Change

Change. It is one of those things that usually sucks and then ends up being good. At least in my experience. I'm hoping that's how its going work this time around too.The thing is, this is a change I have wanted forever, the timing is just shit. 

I finally found friends that accept me for who I am and don't judge me for what I'm not. They share similar interests and have been there for me through some of the toughest times in my life thus far. I don't want to leave that behind, we have planned so much put lives out in anticipation of always being together.

I finally set myself up to be in classes that can help me to achieve my goals. I found teachers that I actually like and get along with, who can help me not only to learn things such as history, English, science, etc. but who have ultimately made me a better person and been mentors to me throughout the years. 

I have become stronger because of all the adversity and ridicule I have been forced to endure. I was finally able to stop resenting my predicament and begin to respect it. Appreciate it even. I was beginning to enjoy it, and now I may be forced to leave it all behind. The people, the experiences, the failures, and successes. An entire life, left behind. 

I always imagined going off to college, meeting someone I loved and starting a family, having a career I loved, living for the moment. However, now that reality has begun to stare me straight in the face, all of that seems incredibly scary. I'm not sure how all of this is going to work out, hopefully for the best. All I can do is try my best to maintain the ties, friendships, and promises I have and stay true to myself because like it or not, this is me.

I Screwed Up

I have a friend who has lately been extremely sad about some guy who is making her feel betrayed and worthless. I, along with a multitude of other people, have told her that he is just playing her and that she should move on. Needless to say, this never works and she continues to sulk about it until he decides he wants to mess with her mind again and the cycle starts over.

How does this connect to me screwing up? Well, her constant ranting got me thinking about who all I've been played by and I found that I haven't really been played, but that I've been the player. It sounds weird to say because players are generally viewed as guys who sleep around and use girls for their personal gain, however I seem to be simply playing the guys emotions (despite my coming out, I still have not dated a girl). This emotional abuse is in NO way intentional! I have trust and commitment issues due to some incidents that have occurred to me in the past and I cannot seem to push them aside. It seems as if every time I begin to really connect with someone, I get scared that I will be forced to relive my past with this new person. 

For example, this is actually happening again with a guy I have liked for and had a "flirtationship" with for the last five years. Let's call him... Carter. Carter is so incredibly sweet and has helped me through so many things that I am not sure what I would do without him in my life. The problem is I can't bring myself to open up and be completely vulnerable with him because I am afraid that he will simply abuse it. And that is something I can never take back. We keep getting so close to being in a relationship, and I keep pulling away and friend-zoning him, for lack of a better word. I think part of it is that we want different things out of our relationships at this point in our lives, and we aren't exactly sure how to make a viable compromise. However, I'm not sure compromise is an option anymore.

A few days ago he asked me to text him and I eagerly agreed, wanting nothing more than to talk to Carter for who knows how many uninterrupted hours. When I got around to actually having time to text him I wasn't feeling good and my phone was dead, making me lose all interest in doing anything more than jumping straight into my bed. I sent him a quick text the next morning explaining what had happened and when I logged into my Facebook earlier today I was immediately greeted with a message I could only interpret as being aimed towards me. The picture was a rain cloud with a rainbow that said, "You know what? I don't really care." And his caption read, "This is basically how I feel right now." So I sent him a rather "obsessive" message saying, "So I'm guessing you hate me now, right?" It wasn't the best idea I've ever had, but I thought it might break the tension that was so obviously there and give him an opportunity to vent his true feelings. I was wrong. He still hasn't responded to my message and he has had numerous opportunities to do so. I can't help wondering if this is an act of revenge, pain, or simply that he has lost interest. 

So, I basically fucked up everything good I thought I had with Carter, I still don't feel good, and I can't find a solution to either of these problems. Ugh! I realize that this may sound pretty needy and pathetic (especially for the third post in this new blog), but I just don't care because, like it or not, this is me. 

P.S.
If anyone is reading this and cares to share their own story, ask for advice about their problems, or wants to offer up some solutions to my problems, feel free to comment them below or PM me (can you even do private messages on Blogger??)

An Issue Close to My Heart

I recently had to write a persuasive essay for school and I chose the subject gay marriage. I chose it because I have a lot of family that is gay and  feel that all people should have equal opportunities. In fact, it has quite a few benefit to society such as: improving health, improving the economy (small contributions), bringing children out of orphanages and into stable, loving homes, etc. However this isn't a blog about why gay marriage should be legal. This blog is about me deciding that if people can go out in the world and fight for a right that they want/deserve without worrying about being judged and criticized then I should be able to speak out about a decision I've made about myself. That decision is that I am bisexual. No this isn't a phase, I am not some freak of nature, my goal is not to ruin anyone else's relationship, and I am not confused. I simply find people of both the same and opposite sex attractive. Does this mean I view myself as butch? No. Does this mean I plan to have a relationship with and/or marry a woman? No. All it means is that I am comfortable enough with myself to express any emotions I may feel towards members of either sex. Simple as that. I will not apologize for the decision I have made, nor will I defend or explain it to anyone. I don't need anyone's approval. Now you may be wondering, if I don't plan to defend or explain this choice, why write an entire blog about it? Well that's simple, I wanted to show other people who may be struggling with this issue that there is nothing wrong with their choice and that there are other people who understand what they are going through. Also because, like it or not, this is me.

( If you are a victim of gay bashing you can go to the following website and speak to other LGBT youth as well as utilize their Lifeline services: www.thetrevorproject.org ) 

A Bit of Background

My name for all intents and purposes, as you can see, is BriannaJ. I have two other blogs which I refuse to delete on the grounds that they have helped to get me to where I am today. Each of those blogs, in my opinion, sort of sucked and today was the day that I realized why.I kept trying so hard to please others with my writing instead of just writing what I wanted and having others like it because it was true and honest. So this blog is me doing exactly that. If you don't like honesty, sarcasm, controversial subjects, etc, etc, I suggest you do not read any future blogs, for they will contain all of those things. Why? Because like it or not this is me.