anything, you probably are. Don't be a jerk about it, just work on admitting it to yourself. After that work on improving yourself and dealing with your jealousy in a better manner than I did. 

In the long run, if you can't admit to it and work on it, it'll probably end up hurting some aspect of your life. And to risk damage like that over something so simple and easy to work through is ridiculous.

So that was poorly written, but I don't really care because like it or not, this is me.

Trust

I'm going to go on a bit of a rant, so be forewarned.

I don't just give away trust. It has to be earned. And it doesn't take much to break it. That being said, if I trust you enough to share personal information about myself DON'T SPREAD IT AROUND! I told you. Not you, your best friend, your best friend's cousin, your best friend's cousin's boyfriend, or anyone else that comes along. So who  do you think you are to be telling anyone else what I said to you in confidence? You don't know? Well let me enlighten you. You, dear sir, are an asshole!

So now that we've established that I don't take trusting people lightly, let's move on to the next topic: The Value of Trust. I, obviously, know and understand the value of trust and so I will not take it lightly if you decide to trust me with personal information. I won't be going around telling people, because I understand how much it hurts to be betrayed that way. So should that information get out, don't look at me. So dear sir, I will also say this DO NOT ACCUSE ME OR MY FRIENDS OF SPREADING RUMORS ABOUT YOUR SORRY ASS! You aren't worth that much time or effort. And if you think that I or anyone I associate with is capable of doing something that despicable, you've got another thing coming. So go ahead and shove that humble pie down your throat, because I am beyond done with your shit. 

And by the way, how could you even begin to assume that I was spreading anything if you weren't opening your fat mouth and talking to someone about it? May I remind you that your reputation wasn't the only one at stake. I know you couldn't see that because your head was shoved so far up your ass, but its true.

If you don't like what I had to say here, well that sucks because like it or not, this is me.

Book Review #2

Review #2
Divergent- Veronica Roth

Overall, the book was good. It is set in a dystopian world which I usually have mixed feelings over, but it took a Hunger Games approach towards it which I really appreciated. The diction choices seemed very childish at times, which got annoying. I'm sure this was intentional however, I felt that the effect was overused which made the book drag on a little.  All this being said, the idea behind it was intriguing and so I powered through only to find myself in desperate need of the second book in the series by the end of the novel.  I would give this book 3.5/ 5 stars and would recommend it to fans of the Hunger Games series and books of similar genres.

I'm warning you now, you'll need to be patient as well as persistent or you may find yourself chucking the book (or your very expensive e-reader) across the room.

Book in Progress: Insurgent- Veronica Roth (Divergent Series #2)

I am aware that I deviated from the series that I did the first book review on. I'll probably review books out of order or from different series so learn to live with it (for now, at least).