Pot Calling the Kettle Black...

So I've discovered that people are, generally, only interested in something or someone if they have something to gain. For example, that asshole you like probably doesn't care about what you're saying. They didn't magically change overnight just for you. That person is an asshole and always will be(shocker) They're only listening because they think there might be something worth making a rumor out of and spreading like wildfire. Something that can possibly boost their popularity or social standing either immediately or later down the line. (Personal gain as a motive? Never!) At least, that's how it's been in my experience.

As you know by now, I don't usually post about anything in general. I almost always have a specific situation that sparks my tangents and angry ranting. This post is no exception to that. Let's dive in, shall we?

So my friend, J, has been having a really hard time lately. She is coming off of her antidepressants, her mom is less than involved/caring, her former best friend just got married and is increasingly distant, her other friends are, respectively, engaged and pregnant, working, in serious relationships, or ignoring her. Being the kind and caring person that I am, I decided that I would do my best to help her through her time of need and keep her mind off of things by hanging out with her and keeping in constant contact. This often involved me putting off things I had previously planned with best friend, but it was okay because I was making a difference in her life that no one else had ever thought to make. I spent my entire summer listening to her problems, breakdowns, and occasional suicidal rant, which once again I was more than okay with.

In the long run, she couldn't come off of her medication and once she was back on at the original dosage her mood drastically improved and all was right with the world again. That was until I was in a time of need. Normally, I would just talk to my best friend about these things. After all, that's sort of the point of a best friend, you know? And I did, but she was also going through a lot and we couldn't really devote the kind of time and attention necessary to each other to make a difference. So I went to J instead.

Every time I even brought up a problem I was having the conversation was immediately turned around to focus on her and on the rare occasion that she did listen to me, I would either get a message almost immediately from our mutual friends asking about what I'd told her or the conversation would end. It seemed that everything was important until it wasn't about her. She even told me that I was too negative and that I had too many issues for any one person to handle. This from the girl that couldn't go two hours without crying about something (even on her antidepressants).

Oddly enough, and who knows why really, her criticisms led me to question whether or not my issues and insecurities were even valid, which led to more insecurities. A vicious cycle that only cause more problems and questions rather than solutions. Things that I had thought I was over came rushing back to the surface. So much so that once I started seeing a psychologist, things that I didn't even know were bothering me came out.

Anyway the point is, unless you're sure about someone and their intentions, don't let yourself be vulnerable in front of them because who knows what kind of crazy, fucked up shit they might pull.

Linguine...Alfredo...Pasta? Alex.

So I think we abandoned the whole disguise thing and if not, we are now. (Because Alfredo was just oh so clever wasn't it?)

I'm gonna just throw it all out there and catch you up on the latest and greatest with this... interesting boy I had the immense "pleasure" of getting caught up with. So a brief recap from the top:

-Met in 7th grade (This wasn't too bad.)

-Became friends (Yay! A friend! Have I explained my whole "I- was- a friendless- child" thing yet?)

-Immediately developed massive, totally unnecessary crush on him (And here's where the problems began.)

-Embarrassed myself a lot in front of him (I did this in front of everyone, but it was especially embarrassing in front of him)

-Made a huge deal out of hugging him everyday (All I have to say is *CRINGE*)

-Sneaked around with him a lot during summer (Okay, it was only like twice, but my life isn't all that exciting, so let me have this.)

-Kissed him three times, Spider Man style (That was not my idea, but I must admit, it was fun.)

-Stopped hanging out (And here's where my problems could have ended, but noooooo)

-Found out he cheated on his girlfriends with me (I was called a home-wrecker. Multiple times.)

-Assumed he was using me (I was right!!)

-Conveniently "forgot" he was using me (I swear, I saw the pattern and ignored it.)

-Sexted him (YES RAEGRETS! And if you don't get that reference, I'm slightly disappointed in you.)

-Helped him cheat on yet another girlfriend (UNKNOWINGLY! Before you go and start judging me.)

-Stopped talking (Another opportunity to end all of this, but did I? I think you know the answer to that.)

-Started talking to him again once he was single (And this is where it gets good for all you readers out there.)

And now we are back to the most current happenings in the Adventures of Ridiculousness. (I know that that's a stupid name for all this, but honestly, I don't know what to call this other than a mistake.) Scratch that, let's just call it The Mistake. Yes, that's oh so much more accurate.

So as I said, we started talking again. He was all heartbroken over breaking up with his girlfriend, as to be expected, but he actually told me, and I quote "I feel like my heart was put into a blender. It's like, eh." (Eh. He emotes so well! Did you hear the sarcasm dripping from that statement? God, I hope so.) I decided to take on the role of best friend and get him through his break up as unscathed as possible and I was doing a damn good job, even with his ridiculous one word replies and refusal to open up emotionally. (Another clue that I should have given up then and there? Probably, but I refused to see it!)

Eventually, we sorta stopped talking, at least on a daily basis. He was basically over his ex and he was moving on. That was the goal, right? But that wasn't good enough for me. I was responsible for his good mood and I wanted to enjoy it. I wanted to be with him. It was high time I got a chance after all the other girls I had to watch him be with. I told him that I wanted to be with him, that I liked him, and that I wanted to see where things went and he agreed! (Finally, something went my way!) We were talking all the time, and things were going great. He opened up to me about things that he hadn't told anyone else, made me feel special, and I was positive we would start dating. And lucky me, his birthday was coming up so I planned this whole big thing and I was going to push things over the edge. Make it all final. I bought him a card, made him a cake, and invited him to go to the movies with me on the night of his birthday. All very spontaneous, at least on his end it was.

He picked me up and we left for the midnight premiere of How To Train Your Dragon 2, which was cute. (What I saw of it anyway *super exaggerated wink* ) And then things went a bit downhill...

We had been making out and fooling around in the theater and when the movie got out we could hardly wait to get out to the car. He had me pushed up against the car and was touching me in ways I had never been touched before. I was nervous, but excited and vulnerable as hell. We moved our little party to the backseat of his car and things got pretty hot and heavy. (I won't go into details, mainly because it was personal and the Internet is soooo not.) Anyway, he got a little carried away and tried to go further than I was willing to go. I told him to stop and that I wasn't ready. Practically screamed no and nothing. He wasn't stopping. Eventually, he did, before anything actually happened. (If you were wondering, no, he did NOT rape me, but I was freaked.)

After that night I didn't talk to him for like three weeks and all he did was text me. (Oh how the tides had turned.  A little too late, unfortunately.) When I did talk to him again I told him how I felt that night and that it freaked me out and he was totally understanding. I thought the fact that he was sorry was going to be enough to make it all better and that things would go back to normal, but of course, it wasn't. (Thank you Hannah for beating some sense into me about that.) Anyway, the silence went on after that conversation until about two weeks ago when he randomly texted me. He told me he wasn't ready for a relationship right now, but that he wanted me to sneak out and meet him so that we could fool around because he was "frustrated." I told him and I quote "Nope. I don't feel like sneaking out. Plus, things are different now." He asked me why and I said, "Because if you don't want a relationship, there's no point, is there?" To which he decided to yell at me about how he was upset and his friends weren't talking to him and that I had picked the worst time to do this. AS IF I DID IT INTENTIONALLY, LIKE I WAS THE ONE WHO STARTED IT! (Seriously, I wanted to deck him right in the mouth. How dare he try to blame his problems on me!) That turned into a 20 minute fight and ended in us not talking for another week before I decided to be the bigger person and apologize.

We talked it out and he explained to me why he didn't want a relationship (Notice how it changed from "not ready for a new relationship..." Bullshit!)(Pardon my French, but my God, he could've just said no. I'm a big girl, I can handle it.) Turns out there's another girl. (For those of you guessing at home, who saw that coming?) I wish I could say I was totally blindsided, but I'm not an idiot, I knew it was coming. Her name is Bekah, (Is it just me or is that a kind of tacky way to spell it?) and she's the one that got away. The girl he's been hung up on since freshman year. The girl he's truly in love with, the girl he will never have because, not only is she moving out of state, but she rejected him. (Thank you, Karma!) He told me he liked me a lot, and that he still does, but doesn't want to risk our friendship and how I'm always there for him. And because I'm just such a good person I said I felt the same way and essentially agreed to be forever friendzoned. Which honestly, I'm not all that upset about.  (Now anyway. I was kind of broken up about it for a few days. But after seeing how much better I could do, I got over it)(Seriously, there are some hot guys who are into me. Which being totally honest, I'm shocked about. HAHA)

So there you have it. Our story ends in friendship. And this really is the end folks, no more second or third (does anyone have a chance total running yet? I lost count.) chance. We are officially done with anything even remotely romantic or friends with benefits-y. Man, does that feel good to say.

Don't judge me. You're not perfect either. Besides, I realized this was all a bad idea eventually, and that's all that matters, right?

I Can Never Come Up With A Witty Enough Title... *Insert Witty Title Here* My Job Here Is Done.

As you all know by now, I am not one to complain about things. At least, not on the Internet where everyone and their mother could see it.

HA HA, I'm just playin'. I'm pretty sure that's the main thing this blog is comprised of... (Don't even get started on the whole ending a sentence with a preposition thing. It's not something I want to get into. >:D  )

Alright, now that we've had a little laugh, I will get down to business. And what is that you may ask? For those playing along at home, if you guessed complaining, YOU ARE CORRECT!

Spoiler Alert: Sorta- Maximum Ride series

So lately I have been reading the Maximum Ride series by James Patterson (Yes, I know, I'm a little late getting on the bandwagon.) and have held out on going to the blog that was made to accompany the books. But with the twist at the end of book six, tonight was the night I just had to go and check it out! (Read the books! They're worth it.) So I made my way over to find a blog in perfect working order. So why am I complaining? Well that blog had been retired in favor of a more interactive website, which was most helpfully linked in one of the updates. Once again, why am I complaining? I'm getting there. So I click on the link, eager to check it out, and am redirected to the new blog (Yay... or so I thought). I was linked to a blog that was one letter off of the one mentioned in the ever-so-helpful update mentioned above. So for the love of God, why am I complaining? People make mistakes, right? That's exactly what I thought! So I tried to fix the URL and make my way over on my own, but that didn't work either. So I Googled it and was redirected to the wrong site time and again.

Deciding that the entirety of the internet (ooor you know the five links I clicked on in my very "extensive" research) could not possibly be wrong, I decided to check it out to see if it was all part of the "low profile, save the world thing." (Seriously, READ THEM!) Although I highly doubted it since the first post that popped up was about colon health... BUTT, I kept scrolling, because who knows, maybe Fang had developed a desire to cleanse himself from the inside out. (See what I did there? Cause you know, colons and bu- you know what, never mind.) I scrolled down to the next post and it featured the dos and don'ts as well as the proper way to pick out (if there are easily grossed out or weak souls out there, scroll past this next part) pumps for male nether regions. Oh, and let's not forget the helpful, yet ever so scarring picture that accompanied it. (I'm still cringing, thank you very much. Also the reason I didn't link the blog I kept getting redirected to...)

I still could have tried to stick with my theory that Fang was taking the blog to a more personal place, but that just bugged me too much. I mean, if that's what Fang was looking up in his spare time, someone should have a talk with him. Tell him that it's not anything he should be worried about. (Mr. Patterson, if by some miracle you are reading this, I look forward to reading an awkward conversation about this whole blog mix up between Fang and anyone of your choosing. Thanks! By the way, I'm a HUGE fan!)

Anyway, I guess I'm done complaining, but I'm not done talking to you. Yes, you, reading this blog. If you or anyone you know has the actual link to Fang's current, live blog, would you do me a massive favor and comment it down below? Please and thank you!

Oh and yes I do know that i just popped back up after being gone for, like, ever and without an explanation. I'm going to get to all of that, I swear. It's just a lot to explain and write down and I have to pick a good place to start from... (The beginning, I know. Excuses, excuses, I know.)

Second....Third....Etc... Chance

Is there a limit to how many times you can go back to someone? I mean, at a certain point, doesn't giving someone a second chance become sort of a moot point?

Unfortunately, I didn't realize this until I was past the point of no return. However, I'm not necessarily upset that I decided to give him another chance. He seems to be a different guy. Plus, he is finally out of his relationship, which by his own account, was bad. Amazing what leaving a bad relationship can do for you, huh?

He has been incredibly supportive and loving and I think this time may be it. Now, don't freak out, I just mean we might finally date instead of the stupid flirtationship we've been in. By the way, I'm speaking about Alex, you know, if that wasn't obvious. Anyway, this time isn't all about sex. It's nice being able to have an actual conversation.

Recently, we've been getting really close. He's finally opening up and allowing someone to see him vulnerable. He has made me feel so safe and I've been able to talk to him about things that no one else would understand.

Point is, things are going well and I'm excited for any possible future we may have together.

Grounded

I never cease to amaze myself.

I managed to get myself grounded, over something incredibly stupid. Something that I wouldn't have even gotten in trouble for had I just fessed up*. Anyway, that's not really the topic at hand, although the title would suggest otherwise.... Let me fix that.
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(Title bar) Excuses Grounded
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Better...ish.

Point is. I'm no longer grounded and we shall now return to your semi-regularly scheduled blogging.
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*Just tell the truth! It almost always ends better than lying about it. A lesson I learned the hard way...four times.

Unrequited Love

Two words that, in my opinion, should not reside in the same sentence. I just hate the idea that love, of any kind, can go unrecognized let alone reciprocated. I mean, if someone is brave enough to show you their true feelings the least you can do is acknowledge it and return it as best you can.

I assume you're curious about what brought this on. Why I suddenly feel the need to express an opinion on the topic. Normally, I would say "because, like it or not, this is me," and that still applies, but I think posting an explanation and venting a little might help me a bit.

In short, expect another post in the near future.

Spoiler alert: Alex is back.

Wish it didn't...

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreaming of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray

Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I prayed I could break away...
-Breakaway, Kelly Clark son

This song used to just be catchy, but as I grew up, I understood what she was saying and more importantly how she felt.

She feels sad, trapped, and ignored. She wants to get away from it all and make her own way. One where she ends up happy.

And in this very moment, it describes my emotions perfectly.

I only wish that it didn't...